I shall put this bluntly: I hate shaking hands. It irritates me to no end. In social situations, I find it rude that a person is willing to shove some body part at me after having known me for all of three seconds. I almost always respond with, "I don't shake hands, but it's nice to meet you," all with a smile. While I realize that my behavior is not the social norm, handshaking disturbs me nonetheless.
Now, you might think that I have some sort of germ-phobia, but I do not. I do not believe that I'm going to catch some exotic disease. To me, shaking hands is an archaic ritual that no one has bothered to eradicate from our society. I have no problem giving someone a hug after an initial meeting; it's the handshaking that I just cannot deal with.
My quandary is this: How can I get around this during an initial meeting with someone so as not to appear rude or eccentric in a bad way? Friends have suggested that I should tell people that I am sick or that I feel that I am coming down with something. I have tried this a few times and I have gotten around the handshaking. However, a pitfall here is that people I meet think that I have a weak constitution or that I'm a hypochondriac. So is there a way to get around shaking hands in a socially acceptable way? Or am I doomed to either being perceived as rude or participating in something I detest?
Thank you,
Unwilling
Dear Unwilling Madam or Sir,
It is difficult to refuse an outstretched, ready-to-shake hand without seeming either impolite or, to use your word, "eccentric." Frankly, as you describe your feelings about shaking hands, "eccentric" seems fairly accurate. The reasons you give for your vehement dislike of the practice will sound, to most people, trifling. Yes it's an "archaic ritual," if by that you mean a widespread practice that serves as part of our social language. Similar practices include hugging, saying "goodbye," wearing trousers, eating with utensils, and a billion other normal, everyday things people do to express themselves or live comfortably with others.
Now, I'm not saying that you must shake hands if you don't want to. I count a few eccentrics among my dearest friends, and society is much better off for embracing the peculiar folks in our midst. You are already doing the right thing: explaining with a friendly smile that you don't shake hands (making it clear that you shake with no one, but not going into detail about your hatred of the practice) and then insisting that you're pleased to meet the person. If you do this correctly, no one can accuse you of being rude. But you'll have to live with being considered odd. Esteemed Madam or Sir, you are odd.
Dear Social Grace,
You've already replied to letters about cell-phone use. To extend that point further, I'm wondering about general wireless-device usage, such as wireless e-mail units. For example, I find that in many business meetings, people will either have their handhelds on the table or attached to the hip.
Several times throughout an hourlong meeting, it will beep or vibrate (the preferred method of notification) and that person will automatically do the "BlackBerry prayer."
Although I am completely addicted to having e-mail on the go, I leave my unit at my desk because I feel it is important to concentrate on the moment at hand, not lose track of what may be said. However, in work situations, it seems to be acceptable. Could this be a case where just scanning e-mail is OK, but replying would be rude? Thanks for the advice!
George
Dear George,
We should be thankful for small blessings: With e-mail devices, at least, innocent bystanders aren't subjected to inane conversations at loud volumes. And for that reason, one might use a handheld device in situations where a cell phone would be unacceptable (at length on a crowded bus, for example). But in many situations involving other people, dealing with e-mail messages is as inappropriate as using a cell phone (at a restaurant or during a live performance, for instance). Fingering away on a handheld in most business meetings is disrespectful to the speakers and others attending -- except, perhaps, at large, informal seminars and presentations. If you are expecting an urgent e-mail that you must read or reply to right away, let the speaker or the assembled group know ahead of time that you'll be checking your handheld and that you may have to leave for a moment to handle an urgent matter. If the e-mail you're expecting isn't urgent enough to warrant that much of a fuss, it's not urgent enough to warrant distracting you from participating in the meeting.
Dear Social Grace,
Our group of friends goes out for birthday dinners. The routine has been that the birthday girl or boy doesn't pay, and we split the bill evenly.
Four days ago, only three of us went out for a celebration. I expected to pay half, and did. However, I discovered that the birthday girl paid for her meal. Neither party said anything to me. I found out by accident.
I'm incensed. Is it too late to bring it up? And, if not, how should I approach this?
Via the Internet
Dear Incensed Madam or Sir,
Although your pique is understandable, I suggest filing this incident away in the "Perhaps This Friend Is Not Who I Think He Is" file. I see no reason to bring it up now -- especially as you paid the amount you expected to pay. All in all, this was a minor event that may prove beneficial to you in the long run: Although you shouldn't end friendly relations (after all, accidental confusion may have been involved), you now know to be careful about playing high-stakes poker (for one example) with this friend.
