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Savage Love 

Hey, Faggot: I am a lesbian and have been with my partner for five years. I love her with all my heart and we have really great sex, but I yearn for something more. I have, in previous relationships, enjoyed buttfucking, both giving and receiving, but she refuses to participate. As a Buttfucking Guru, what advice can you give to help me convince her to loosen up?

Tastefully Wanting
Hey, T.W.: I've been giving buttfucking advice in this space for well nigh four years now -- but I don't feel I've earned the honorific "Buttfucking Guru." Not, at least, while buttfucking giants still roam this earth. I am speaking, of course, of Dr. Jack Morin, author of the Buttfucker's Bible, Anal Pleasure and Health. So I decided to give Morin, a sex therapist in private practice in San Francisco, a little ringy-dingy. After gushing like a schoolgirl, after pleading and after promising not only to let everyone know that they could and should order their very own copies of Anal Pleasure and Health from the Sexuality Library (800/289-8423), but also to plug his newest book, The Erotic Mind (to be released by HarperCollins in September), Morin consented to come down off the mountaintop and answer your letter.

Morin feels you should proceed slowly: "For the one who is more experienced, it's really important, especially if your partner is reluctant, that you are patient. Pressure is the worst thing; it makes a person more tense, and tension is the enemy of anal pleasure."

So if can't you pressure or rush her, what can you do? "Find out from your partner what makes her uncomfortable, what might make her more comfortable, and what might make anal intercourse more appealing. She may feel it's dirty and yucky. If that's the issue, you could address how to make it less yucky." Whoa, Doc! Slow down with the technical jargon -- you're losing us!

"If encountering shit or smells is a concern, as it is for a lot of people, showering together and anal douching could help. In terms of her enjoying receiving anal stimulation -- she might be too tense anally to enjoy being touched there. She needs to increase her comfort level with her own anus, learn to relax it."

How can she do that? "The best way, if your partner is motivated, is through self-exploration, looking and touching, perhaps while she is alone."

If all else fails, you may need to reconcile yourself to a buttsex-free partnership. "Maybe your partner just doesn't like anal stimulation. There are people who explore, get to know the area, are able to relax and it still turns them off. This simply may be an area of sexual pleasure you and your partner will not be able to share."

Hey, Faggot: My girlfriend isn't into anal sex because she doesn't want to end up with a butthole spread open like the women in porno magazines and she doesn't want to lose control over her sphincter muscle. I told her that won't happen unless you do a hell of a lot of buttfucking, but she isn't convinced. Is this a ridiculous fear, or well founded?

Hey, Hankering: "I'm sort of the expert," said the ever-modest Dr. Morin after I read him your letter, "and I have never seen a case where someone lost control of their sphincter through anal intercourse. If it is done correctly -- without force, allowing the sphincter muscles to relax -- the muscles return to their normal state after the experience." The good doctor wanted you to pause and consider the last time you took a dump: "The muscles relaxed, opened up and let it out. Well, anal intercourse is a quite similar process, but in the other direction. When a person has learned how to let those muscles go, they don't lose control. They have just learned to really relax. If you were to see their buttholes when they weren't allowing them to relax, they would look perfectly normal."

Hey, Faggot: I invited a man home with me for some sex and slumber. I hadn't known this man for very long and I didn't know his HIV-antibody status. But this seemed no concern since we were fucking with condoms.

During the fucking, however, the condom came off. Neither of us noticed -- actually, it never occurred to either of us to check periodically for such a blunder. He not only left the condom in me, but he also came in me. This freaked us both out and neither of us knew what to do. So, if this should happen again, what is the best course of action? An enema? A douche? A quick shit in the john? Is there anything that might reduce the potential for HIV transmission after the fact?

Since then we have both tested negative for HIV antibodies. Plus, we check regularly for the condom during sex. Colored condoms are real easy to spot in dim light.

Hey, TLL: According to a medical doc I spoke with, an after-the-accident douching or dump couldn't hurt -- but it probably won't do all that much to reduce your odds of getting infected if your partner is HIV-positive. The important thing is to make damn well certain someone doesn't "accidentally" come in your ass in the first place. While you're fucking, says Dr. Morin, "make sure the condom stays on." Morin felt that "the inserter, as a practical matter, has a special responsibility, as he is the most likely to feel the condom coming off first."

But both Morin and I felt that it wouldn't be wise of the insertee to rely solely on the kindness or good behavior of the inserter -- the insertee should be checking up on the condom occasionally, too. I would even go so far as to say that making sure the condom stays on is the bottom's responsibility, if for no other reason than the bottom has more at stake. If an accident "happens," an HIV-negative bottom is much likelier to get infected by an HIV-positive top than a negative top is by a positive bottom. So if you're a "bottom," never, never leave putting the condom on, or keeping it on, up to your "top." Let your hand drift down every few minutes and feel for that condom -- and as you pointed out, colored condoms are excellent for easy look-sees.

"People need to have their own policies about safe sex," Morin adds, "but personally, I feel even with a condom on it is better not to come inside. Condoms can occasionally break or tear, and that can have serious repercussions. And the writer might want to consider whether it is a smart idea to do anal sex casually. Anal play -- perhaps yes -- but when it comes to fucking, you might want to know your partner first, and have established avenues of communication." Listen to the doctor -- he knows what he's talking about.


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