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The Name is Nino. El Nino. 

Investigation unmasks worldwide James Bond weather-disaster conspiracy

Wednesday, Dec 10 1997
It has come to SF Weekly's attention, through sources we do not wish to reveal, that James Bond, United Artists, Ian Fleming, Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan have joined in a conspiracy against the people of the United States, the Philippines, China, Brazil, and Peru, to wreak havoc of unconscionable magnitude for decades to come. These sources tell us that, since 1963, every year that there has been an El Nino "event," a James Bond movie has also been released.

This should come as no surprise. A careful reading of cutting-edge paranoid literature shows Bond et al. to have long conspired against the American people. For example, James Bond series author Ian Fleming worked closely with Kennedy assassination mastermind Clay Shaw, and Bond himself "is a real person that [sic] lives in Philadelphia and is very close to the Cummins Catherwood family," notes paranoid investigator John Judge in the classic The Fourth Reich in America (1989, Flatland Press, Mendocino).

Then again, British double agent Kim Philby revealed during a Soviet de-briefing that Cummins Catherwood laundered money for the CIA, according to William E. Kelly's The Mystery of Goldeneye: James Bond & Ian eFleming. The Men & The Myth. (1995, WWW Mall).

SF Weekly's own investigations show that a certain Cummins Catherwood is executive vice president of the $500 million Philadelphia brokerage firm of Rutherford, Brown & Catherwood. Like all U.S. investment firms, this one was involved in the recent, mysterious crash of international financial markets.

And we shan't even bother mentioning the unexplained conversations between Bond-movie associate producer Barbara Broccoli and Princess Di boyfriend Dodi Fayed just days before the two lovers met their tragic death. "They intertwine, you know, they lock together, and their histories coincide," explains Judge. "They send each other books and messages. They know each other. They get each other jobs."

And, SF Weekly has learned, they manipulate global weather patterns.

James Bond Movie: From Russia With Love
Evil SPECTRE (Special Executive of Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, Extortion), led by diabolical Ernst Stavro Blofeld, plots to obtain a Russian encryption/decoding device known as Lektor. In the wrong hands, the device could wreak havoc on the encrypted communications used in international diplomacy, finance, and commerce, thus forcing the world to bow to SPECTRE's evil dominion.

Britain puts its faith in James Bond, who indeed saves the world.

El Nino Havoc
A periodic warming of the coastal Pacific Ocean is accompanied by air pressure deviations between the East and West Pacific. Droughts, floods, and cyclones ensue, resulting in incalculable financial and social devastation. A January storm observed on the Sarawak coast of Kuala Lumpur is the worst in 50 years. The crew of a North Korean fishing vessel beset by a severe storm gathers in the captain's cabin and chants portions of the biography of great leader Kim Il Sung. Their invocations save them, according to North Korean Communist Party legend.

James Bond Movie: Thunderball
Emilio Largo, director of SPECTRE's field organization, plots to steal two NATO atomic weapons and use them against cities in the West unless the superpowers pay $100 million. SPECTRE could propagate nuclear technology until every tin-pot nation is able to make bombs in its own back yard. Bond ingeniously foils the plot. The Western world celebrates.

El Nino Havoc
The killer drought of 1965-66 ravages Eastern Asia, condemning millions of rice farmers to famine. Analysts fear that starvation will lead to political chaos. A flood of the South Platte River in Colorado is the worst in recorded history. Debris-clogged flood water roils north through Denver, ripping out bridges, destroying buildings, drowning animals, and forcing the evacuation of hundreds of residents. At least six people are killed in Denver alone. A record-breaking storm in Carroll County, Md., forces the closure of Route 30. Desperate dairy farmers open the road with tractors. Local accolades continue to present.

James Bond Movie: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
SPECTRE's Blofeld plots to launch biological warfare on the world. The possible result: famine, disease, chaos.

El Nino Havoc
Warm water from El Nino disrupts South American fishing, damaging food supplies and ruining economies. The New York Stock Exchange closes due to a blizzard, disrupting finance. Hurricane Camille is among 12 of 18 tropical storms to reach hurricane strength that year, a 20th-century record. Camille, described as this century's worst hurricane, devastates the Mississippi Gulf Coast, killing more than 200 people, damaging food supplies, homes, businesses, infrastructure, and regional economies.

James Bond Movie: Live and Let Die
A Caribbean strongman plots to supply the United States with free shipments of the illegal narcotic heroin. Americans would become junkies, dependent on him for survival. America's economy, social fabric, and way of life would be jeopardized. In their anesthetized bliss, Americans would ignore their country's demise.

El Nino Havoc
A severe drought kills 200,000 Ethiopians and brings down the government of Emperor Haile Selassie. Selassie becomes the deity of Rastafarianism, a Caribbean sect that promotes the use of the illegal narcotic marijuana. Nebraska spring planting hampered by unusual cold, wet conditions. Extraordinarily hot summer imperils the fall harvest. Southern California sport fishermen enjoy their best season in memory, as bizarre El Nino currents bring tropical fish north. In their bliss, L.A. fishermen ignore Nebraskan and Ethiopian suffering.

James Bond Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me
Sea-loving megalomaniac Carl Stromberg develops a system for tracking nuclear submarines. He captures two with his supertanker Liparus, then plots nuclear Armageddon. With terrestrial Earth gone, Stromberg will create a new underwater civilization.

El Nino Havoc
After a devastatingly cold winter, the United States suffers a drought considered the century's worst. Factories and households ration electricity as hydroelectric turbines grind to a halt. Farmers watch their crops wither in the sizzling heat. Southern California's Mono Lake and other reservoirs turn into puddles. Leaders predict chaos, and regional utilities, water districts, economic planners, and government officials plan accordingly. Farmers switch to high-yield, chemical-fertilizer-intensive crops to compensate for lack of water, leading environmentalists to predict long-term poisoning of soil and ground water. Dry weather in the southeast spawns a plague of insects.

Life within the world's oceans, meanwhile, continues unperturbed.

James Bond Movie: Octopussy
Renegade Soviet Gen. Orlov, angered by NATO disarmament talks, launches a scheme to explode a nuclear bomb in a West German U.S. air base. This will embolden the Western nuclear disarmament movement, he hopes, and thus make the NATO alliance vulnerable to attack by Soviet conventional forces. The resulting war would kill millions of people, ruin economies, and devastate the environment.

El Nino Havoc
Water temperature in the central Pacific rises, killing most of the coral on centuries-old Pacific Ocean reefs off Panama, Indonesia, Japan, and the Galapagos Islands. In Peru and Ecuador, repeated unseasonal deluges damage transport systems, devastate farms, and ruin coastal fisheries. In drought-stricken Ghana and Liberia, bush fires turn countryside to cinders. Droughts in India ruin three-fourths of that nation's crops. Droughts force once self-sufficient Indonesia to import 2 million tons of rice. Similar droughts blight Mexico, Brazil, and the Philippines, where six major hydroelectric dams face closure. Deaths are estimated in the thousands. Economies are ruined. The environment suffers.

James Bond Movie: The Living Daylights
Failed U.S. military man Brad Whitaker joins forces with a double-dealing Soviet general. Together, they pilfer funds from the Soviet budget to finance an arms- and opium-smuggling operation run through Soviet-occupied Afghanistan. Political chaos could ensue.

El Nino Havoc
Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi, struggling to hold together a splintering Congress Party, faces India's worst drought in 80 years. Rice harvest drops by 30 percent, bolstering demands that he step down. Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping falls under attack as drought-created grain shortages bolster hard-liners, who preferred grain-first economic policies to Deng's industrialization.

James Bond Movie: No James Bond Movie Released!

El Nino Havoc
Excessively heavy rainfall in U.S. attributed to El Nino phenomenon by many scientists.

The fools! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! North American deluges are not really caused by El Nino. They are actually the result of thermal influences of the Sargasso Sea and the dynamic effect of the interhemispheric macrosynoptic system, explains Li Xiazhi, a geophysicist at Peking University, Beijing, in his 1995 paper "On the Causes of the 1993 Excessively Heavy Rainfall in USA." Later, scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder reveal that the years from 1990 to 1995 were all part of the same El Nino event -- the longest in 130 years of records. Tellingly, the James Bond movie Goldeneye is released in 1995.

James Bond Movie: Goldeneye
A secret Russian mafialike group called Janus gains control of two Russian military satellites, which use nuclear pulse detonation technology to destroy electronic circuits. Commerce, communication, and transport would halt.

El Nino Havoc
Record storms ravage California, knocking out power to 29,000 Pacific Gas & Electric customers in the southern San Francisco Bay Area. A mudslide closes the coast highway at L.A. rush hour. A spring deluge kills five in New Orleans. A storm strands 1,000 travelers at New Orleans International Airport.

James Bond Movie: Tomorrow Never Dies
Mad media mogul Elliot Carver uses a top-secret navigational instrument to make a British naval frigate disappear in Chinese territorial waters. As the threat of nuclear war between China and Great Britain grows, Carver's media network will bring staged scoops to an otherwise bored world.

El Nino Havoc
Oddly spurred by growing scientific understanding of a weather pattern known as the Southern Oscillation, journalists turn weather stories -- once considered newswriting's worst chicken-salad-from-chicken-shit drudgery -- into breathless headlines. Mundane stories that normally wouldn't see the inside of a rural shopper are pushed to the front sections of metro dailies: "Corona del Mar Christmas Walk, Originally Set for Sunday, Postponed Due to Expected El Nino-Related Rains!" the L.A. Times declares. In the San Francisco Bay Area, heretofore unheard-of news headlines -- "Roofers Roof!", "Clear Day!", and "Nobody Cares!" -- become "EL NINO PROMPTS CALLS TO BAY AREA ROOFERS," "EL NINO EVEN CUTS THE SMOG," and "EL NINO WARNINGS FALL ON DEAF EARS." Readers turn anguished eyes to local cineplex marquees and plead: "James, stop these madmen!

About The Author

Matt Smith


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