Get SF Weekly Newsletters
Pin It

REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World 

Wednesday, Apr 9 1997
Aries (March 21-April 19): Compared with all you have going for you right now, your problem is very small. You're like a painter who's pregnant with the vision of a great work of art but who doesn't have all the paints you need to execute it in its glorious detail. So expand your palette already. Get out there and beg, borrow, or buy the extra colors you need. If you meet any resistance, tell everyone that the world's classiest astrologer said they'll be doing a service to humanity right now if they help your genius bloom.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): If you were Pinocchio, you'd have had an encounter with Stromboli the Puppetmaster last week. If you were the biblical Jonah, you'd have just finished an extended sojourn in the belly of the behemoth. But since you're you, you probably experienced a gentler version of those adventures. Unless you're trying to accumulate even more raw material for a future novel, I suggest you avoid further heroic exploits for now. Give yourself the gift of vegetating. Sit tranquilly in a quiet sanctuary and ask your lucky stars to help you master the healing art of doing absolutely nothing.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): My new favorite actress is Kristin Scott Thomas from The English Patient. I suspect she's a Gemini, though she hasn't publicly revealed her birth date. Only a Gemini would do what she did at the Academy Awards show a couple of weeks ago. Appearing onstage as a presenter, she looked smashing. Her hair was exquisite, her gown gorgeous, her charisma radiant. And then, without warning, she began very noticeably to scratch her side. Once, twice, five times. "She's got to be a Gemini!" I howled. "She couldn't just bask regally in the spotlight. Her mischievous, rebellious side had to make an appearance too!" Which is similar to what I expect soon for you, dear Gemini: a moment of triumph during which you pick your nose or give a big yawn as you soak up the glory.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): After seeing the temple of Artemis in Ephesus, the ancient writer Philo of Byzantium wrote, "He who has laid eyes on it will be convinced that the world of the immortal gods has moved from heaven to earth." I beseech you to give yourself at least one equally breathtaking experience this week, Cancerian. You need to have your mind blown not just by any old natural wonder, but by things of beauty created by maestros and visionaries. Why? Because your own imagination is poised to materialize a bolder, more sublime master plan for your own life, and feelings of reverence and awe will give it just the right boost.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke once said, "Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure." I'd like you to write down this thought on several pieces of paper, then tape it to your mirror, slip it under your pillow, and carry it in your wallet. Of all the weeks this year, this is the week you'll have the power and ingenuity necessary to outwit your deepest fear and seize the treasure it guards.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Find a place in the natural world where you think it's possible no human has stood for many years. Make this spot your own. Hang out there. Meditate. Have lunch. Then create a shrine or place an offering for whatever god or goddess you're most attuned to these days. You might leave a bowl of cookies and flowers, for instance, or a $20 bill and a favorite piece of jewelry. This will be your sacrifice, your affirmation that you're finally ready to risk the possibility that the old saying is true: Sometimes a new door won't open until you firmly close an old one.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Love may try to slip in through the back door this week. Hint No. 1: Keep that entrance unlocked. Hint No. 2: Don't be too sure you know what love will look like. Otherwise you may mistake it for something else, and prevent it from giving you the gifts it wants to bestow. Hint No. 3: To make love feel more welcome, clean the whole damn house, being sure to concentrate on any leftover evidence of romantic dead-ends and desires that were never fulfilled.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Was the Old Testament prophet Moses a Scorpio? We'll never know. But a case can certainly be made for it. The man was dogged, loyal, and strong; he was a skilled mediator who galvanized courage and faith in his tribe. All these qualities characterize you Scorpios at your best. You also tend to be most creative when you're rebuilding, and are likely to have the most electrifying spiritual experiences of any sign in the zodiac -- both of which could be said about Moses. There's one other fact about our hero that's especially apropos to you right now: He overcame daunting adversities in order to accomplish his legendary feats, not the least of which was his speech impediment. This week you'll have to be more like Moses than you've ever been before.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To prove his love, my friend Rolf once parachuted into a meadow near where the single mom he was infatuated with was watching her son's soccer game. For a similar reason, my friend Jane had herself packed inside a giant cake and delivered to the home of the man whose attentions she wanted to seize. Then there was the time in 1984 when I sold my precious baseball card collection so I could finance a romantic vacation to the South of France for Valerie and me. But all these gestures will probably pale in comparison to the extravagant acts that Sagittarians everywhere are about to commit in the name of love.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You're familiar with claustrophobia and arachnophobia, but have you heard of autophobia? It means "fear of oneself." I'm afraid you've contracted a mild form of this affliction. You seem to be avoiding contact with aspects of yourself that you've deemed uncontrollable or unworthy. It's my duty to inform you that as long as you let this disorder go untreated, those facets you're ignoring will try to sabotage you. So please seek a cure. Step 1: Spend more quality time alone than usual, preferably free of the curse of frenetic busyness. Step 2: Write a letter to the "bad" parts of you, being sure to forgive them their trespasses. Step 3: Hug yourself tenderly three times a day.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It's not a great week to lick honey from a razor's edge, to begin sky-diving lessons with the company offering the cheapest rates, or to wrestle an alligator in an attempt to impress people you don't even need to impress. However, it's an excellent time to be your most entertaining self in order to show off for a cute flirt, and to demonstrate how brave you are in exploring dreams no one else believes in yet, and to unveil your patented brand of witty idealism with so much panache that even cynics will feel goose bumps.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The brilliant inventor Thomas Edison used to say that genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I suspect that formula's hard to take for a romantic like you, even at a time (like now) when you're at the peak of your ability to follow up pragmatically on your brainstorms. Luckily -- thanks to the positions of the planets -- I can in good conscience tinker with Edison's theorem, at least as it applies to you. For a limited time only, genius is a whopping 6 percent inspiration and a mere 94 percent perspiration.

About The Author

Rob Brezsny


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"