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Savage Love 

Hey, Faggot: I'm a heterosexual male college student, and I have this deep yearning to deflower a virgin. (I know -- me and about a zillion other guys.) Anyway, I don't care about age, race, or body size, but I get really turned on by the idea of sleeping with a deeply religious woman who is inexperienced. It doesn't really matter which religion it is.

I have two questions. First, if you were me, how would you go about looking for a deeply religious virgin who wants to be deflowered? Second, is it wrong to hope for this? I mean, on the one hand I don't believe in judging people according to physical criteria, and virginity could be seen as a physical characteristic. I wouldn't want to miss the chance of meeting my soul mate if she wasn't a virgin, and I've dated non-virgins since I was a teen-ager, yet I still have this longing. I'm afraid if I don't pursue this desire, it will always be an unresolved issue in my future relationships. At the same time, I'm afraid that if I do pursue my longing, I might compromise my chance of having a normal relationship in the future, since I would be identifying with this desire.

Call me unrealistic, perverted, and/or geeky, but this is a serious issue for me. I would greatly appreciate the benefit of your perspective.

Pearl Diver
Hey, PD: So long as our sexual fantasies don't involve harming others, there's nothing wrong with actively trying to realize them. If the virgin you wanna deflower wants to be deflowered, and wants to be deflowered by you, go right ahead and deflower her. Suppressing harmless fantasies for fear of identifying too strongly with them will backfire, I guarantee it. The harder you pretend you're not into virgins -- or leather, or guys, or dresses, or bodybuilders (see below) -- the larger virgins will loom in your mind. If you've got an itch, scratch it, or you'll never be able to concentrate on anything else. You can't run away from your dick, know what I mean?

But finding deeply religious virgins who want deflowering isn't going to be easy: No religious publication, for instance, is going to accept a personal ad that begins, "San Franciscan Seeks Cherry Born-Agains for One-Night Stands." And while you might snag a stray virgin in the personal ads of this paper, the odds of her being "deeply religious" are slight. (Though you may hear from women who claim to be.) And even on the extreme off-chance you do find one who wants to fuck you, your problems wouldn't be solved. Why? CUZ SHE WON'T BE A VIRGIN WHEN YOU'RE DONE FUCKING HER. The morning after the big night, you'll have to begin your search anew. Every time you get that rock to the top of the hill, it's going to roll right back down.

So what to do? Indulge your desires, certainly, but as fantasy. You've dated nonreligious non-virgins, right? Well what, besides maybe your shyness, stopped them from pretending to be the deeply religious virgins of your dreams? Our lovers can't fulfill our fantasies if we're too shy or too embarrassed to tell them what they are. So share. Let's face it: A Catholic schoolgirl outfit, some rosary beads, Mary Janes, a little blush on our cheeks (both sets), and who amongst us doesn't look like a virgin?

Hey, Faggot: Your advice to Lost in Paradise was really beyond the pale. Lost was the guy attracted to bodybuilders. You told him to, among other things, develop "a taste for regular guys," "broaden your sexual horizons," and of course the ever-popular "grow up." I would think writing an advice column lo these many years would have made you aware that some people have very specific tastes and/or very specific "types."

Not unlike Lost in Paradise, I've always been attracted to very masculine men much bigger than myself. Other types don't even remotely do it for me. I can no more get turned on by some skinny effeminate guy than I can by Julia Roberts. So telling Lost (or me) to date slim boys -- no matter how cute they may be -- is pointless advice. You tell him to "get horny for different types of men," as if it were as easy as switching brands of bottled water.

If someone told you to broaden your sexual horizons by getting horny for women, you'd be outraged -- you'd say they were an ignorant homophobe trying to impose their worldview on your sex life. And you'd be absolutely right! So who are you to question someone else's preference (a preference they are not in a position to change)? Talk about someone needing to grow up!

Mike S.
Hey, Mikey: First off, I don't know what gyms you hang out in, but effeminacy is not a characteristic unique to skinny men: There are plenty of beefy swishes running around, and plenty of butch skinny guys. I didn't come down on Lost in Paradise because of his thing for bodybuilders. But he complained of not being able to find himself a bodybuilding boyfriend after looking for more than 10 years.

As I said to Lost, and others with similar problems, "If your tastes are highly specialized, and you're unwilling or unable to broaden your horizons, then you're going to have a hard-ass time finding sex partners. Deal with it. ... Get horny for different types of men, or reconcile yourself to a long, and potentially unsuccessful, search for your dream meathead."

It's like this: If someone's fixation isn't giving him or her any grief, then there's no problem: no need to "broaden," no need to "expand." But if your fixation gives you grief, as was Lost's case, than you might want to cultivate some new, perhaps more workable, fixations -- that's what I advised Lost in Paradise to do. I'm not telling Lost, or you, to get over or unlearn your attraction to bodybuilders -- any more than I would tell Pearl Diver to get over his thing for religious virgins. Like I said, you can't run away from your dick. But advising someone to expand his tastes is not the same as ordering someone to unlearn them. I didn't advise Pearl Diver to "broaden his horizons" because there is no need. He can most likely get by pretending his non-virgin girlfriends are virgins. Lost, on the other hand, can't very well pretend his non-bodybuilding partners are bodybuilders -- unless he can score one of Val Kilmer's batsuits. So it would be in Lost's best interest to ... "broaden his sexual horizons."

Lastly, Mikey, I'm sure you didn't mean to equate sexual orientation with sexual fetishes: "If someone told you to broaden your sexual horizons by getting horny for women, you'd be outraged ..." blah, blah, blah. A person digs men or women or both, and on that foundation, each individual's varying sexual tastes are stacked: He likes high heels, you like bodybuilders, she likes bondage, he likes blond hair, I like big teeth, and on and on. The traits or activities that spin our wheels are all gravy, darling, icing. They ain't the steak, and they ain't the cake.


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