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SF's Ministry of Cola Unveils New Beverage Rules 

Wednesday, Jun 17 2015
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Last week the Board of Supervisors approved strict new regulations on sodas and other sugary beverages. What do the new laws require?

• No one is allowed to sell a soda anyplace someone might enjoy it.

• Offering a person of color a soda will be treated as a hate crime.

• The Coca-Cola corporation must teach the world to exercise.

• The flavor "lemon-lime" will be listed on the sex offender registry.

• 7-Elevens will now card anyone using a Slurpee machine.

• Mixing three or more sodas into a "suicide" is now a felony offense.

• Eric Mar will personally go over your drink choices with you to make sure he approves.

• A stern warning being made to salt that we're coming for you next.

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Benjamin Wachs

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