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REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World 

Wednesday, Jan 13 1999
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Aries (March 21-April 19): The latest Real Astrology/CNN poll shows that 31 percent of all your friends, relatives, and acquaintances approve of your recent grab for glory, while 52 percent disapprove, 7 percent are undecided, and 10 percent wish you would grab for even more glory. Though I'm among the 10-percent minority, I'm hoping I have more influence over you than the timid, cranky majority. And what I say is: Are you gonna let your quest for greatness be run like a popularity contest?

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Remember that fateful day a few years ago when your life came to a fork while your personal power was at a nadir? And remember how you didn't have the strength to make a brave choice, but instead stole down the path that looked easier? Well, I have interesting news for you, Taurus. Your travels have brought you, via a circuitous route, back to a spot very close to that original fork. Conceivably you could return to it and make a new decision with more authority this time. However, there is no beaten path between that place and where you are now. To get there, you'd have to bushwhack through dense underbrush. (I'm praying that tonight you dream of finding a machete.)

Gemini (May 21-June 20): "It's a lot easier to be a heretic than it used to be," writes poet Ed Dorn. "There are more religions willing to kill you, more states willing to cooperate with sectarian harassment, more laws cranking out more crimes ... the world swarms with lite crimes and their companions, lite heresies." There are also more fanatics of every political and moral stripe who are enraged by anyone who doesn't share their opinions, I might add, as well as increasing numbers of ordinary folks who've been seduced into thinking it's cool to be a dogmatic know-it-all. In other words, Gemini, you've got your work cut out for you. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to unveil a colorful array of weighty, well-argued departures from the conventional wisdom.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I'll confess a deep, dark secret from my own past if you confess one from yours. Me first? OK. In the 1980s I wrote a sexed-up astrology column for Gentleman's Companion, a porn magazine edited by Larry Flynt's wife, Althea Flynt. What's worse, I secretly enjoyed it. Now it's your turn, my fellow Cancerian. Find a good, kind listener you can trust with your shame, and share your terrible burden. You'll be amazed at the psychic energy it'll liberate.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Just because the rich are getting richer and the poor poorer in society as a whole doesn't mean a similar polarization has to happen in your own sphere. In fact, the early part of 1999 is a perfect time for you to buck that nasty trend. I recommend that you go so far as to steal from the wealthy parts of your life and give to the less fortunate parts. For starters, you could sublimate some of your overflowing sexual charisma into an effort to take better care of the people who tolerate and love your shadowy side.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Sometimes you just have to regress and express a little infantile behavior in order to release the boisterous creative spirit locked away in your adult composure. So how about it? The first step on the path to conjuring up your next masterpiece might be to fling a spitball at a tightwad. Or to hurl a water balloon at a great dictator (like the one in your superego, for instance). Or to irreverently play like a kid with an adult prop that you treat with almost too much respect.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I'm going to give you two sets of words, Libra. I believe that one or the other -- but not both -- will characterize your life in the next few weeks. It'll be largely up to you which emerges as the dominant theme. Now study the two lists, choose the one you prefer, and begin instructing your subconscious mind accordingly. List A: cornucopia, wellspring, mother lode, bumper crop, gold mine. List B: exorbitance, gluttony, padding, bloating, overkill.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In an ironic essay directed at ambitious self-promoters, Lewis Lapham offered the following credo for choosing one's companions: "Seek out the acquaintance of people richer and more important than yourself, and never take an interest in people who cannot do you any favors." if you're honest, Scorpio, you'll admit that your own social instincts contain at least a touch of that attitude. And while it may be a forgivable flaw any other time, you simply can't afford to have it infect your schmoozing now. For the next three weeks, please be utterly nonutilitarian in regard to your friendships. Paradoxically enough, that's the most pragmatic thing you can do.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): These days you have an unusually strong talent for spotting vulnerable chinks in the armor of allies and enemies alike. On the other hand, your allies are highly inclined to see the best in you and your enemies are liable to overestimate your strength. So are you going to milk these odd blessings for all they're worth, Sagittarius? No, not unless you're willing to risk one hell of a backlash in a couple of weeks. But you can safely milk them for about half of what they're worth.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Now that you've lurched into the New World, there's no use pretending that you understand what's going on more than you really do. I realize this sounds crazy, seeing as how you're normally the most capable and controlled sign of the zodiac, but you don't know nothin'! In light of this unnerving (yet potentially delightful) situation, I'll suggest a rather controversial strategy: Rack up a lot of credibility by being the kind of naked emperor who calls attention to the fact that you're wearing no clothes.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As I meditate on your life in mid-January of 1999, I'm reminded of an old song, "Tim Finnegan." It tells the story of a man who suddenly leaps up in the midst of his own wake and angrily announces that he's not deceased at all, thank you very much. I expect that you too will make a dramatic return from the dead this week, Aquarius, although in a more metaphorical way. Congratulations in advance on your stunning rebirth.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): In recent years, many fundamentalist Christians have begun to enjoy a hot new addition to their once-staid church services: holy laughter. Parishioners become so excited by the divine presence that they erupt in uncontrollable glee. Some guffaw so hard that they fall down on the floor and flop around like sleepwalking break dancers. Others repeatedly leap into the air as if on pogo sticks, or wobble and zigzag as if trying to dance while drunk. I'm quite sure some version of this phenomenon will overcome you in the week ahead, Pisces. This ain't gonna be any ordinary secular gaiety, but a full-blown rib-tickling by the Divine Wow.

About The Author

Rob Brezsny

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