Interesting answer you gave to the person who wanted to hold a party from 5 to 9 p.m. but only allow children from 5 to 7 p.m. ["Flirt and Get Hurt," Dec. 10.]
How would you suggest that he or she get rid of the kids (and their parents) at 7? After all, the little ones didn't drive themselves to the party. I can't really see interrupting adult conversations to say, "I'm sorry, since you're a parent, it's time for you to go."
Mystified
Dear Mystified Madam or Sir,
You bring up an excellent point -- one I've raised in past columns but neglected in this one: It's a lot easier on everyone if a host throws only one party per night. That is, if she wants to have a family-oriented, fun-for-the-kiddies party and an adults-only, swanky cocktail party, she should schedule them on different nights.
However, a host should be able to let guests know that a party is over without telling them, somberly, "It's time to go" (ending the evening rather abruptly). I also prefer to avoid the transparent subterfuge recommended by many party mavens -- yawning and conspicuous remarking on the lateness of the hour.
Keep things positive, and start wrapping things up at least 30 minutes before you want to slip into your sweats and begin cleaning (or bring out the hard liquor and R-rated film). The above host, for example, could say to individual guests: "I really want to thank you for coming. This has been so much fun, and spending time with little Dakota and Carolina is always a treat. We'll have to do this again very soon." At a children's holiday party (and at many other kinds), you can start handing out "farewell gifts," saying: "Before you go, I've got a little something for you." Etiquette prefers the carrot to the stick, whenever possible.
Guests have an important part to play here, too: Don't be that dreaded creature, the party guest who doesn't know when to go home. If an invitation gives an event's "end" time, note it and stick to it.
Dear Social Grace,
I work in downtown San Francisco near the tourist areas. On several occasions, I have been approached by what I am fairly sure are scam artists trying to get me to give them money. I don't mean regular panhandlers -- these men are nicely dressed, and they start the conversation by acting like they just need directions. They then tell me elaborate stories that involve them somehow being stranded without their wallets and in desperate need of $20 or more for some emergency. The stories always sound a little improbable but not quite impossible, and they claim they can't get help from any of the regular channels, like the police or people they know. They offer to take down my address and return the money immediately if I can give them a loan.
I feel terrible, because it might be that some of these men are in legitimate need of help. But I am also certain that most of them are just con men, because there are a couple I've seen repeatedly trying the same story on other people on different days.
My first question isn't exactly an etiquette question, but is there any good way to tell con men from people who really need help? Second, if I do decide that I am just not willing to give this person any money, what's the most polite way to say this and end the conversation? I've tried saying I don't have any cash, but they offer to come with me to an ATM. I've tried saying I'm in a hurry for an appointment and can't take the time, but they don't give up that easily -- they've even followed me down the street, insisting it will only take a moment. I feel a little uncomfortable telling someone flat out that I think he's probably a con man. What should I do next time? Thank you.
Via the Internet
Dear Concerned Madam or Sir,
You seem able to spot a snow job fairly well already -- which is fortunate, since I can't give you a single, fail-safe way to spot them. No such "con test" exists; you'll just have to use your good judgment. I'll tell you, though, that a person who doesn't take no for an answer -- someone who offers to accompany you to an ATM or asks for your address -- is probably not simply a regular fellow who ran into some bad luck. That very insistence should be a clue that something isn't right.
It's not nice to tell someone that you think he's scamming you. In the main, etiquette wants you to assume the best about other people, and when you can't do that, it wants you to protect yourself by having as little as possible to do with them. Telling a guy you think he's a con man (whether he is or isn't) is unlikely to lead to a useful conversation. And we all rely on the kindness of strangers. To that end, you could offer to help a person in a difficult situation by getting the appropriate authorities involved. Someone who resists taking this step is even more likely not on the up-and-up.
When you're asked by someone you don't know for money that you can't or won't give -- whether it's by a con man, a panhandler, a telemarketer, or someone collecting for a charity -- the proper answer is, "I'm sorry, no." You need not give a reason: Your reason is your business. If I found myself involved in a conversation that had turned suspicious in this way, I'd say (in an apologetic tone) that I prefer not to give money to strangers in the street.
And if a threatening person starts demanding money, you should definitely find a police officer or go to a public place, such as a shop or a restaurant, and ask an employee to phone one for you.
