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REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World 

Wednesday, Dec 11 1996
Aries (March 21-April 19): In one of the editions of Ripley's Believe It or Not, there's a story about a man who could catch, kill, cook, and eat a chicken in less than two minutes. No doubt this speed king was born under the sign of the Ram. I say this because I've personally known many Aries folks who can find, woo, catch, and break up with a lover in less than two hours. Let's hope, though, that Saturn's leisurely cruise through your sign this year has encouraged you to slow down and commune with more of life's nuances. This week will certainly be a test of your ability to enjoy the depths, rather than just the surfaces, of your wild adventures.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): A long-lost friend or lover may float back into view this week -- maybe even a companion you haven't encountered since your last incarnation. Whoever it is, you're sure to have a showdown with some of the most mysterious memories ever. At times you may feel inhibited by the supernatural squeeze of ancient karma, and at other moments your free choice will be so free it'll scare you. Through it all, be alert for those sneaky moments when the past tries to trade places with the future.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Crazy, macho risk-takers in China's Anhui Province recently made a breakthrough in the taming of alligators. After exhaustive training, they can now sleep, dance, and play-fight with the creatures. Sort of reminds me of the work you've been doing lately. You've made great strides in domesticating your inner demons and disciplining your inner spoiled brat. The dragonish sides of the people you spend the most time with also seem to have mellowed under your influence. If I have any critique, it would be that you could do a little more to master the art of play-fighting.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): The day after they first met, Cancerian baseball star Jose Canseco invited Jessica Sekely to watch him play against Cleveland. Midway through the game, Canseco misjudged a fly ball. It caromed off his head and ricocheted over the fence for a home run. Veteran observers called it the most humiliating gaffe in the history of baseball. If Jose was hoping to impress Jessica, he hadn't gotten off to a very auspicious start. And yet less than two years later, the two married. What's this got to do with you? I regard it as a parable to illuminate your adventures in the coming weeks.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The persimmon tree outside my door has a unique rhythm. By September, after six months of slow growth, its fruits had reached their full size but were still elf-green. Then they began to ripen from the bottom up, their characteristic orange hue creeping slowly toward the top of the fruit. Only in November did their hardness and astringency begin to mellow. Now, in December, hungry birds have finally decided the endless blooming has climaxed. What's all this got to do with you, Leo? I regard the persimmon's growth cycle as having similarities to yours. It took you ever so long to ripen this year, and you were deceptively big quite some time before you ripened, and you ripened from the bottom up.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "Dear Santa: For some unknown reason, my friends and loved ones seem stuck on the idea that I'm practical and brainy. Year after year, they give me Christmas gifts like socks and crossword puzzle books, apparently unaware of the fact that while Scorpios might be the most sexual sign of the zodiac, Virgos are the most sensual. Can't you do something? If I get a briefcase or a calculator again this Christmas, I'll have a tantrum. Please tell everyone I want silky music, golden elixirs, white gloves, pearly balms, ripe pomegranates, wild orchids, and certificates for all-day massages. -- The Virgo Voluptuary"

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A recent study suggests that some mood disorders may be caused and spread by viruses. I've always suspected that psychological states, both negative and positive, are contagious. But this is the first evidence that the phenomenon could have a literal biochemical component. Which brings me to you, Libra. Current planetary configurations tell me you're extra susceptible to catching bad attitudes from people who specialize in that sort of thing. Conversely, you're highly likely to absorb sweetness and light from the good influences you encounter. I think you know what that means: Be super discriminating about the company you keep.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Rich, velvety grays and smoky, cozy cinnamons will be your lucky colors in 1997. Sweet, moist mahoganies, too, and resonant russets that'll inspire you to nestle and cuddle and emote like summer rain. As the year unfolds, ruddy plum will join the color scheme energizing your subconscious mind. When that happens, you'll feel a yearning, almost like an urge to give birth, to thread your roots down deeper and deeper. Why am I telling you this three weeks before the new year begins? Because in the next 10 days, you'll get a sneak preview of what I'm talking about.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I know this is a rude thing to tell a Sagittarius, but I'd really like you to heighten your attention to social niceties and diplomacy in 1997. Your year will be a smashing triumph if you'll just try a little harder to master the conventions of polite communication. To this end, I'm recommending that for Christmas you buy yourself a copy of The Only Personal Letter Book You'll Ever Need. Over 466 pages, it provides perfectly formulated, fill-in-the-blank letters for every occasion, including apologies and thank yous, congratulations and invitations, messages to Mom and courtship inquiries. You can order it at 1-800-231-6000. (No, I don't get a kickback.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I learned a lot during my stint as the Mad Hatter during a "happy unbirthday" tea party for hundreds of children. I found that Capricorn youngsters were slowest to laugh at my silly antics, yet quickest to volunteer to smash a clock with a hammer. I also discovered that most Capricorn kids at first skeptically refused to close their eyes and make a wish and allow me to pour magic fairy dust on their heads. Yet in all but one case, they came tugging on my sleeve later saying they'd changed their minds. And they were invariably the ones who closed their eyes the tightest, wrinkled their brows the most, and demanded extra fairy dust. I suggest you take after them: Ask for more fairy dust NOW!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "Dear Santa: I'm sorry to say that I don't think I really believe in you. But on the other hand I promised myself, after all the near misses in this close-but-no-cigar year, that I would exhaust every possibility trying to get my needs met. No, scratch that. I'm not interested in simply getting my needs met. I want my needs gratified, satiated, fulfilled to the max. And I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief in you, in fairy godmothers, and in any other miracle that might possibly deliver all the goods."

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Full speed ahead, my high-octane friend! Extraversion ahoy! Hamlet-style stewing may have looked cute before, but these days it would just be phony. You're too smart and too strong to pretend you're lacking in leadership abilities. Believe it or not, the clout you dreamed of once upon a time is now within your grasp. So seize control of committee meetings and shape them in your image! Imitate a soaring eagle that's spied its dinner! Destroy the stereotypes that have prevented you from winning access to the heart source!

About The Author

Rob Brezsny


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