Ross Lynch looks like a young Barry Manilow. It's mostly in the nose, which resembles the oblong, arciform handle of an ornate French teapot. Load him up with black hair dye and heroin, and you'd also have a really good Johnny Thunders. But the fates have instead bequeathed his corporeal form, at least in this lifetime, as one of the biggest stars on television that you have probably never heard of. That's because you are not between the ages of 6 and 11 — and if you are, well, don't look at the last pages of this paper. And get to bed at a reasonable hour, it's a school night.
Ross Lynch is the star of Teen Beach, television's second-highest-rated cable movie, like, everrrrr. It came after High School Musical, another cha-chinger for the Disney Channel brand. Teen Beach 2 — or as I have taken to call it, Shartnado 2 — premiered at the end of June and also had staggering ratings. The most annoying thing about both of these, erm, films, is that goddamnit, they are pretty dang cute and catchy. Gah. The only way to really redeem myself for what can only be described as a minor obsession, is the drinking game I developed to go with the "all-star premiere" Disney hosted.
Firstly, let me say that for a billion-dollar behemoth, this red carpet affair was done on the cheap. Fake palm trees, fake paparazzi — okay, that's understandable — and a stupid-as-fuck altar set up with gimcrack from Disneyland's Enchanted Tiki Room to provide ambience. The two babbling, wedge-heeled Disney Radio DJ chickiboos asked the stars various questions that kids had tweeted, so the whole thing wasn't exactly commentary from the Criterion Collection. By the end of thing, I was totally clear on which song was each star's favorite and what's fun about being at the beach. For the drinking game, it became apparent in the first five seconds that the word one should listen for would be excited, or any variation thereof. Being in the movie was exciting, seeing old cast mates was exciting, the premiere was exciting, doing the musical numbers was exciting, being fellated by the production assistant was exciting, feeling the warm gush of hot blood spurt over your face while you slid your bowie knife into the throat of some poor homeless man you crept up on in the wee hours between filming was exciting. Exciting!
I was waiting for Lynch, though. The star is one of four siblings who have a terrible band — does that need pointing out? — called R5. They do play their own instruments, and since they're trained musicians, there's really no excuse to be some idiotic Disney prop.
But it's Lynch's backstory that is the stuff of some Shakespearean tragedy. Not his life per se, but that of his brother Riker. The entire family moved to L.A. to pursue Riker's dream of making it big as an actor/dancer/entertainer/extra on Glee. At the time, he was probably the best-looking of all his siblings (four boys and a girl), so he seemed the logical push even though the entire bunch has reportedly either been home-schooled or sent to an arts school. Unfortunately, Riker lacks charisma of any kind. So does his other brother Rocky, who you surely saw as "Flight Director #3" in NASA: Exploration Space — Explorers Wanted, the informational video on the Cape Canaveral tour. Sister Rydel looks like someone you would pay to do your pet-sitting. Riker is also relegated to being R5's bassist, the least likely member of any band ever to get laid. I mean, come on, your life is fucked, dude, and your little brother Ross is the one who's having the meteoric rise. That opiate addiction is sitting there, crouched and ready, calling to you. But look on the bright side, kid: You can hang out with Leif Garrett and compare teen-idol notes.
Finally, Ross Lynch was "in the house" on the red carpet. Please oh please use the word exciting. But he never does. The Disney chickiboos even flat out ask him, "How excited are you right now?!" He deflects.
"Guys," he says, gazing out towards the theater, "I think people are going in to watch the movie right now ..."
OMG, he's such a rebel.
Comments are closed.
