We live in an apartment with a bedroom and living room that face the street. For whatever reason, people who are having an argument on our block choose to stand directly below our windows, making their every word audible and disruptive to our lives.
An informal survey has shown that the majority of these are not crackhead losers or drunken homeless folks, but your average, youngish couple in some sort of relationship debacle.
Lately, we have taken to yelling out our window, "Please take it somewhere else," but this feels coarse, boorish, and inappropriate. In addition, we fear reprisals from people who clearly do not have boundaries enough to know that this sort of public display is wholly inappropriate.
My partner and I cannot fathom airing our dirty laundry in public and wonder who are these people that lack the self-control and the decorum to inflict their squabbles on the general public. Is this the result of too much reality television? And what is the polite response to disperse such folk?
Take the Real World Away
Dear Unreal Madam or Sir,
You are not, in fact, behaving in a coarse or boorish way when you ask people to kindly step away from your bedroom window if they must shout at each other. Maybe "Take it somewhere else" isn't as cordial as it could be (though the "please" does make it a bit more pleasant). If you're concerned, though, you could try to be as sweet as possible: "I'm sure you didn't realize that your argument has gotten very loud. Would you mind moving away from our bedroom window?" However, I'd understand if that were beyond the syntactic reach of someone who'd been awakened from deep sleep by a lovers' quarrel.
The alternative to speaking up would be just putting up with it or finding a new apartment -- however, etiquette doesn't want us to suffer too much. And why let the boors win every time? Of course, you wouldn't want to bother the police about every noise disturbance, though contacting them should be an option if "reprisals" become a real danger.
Finally, yes, I think reality television has harmed the behavior of some folks -- for example, by advancing the notions that any attention is good attention and that the general public is interested in observing our bad behavior and emotional crises. Sadly, I fear that worse is yet to come.
Dear Social Grace,
I'm a fan of using proper etiquette. I used to use the right forks, and never sat with my elbows on the table, and God forbid I burp in public, but in the past two years -- from 18 to 20 -- my manners decreased. I know it is because of my friends. I have two questions. One: Should I try and reinstate my old ways of behaving ... even if my friends think it is pretentious? And two: I am loud ... no matter what ... is it required at [a fast-food restaurant] to keep a low tone of voice? Let me know.
Niko
Dear Niko,
One: "Pretentious" and "polite" are two very different things. If your friends think you're being pretentious, maybe you're not doing it right. For example, using the correct fork is polite, but telling a friend that he is using the wrong fork is pretentious. You should work to keep your good manners up. In many situations sure to arise in your future, they will likely serve you better than friends who encourage you to burp in public.
Two: Yes, it is.
Dear Social Grace,
I was recently on a date that started off quite nicely. We were having a nice time and the conversation was good. I began to notice his roaming eyes while at dinner; he was checking out every guy that walked by and continually making eyes at our server. After I paid for the meal, I excused myself to use the restroom. Upon my return, I caught him jotting down his phone number that he was going to leave for the server. He nervously threw down the pen and tossed out the number. I confronted him about it in a nice way and he said, "Oh, that's not my style to do that." I wanted to call him on his crap and tell him that he had just done quite possibly the tackiest thing I had ever witnessed on a date, but I didn't. What do you suggest for that kind of behavior? I'm not interested in scolding boys and making them feel little, but what gives? I would appreciate your advice.
Kevin Mork
Dear Mr. Mork,
This meal left a bad taste in your mouth, and rightly so; your date sounds like what we in the etiquette biz call "a real jerk." But the short answer to your question is that you did the right thing. Scolding dates for bad behavior is, itself, rather improper. And, honestly, a guy who gives a waiter his phone number while his date is in the bathroom -- and then denies it -- isn't likely to respond well to even the most constructive criticism. You had a bad date. It's time to move on. The best way to show a date that he has treated you irredeemably ill is to call it an evening -- and then refuse further invitations from him.
Dear Social Grace,
I am your normal (not chunky, just average body type) woman. I was at an expensive restaurant in Los Angeles, and a woman in our party had the full Hollywood surgery-made look. Well, our waiter just had to address me with the Italian title of "Mrs." and surgery-made woman with the Italian title of "Miss" (and he even knew I wasn't married). I said politely, "Hey, I'm not married!" And his reply was, "I thought you were married to yourself." I feel that it was quite rude of the waiter to do this, and I believe he did it to get on the good side of the surgery-made female. I know that guys put down other guys, but for a waiter to put down a female guest just because he wants to get the attention of someone that looks at fat wallets first, this is just an L.A. horror story. Looking back on this terrible incident (gee whiz, I was just sitting there being a nice person), I wish I had said, "I'm pretty on the inside, but you'll never see that inside," but I was quite hurt. I didn't know what to think, and the surgery-made woman just loved it. I've learned my lesson. Although I live in Los Angeles, I spend my money at San Francisco restaurants. What would you have done in this situation? Thank you.
Stuck in L.A. With Scalpel-Made Starlets and Eurotrash Waiters
Dear Stuck Madam,
If I'd been intentionally insulted by a food server, I would've asked to speak to a manager right then and there, or I would've let someone know after the fact -- by letter or phone -- why that restaurant had lost my future business. It's never a good idea to get into a name-calling match with an impolite waiter, and your pretty insides aren't likely to impress someone obviously concerned with the superficial.
But you really mustn't give rude waiters such power over your emotions (you may even encounter one or two here in San Francisco, I'm afraid). And let's admit that there's a chance this waiter was trying -- in an odd way -- to make a joke. If people are downright mean, getting your feathers momentarily ruffled is understandable, but if they merely have a peculiar sense of humor, you're better off just smiling noncommittally and forgetting the whole interaction.
