A couple of years ago, I wrote to you concerning some friends whose falling out was damaging my circle of friends. Your advice worked, so thank you. I have a new problem for you, and it is similar. Now I have had a major falling out with the husband of a friend. Although I don't blame her, she supports him, and his behavior toward me was immoral and deceitful. I will have to continue to see him at events that our social group does. Not speaking to him is not an option. What do you suggest? I need more advice.
Via the Internet
Dear Fallen-Out Madam or Sir,
Two major rifts in two years -- that's not a bad average for a midsize circle of friends. Because of your circumstances, you won't be able to enjoy the icy satisfaction of the Total Cold Shoulder, but you can employ the Partial Cold Shoulder, which is perfect for acquaintances (and relations, even) with whom we must socialize even though they've done us unpardonable harm.
For either form to work, you must keep from saying nasty things about the object of your scorn. (Of course, you may pour your heart out to your closest loved ones, but don't slam the scoundrel every time his name comes up in conversation.) Otherwise, the nobility and righteousness of your anger is severely compromised. These phrases might come in handy: "It's nothing that should interest you" and "He knows why."
Generally, when you despise someone, you can use a powerful social weapon, which we'll call "cut him dead": If you see him in public, look right through him and refuse to speak to him. But if you must deal with such a person (to avoid embarrassing mutual acquaintances, for example), the Partial Cold Shoulder -- a bare-minimum polite tone and as-brief-as-possible exchanges -- makes your feelings plainer than the nastiest recriminations. Brief exchanges are, for example, "Mortimer" instead of "Good evening, Mortimer," a slight smile and nod instead of a "Fine, thank you -- how are you doing?" and "Mortimer, would you please pass the peas" instead of "Please pass the peas, you scurrilous scoundrel!"
If even that level of interaction is impossible, you might have to find a new social circle in which to revolve. Has he done something so heinous that, if people were to find out, he would be ostracized? If so, let him know, perhaps in a letter, that you prefer to have nothing more to do with him. He might stay away from your friends rather than risk others' finding out why your relationship with him had gone so chilly.
Eventually, if you cannot bring yourself to forgive this man, your relationship with him -- and, unfortunately, with his wife -- will, I predict, wane. He or you will find a new social circle or you will come to a truce. I suggest choosing one of these options.
Dear Social Grace,
I have read that blowing your nose at the table and using your napkin as a handkerchief are both faux pas. However, what I am wondering is whether one can use one's handkerchief at the table to merely wipe one's nose?
Runny
Dear Runny Madam or Sir,
No, one may not.
Dear Social Grace,
An etiquette book I have says that using preprinted "Thank You" cards is wrong. Then why do they make these cards?
Via the Internet
Dear Grateful Madam or Sir,
Etiquette sticklers have generally recommended that personal formal correspondence (thank-you notes included) should be neatly handwritten, in blue or black ink, on unlined paper or folded notecards of a pale color. That paper could have a monogram, name, or very simple design, but any preprinted words (of thanks, etc.) are frowned on -- probably because they seemed to cheapen the sentiment.
All of this seems a bit harsh to me, and many modern etiquette books include that information just as a warning (we all know people like my dear Aunt Vivian, who prefers that things be just so). But most people don't care that much about this sort of thing, and the people who make greeting cards and note paper can make money on that fact, which is why they make those cards. In fact, thank-you notes are becoming so rare that I believe most people would be delighted to receive one scribbled in orange crayon on the back of an ATM receipt. For informal thanks among my friends, I keep some prestamped postcards in my desk, at the ready; people seem to like them. I know for a fact that they appear on refrigerators around the world.
Dear Social Grace,
At a hotel, are you supposed to tip the person at the front desk?
Via the Internet
Dear Traveling Madam or Sir,
Generally speaking, you tip the desk clerk only if she goes above and beyond the call of check-in duty (carries your bags or gets you restaurant reservations, for example). In a hotel, you usually tip the people who carry, clean, or get things for you. And to facilitate such tipping when you travel, have plenty of small bills at the ready.
