An ex-boyfriend and I used to figure out which movie to see by looking at the Chronicle's "little man," the proto-emoji of sorts that depicts the Monopoly guy (or maybe an extra from Beetle Bailey) sitting in a theater seat. If he's mildly amused, he sits forward, head up; if he's really into it, he claps; and if he freaking goes bonzerdoodles, he's leaping out of his seat. He also falls asleep in the seat, for films like Days of Heaven — or, in my case, The Master. But we were most interested in the pictures that were of just the seat, with no man. Empty. The worst movies of all time. We would circle all the empty seats and then hit every one of them.
Metacritic now allows me to do the same thing not only with movies but also with music, television, and games. For the uninitiated, the site aggregates reviews from various sources and applies a score to everything. The films that score the highest are generally poncy "art" pieces or academic blatherings, but since television doesn't have a whole lot of that stuff, it's mostly reliable. But I of course skim straight to the bottom of the barrel. While the top of the music list contains critical darlings like The Pretty Things and Smithsonian Folkways' Lead Belly boxset, the bottom has gems like Chris Brown and Papa Roach. Worst reviewed album of all time? Playing With Fire by Kevin Federline (aka K-Fed).
But television — Wow! If it's bad, it's not as though you've spent any extra money on it, so just relax and enjoy it. I've already covered a few shows that I thought were turrible, like Paternity Court and The Walk Of Shame Shuttle, but it was time to see what my compatriots thought was the worst stuff on TV. I started with the current list on Metacritic, which covers the more recent releases. The two worst are NBC's One Big Happy (yawn, another family sitcom, even if this one has lesbians), and Sex Box, which deserves its own paragraph.
Here's the premise: There's a box on stage and couples who are having marital problems go inside it and have sex, possibly for the first time in months. Should I stop there? Surely that's enough. But since the WE network had to try to come up with a teachable moment to pass off this glorious crap as edumacational, they also throw in some therapists who work with the couple before and after — because, as we all know, after sex your endorphins are racing and you are at your most vulnerable. Excellent time to go on TV and talk about your failed relationship. The entire time I watched it all I could think was, "Ugh, what does he/she see in that girl/guy?" And the thought of some of those people committing frottage upon one another's nasty bits — lawdy. I DVR'd the entire season so far, and totally binged on this monstrosity. It's fanfuckingtastic.
But what about the Worst Shows of All Time that are simultaneously amazing? Metacritic doesn't go back that far, but I have a few ideas: Pink Lady and Jeff topping the list. Pink Lady was a teen-pop singing group from Japan in the '70s, Jeff is comedian Jeff Altman. The show was chock-full of skits and gags, mostly around the language barrier. To paraphrase: "Jeff: 'I hear you guys are the biggest thing in Japan!' Pink Lady: 'No Jeff, biggest thing in Japan is Godzilla!' " Rhino was kind enough to release the DVD boxset of the show a few years ago.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention shows I absolutely hate that everyone else likes. To wit: Firefly, the Joss Whedon outer-space/Western mishmash. My hatred for this show is compounded by everyone who seems to mourn its passing and petitions for its return. The spaceship looked like a turd, the cast was boring, and, worst of all, there were no vampires or demons. Barf. Second: The X-Files. You both mumble your words, I don't care about UFOs, and just fuck already. Third: The Wire, The Greatest TV Show Of All Time. Snooze. Were I The Little Man, I'd be in my seat, asleep, with my hat on my knee.
No, I'll stick with Dating Naked or Love Prison, thank you very much.
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