Get SF Weekly Newsletters
Pin It

REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World 

Wednesday, Feb 18 1998
Aries (March 21-April 19): According to an old tale about the Danish king Canute, he once had his throne moved to the beach. Seated regally in his power spot, he addressed the tide. "Stop your advance," he commanded. "Surrender to my will." But the surf refused to obey. Within the hour, His Majesty was half-engulfed. Chastened, he abandoned his hope of extending his rule. Learn from his experience this week, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's high time to march to the barricades and fight for a righteous cause. It's most definitely a perfect moment to declare the moral equivalent of war on rip-off artists, power-abusers, pleasure-suppressors, and truth-mutilators. Just one caveat, however. Make sure your howls of protest will benefit people besides yourself. Militant action in behalf of nothing more than your own personal interests would have a withering effect on your vitality and clout.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): I've always thought of my role as similar to what Michel Foucault characterized as his: "I'm no prophet. My job is making windows where there were once walls." At this juncture in your astrological cycle, Gemini, I'm inclined to believe that Foucault's description applies to you as well. Much as you might love to completely demolish the thick walls that subdivide your world into fragmented fiefdoms, it's an unrealistic goal. But cutting large peepholes in the facades: Now there's a dream with great potential for coming true.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Avoid people who make you feel like a wet cat stuck inside a small, dark closet this week. And stay out of any tunnel whose "light" at the end is patently fake. On the other hand, gravitate toward activities that rouse light, airy, sunny emotions in you. Like maybe you could start dreaming about the possibility of planting a cherry tree this spring. Or try learning how to do cartwheels in time for the start of baseball season. Or just for fun, gaze up at the sky every now and then to see if you can spy any swings hanging down from the clouds.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The mysterious figure on the bridge who turns away too quickly; the dog that limps when you stare at it, but moves normally when you look at it out of the corner of your eye; the nostalgic smell from childhood that suddenly wells up out of nowhere: Events like these are healthy signs that you're starting to tap into the off-limits areas of your own mind. It's true that such explorations may make you crazy at first. But if you work with it, the feeling will get real rich real fast.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Conventional wisdom says that when you have a desperate craving for sugar, it's often a sign that your deeper needs are going unmet. That may be. However, consider this. What if you're in a position where it's almost impossible to get some of your deeper needs met? Is it such a crime, then, to quench your frustrated yearnings by communing with fresh fudge and butterscotch pudding and peach pie smothered with Swiss vanilla ice cream? Hell, no. In fact, I'd say it's an effective way to keep yourself sane until more of the emotional kind of sweetness starts flowing your way. (Which shouldn't be too long now.)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): So, Libra, by my reckoning the world has been utterly, wildly, innocently in love with you these last few weeks. Are you finally ready to start loving it back with an equal intensity? I'm not exactly saying the ardor it's shown you has been unrequited, but I do think there's room for you to be more demonstrative. For inspiration, study this passage from a poem by the old Persian mystic poet Hafiz, as rendered by Daniel Ladinsky. "One regret, dear world, that I am determined not to have/ When I am lying on my death bed is that/ I did not kiss you enough!"

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I predict the week ahead will be like a constant, gentle orgasm. Nothing ecstatically apocalyptic, mind you; just an ever-flowing sensation of delicious warmth and release. I can foresee just one potential problem with this. While the members of most other signs would smother me with gratitude for making a similar forecast, I'm afraid you're going to get greedy and start angling for much, much more. And that would be a mistake. I assure you that torrents of rapture will come your way soon if and only if you pace yourself now. Be satisfied with a trickle, and you'll create the likelihood of a gush.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Years ago I lived in a shack in rural North Carolina. Since there was no running water, I bathed in a tub filled with well water I'd heated on the stove. To get to my part-time job as a janitor, I rode my one-speed bike eight miles down a two-lane road before dawn. My life was a masterpiece of failure. I'd accomplished nothing that anyone found valuable. On the other hand, I had the glorious luxury of doing anything I wanted. I could spend hour after hour writing poems or reading or making love or walking in the woods. And it was during that time that I sowed the seeds of the intense work I'm doing now. Why am I telling you all this, Sagittarius? Because I'm hoping to sell you on the virtues of emptiness and silence and ambitionless hibernation.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some astrologers imagine that eclipses are bad omens. They say that when the moon slips directly between the sun and the Earth on Feb. 26, a baleful shadow will creep across some part of your life, leading to a crisis. I don't buy that doom-slinging crap. I regard a solar eclipse as the harbinger of a grace period. I see it as ushering in a time akin to what the workplace is like when the boss is on vacation. Or as a period of superslack, when the glowering critic in your superego is likely to drift off to sleep. If you're inclined to believe me, as opposed to the gloom merchants, I suggest you start planning now for what liberated communications you're going to in-dulge in when the coast is clear at the end of next week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "Why Floods be served to us -- in Bowls," Emily Dickenson once lamented in a poem. Right about now you can probably sympathize with what she was feeling when she wrote that. You also have a big "too much of a good thing" problem. But I have comforting news, Aquarius. I believe that you'll soon come into possession of a much roomier bowl. It still won't prevent the surging blessings from sloshing all over everything, but at least you'll be able to get practical use out of more of it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The planet on which you sit is rotating on its axis at a rate of 500 yards per second. You and it are, in addition, revolving around the sun at 19 miles per second. You're also being dragged along with our home star as it races through the galaxy at 12 miles per second. And if all that motion wasn't enough to mess with your inner gyroscope, your head is spinning not quite out of control from all the puzzling choices you have to make right now, and people in your life are changing so quickly that you may feel like you're watching a rock video where no scene is longer than five seconds. My advice, Pisces: Make like a whirling dervish and practice dancing around in spirals at least once a day. That should keep you in shape to stay ahead of the curve.

About The Author

Rob Brezsny


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"