A group of friends and I go out to brunch nearly every weekend. One restaurant in particular is quite convenient for all of us, and the food is quite good, with one exception. They serve a sort of French toast, but it doesn't come with syrup. When you ask the waitress, she'll say, "It doesn't need syrup." (Once we were told that everyone always asks for syrup, but that the management won't allow it!) And there is no syrup to be had in the restaurant. My friends and I would like syrup on our French toast! Is it rude to bring your own syrup into a restaurant and pour it on your order of French toast?
The Ladies Who Brunch
Dear Madams,
Broadly speaking, bringing one's own food to eat in a restaurant is not something one does. In fact, many restaurants expressly forbid it. An exception, though, is generally made for condiments -- and I'd call syrup a condiment. So it wouldn't be rude to bring your own, though it couldn't hurt to ask the food server if adding your own syrup would be OK. It's just odd. If oddity doesn't bother you -- if you don't mind being the ladies who carry maple syrup in their purses -- then go right ahead. I'm picturing your brunch as a relatively casual affair, but if we were talking about dinner at a fancy-schmancy restaurant and you wanted to add, say, ranch dressing to your watercress-and-grapefruit salad, I'd try to persuade you in the other direction. (And if you were a guest in someone's home, you would eat your French toast however it was served.)
If I were you, I'd even suggest to the restaurant's management that customers who are told they may not have syrup on their French toast (even though many of them request it) might prefer to take their brunch business elsewhere in the future.
Dear Social Grace,
I had this discussion with my mom about napkins. I've seen, and have been told, that in informal place settings, the napkin, folded, is placed on the right side of the place mat/setting. My mom maintains that is not so, other than when the flatware is wrapped with the napkin; they are always placed on the left unless in the center of a plate or in the center of the place setting, in some fancy fold if no plate is present.
I believe some styles of place settings have changed over the years, and many of the extremely formal traditions have not. In this case, who's right?
John
Dear John,
You shouldn't have doubted your mother for a moment -- but you may take satisfaction in the fact that she ought not to wrap her silverware in a napkin. Some restaurants do this so that tables can be set more quickly, but in a home it would strike etiquette sticklers as peculiar.
It's usual at a formal place setting to see a napkin in the middle, on either the serving plate or the tablecloth. More informal napkins are placed to the far left of the forks. (Table-manners mavens out there will want me to note that, strictly speaking, a napkin shouldn't rest under silverware.)
Proper napkin placement is a handy thing to know (and I get numerous letters on the subject), but I don't think it's worth fighting with your dear mom about. Mother Grace, for example, is satisfied as long as napkins are present. You are right about one thing, though: The requirement that table settings be exactly correct has relaxed in recent years. At least one napkin rule is no longer enforced: Older etiquette books may tell you that a napkin should be placed to the left of the utensils only if the first course is on the table when people sit down. Some newer volumes mention this rule only to say that it's out of date -- yet another example of the great changes the social upheavals of the '60s and '70s have wrought.
Dear Social Grace,
How do you come out in casual company, such as at work? (Assuming that all the major considerations are covered, and rejection or other potential problems are not going to happen.) It's kind of silly to sit a casual work-friend down and have a big conversation about it, but I have yet to find a way to politely work it into a conversation. By this point, I've worked with people for over a year who don't know.
Thanks,
Closeted-by-Proxy
Dear Closeted Madam or Sir,
With casual acquaintances in a safe environment, a big, dramatic, coming-out talk doesn't seem necessary. I suggest a "they'll find out when/if they need to know" approach. I'd think most modern office small talk would give you plenty of opportunities to work the information in: conversations about weekend activities ("I had a date with a very nice woman"), Hollywood celebrities ("You know, my ex-boyfriend looked a lot like Lee Majors"), restaurants ("My partner and I know some great sushi places in that neighborhood"), and so on.
It's perfectly polite -- and honest -- to have professional relationships based solely on one's professional behavior. When workplace friendships develop, it's often through the sharing of personal information, and that's solely at your discretion.
Dear Social Grace,
I was recently invited to a dinner party of a very good friend, by e-mail. The e-mail said each guest should contribute $10 toward the price of the food. What do you think about that?
Dinner Party Problem
Dear Problematic Madam or Sir,
Frankly, I don't want to think about that at all. But thanks for sharing an example of a wildly inappropriate invitation. Readers, take note: If you ask guests to pay for food, you are running a restaurant, not hosting a dinner party. At least your friend let you know before the fact that she was planning to charge a fee (so you'd have the chance to decline). I've heard plenty of horror stories about this happening by surprise, after dinner.
