My friend "Alice" is dating a new fellow, "Joe." At a New Year's Eve party thrown by our mutual friend "Susan," I saw Joe subtly pick up a small knickknack from a bookshelf in Susan's hallway and put it in his coat pocket. At the time, I didn't want to disrupt the party, and I wasn't sure exactly what to do. Now I'm not sure whom, in this situation, I should speak to. I barely know Joe. I don't even know his phone number or where he works. Should I tell Alice that her new boyfriend (whom she is crazy about) possibly stole something? Or should I tell Susan? I don't think she has missed the item, and it is not valuable, but the last couple of times I've been to her house, its absence seemed to taunt me.
The Only Witness
Dear Madam or Sir for the Prosecution,
In retrospect, it would have been better to say something to Joe right then and there. Even a simple clearing of your throat might have let him know that you'd seen him, and prompted him to return the item. Or I might have tried to give him an out, perhaps by saying, "Susan loves practical jokes! Are you going to do the ol' knickknack-rearranging thing? She'll get a kick out of that; let's put that little snail statue in the refrigerator." Susan would've kept her knickknack, Joe would've learned to keep his sticky fingers to himself around you and your friends (he'd never know whether you'd told anyone about the incident), and you would've been spared having to make a citizen's arrest (a police inquiry into petty theft does have a way of ruining a party).
In situations like yours, feigning a misunderstanding is a polite fiction that can prevent awkwardness. At the same time, people with good sense will smell a rat (theft is so seldom accidental) and be on their guard. Here's how to proceed from this point: Ask Alice whether Joe found a snail statue in his coat pocket after Susan's party. You might tell her that he was playing with it absent-mindedly while talking to you and may have accidentally pocketed it, or that you saw him brush it with his coat and now notice that it's missing from Susan's apartment. If that fails to produce results, and if you're sure you saw what you saw, tell your story to Susan. What she does with the information is up to her, but if I were she, I'd recommend letting all the guests know that an item went missing and asking for information or its return, no questions asked, before confronting Alice and Joe directly.
Dear Social Grace,
I have been friends with "Mark" for a year now. He's one of my few single and gay friends, so we occasionally frequent gay bars. I'm much more socially engaging than he (I strike up conversations with random people, arrange social outings, etc.). He's a bit more socially awkward, but that's fine. All of his friends and social engagements are connected through me (even his job).
However, here's where the trouble begins. When I do meet people with Mark, it takes him all of five minutes to insert himself into my conversation and dominate it. Even his body language shifts, and I find myself physically cut off from my new acquaintance.
Most recently, when someone approached me, he swooped in, and 10 minutes later, they had left the bar! I don't mind introducing people (I fancy myself a bit of a matchmaker!), but am I selfish for not wanting to share each and every single social contact with my "friend" Mark? I wouldn't mind as much if he wanted to be friends with them, but it seems like he's looking for a quick sex fix. I've pointed this behavior out a few times, but it seems perhaps that it's not worth the friendship? Should I try again and just cut him off?
I know it's hard out there on the dating scene, and I'm happy to help a sister out, but this reminds me of a vicious version of Sex and the City. Any advice?
Socially Hijacked in San Francisco
Dear Hijacked Sir,
If you no longer like Mark -- if you think he's socially domineering, if he has proved himself to be someone who steals your potential suitors right off their barstools and mooches your social contacts, and if you decide that his companionship is not worth your while (after speaking to him directly about the perceived problem, which you've done) -- then you would be smart to downgrade him from friend to acquaintance. This response would be the kind thing to do. Your grudging "friendship" isn't worth his while, either, and as Mother Grace always says, every pot has a lid: Mark needs to find a companion who enjoys his company.
If you do it correctly, there's nothing impolite about gently ending a friendship. Without bad-mouthing him to others or deliberately hurting his feelings, simply stop inviting him to hang out with you one-on-one.
Alternatively, you could allot the first 30 minutes of your outings with Mark for setting him up with someone; after he's otherwise occupied, you'll be free to make new friends on your own.
Dear Social Grace,
How can I get acquaintances and relatives to stop e-mailing me the latest shiny object on the Internet that catches their attention? It is not only annoying to receive these things; they also take up limited space in my Internet account. No matter how diplomatically I have tried to gently tell these folks that I would rather they didn't shower me with these "gifts," they either continue to send them or get very offended that I have asked them to stop. I have tried being polite and apologizing for not being able to receive unlimited attachments, but nothing seems to work.
Via the Internet
Dear Junk-Mailed Madam or Sir,
One way around this situation -- and it is at best a compromise -- is to set up a second, free e-mail account. Tell your friends and family to use your primary address for correspondence (explain again that you have limited space, that your employer has forbidden non-work-related attachments, or whatever makes sense), but that "fun" attachments and the like can be sent to your second address. Once every couple of weeks, when you have a free moment, go through that mailbox and delete anything that doesn't merit your attention. If you always respond to queries like "Did you get that hilarious dancing-chipmunk movie I sent?" with a distracted "Um, yes, I think I did," people will eventually lose interest in sending such attachments to you.
The other thing you might consider doing is, forgive me, putting up with it. Spam is a fact of life. Friends and family will send us the occasional bit of nonsense, just like they'll tell bad jokes or regale us with stories we've heard dozens of times, but we love them anyway. If you get an e-mail message with the headline "Funny!!!! :)" that contains only a picture-file attachment and is addressed to your cousin's entire address book, you're probably safe treating it as junk and deleting it without a glance.
