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REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World 

Wednesday, Jul 10 1996
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Aries (March 21-April 19): After the Greek government initiated a massive anti-smoking campaign, cigarette sales rose sharply. When I launched a propaganda crusade to talk my 5-year-old daughter out of ever wanting a Barbie, she tore out pictures of the infernal doll from toy catalogs and placed them on my desk. When I began a drive early this year to convince you to formulate a 10-year plan for your life, you responded by rashly glomming on to three sources of immediate gratification. That's why I'm changing my strategy for the rest of 1996. As of this week I'll be prodding you to think small and focus on short-term goals.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I do believe your left hand is finally ready to find out what your right hand has been up to, and vice versa. To make this as painless as possible, I recommend that you throw a "getting reacquainted" party for the two of them. But encourage them to spend awhile holding hands before you let them hurl shocking revelations at each other or launch into rough-and-tumble negotiations. Oh, and make sure you impose this strict rule before beginning: No slapping or punching.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): As I look at the broad contours of your fate in 1996, I'm reminded of a plot from the TV show Xena: Warrior Princess. Xena had two of the four clues necessary to locate a great treasure. Each of the other two clues was in the possession of a person she didn't trust. Putting aside her animosity yet not suspending her wariness, she hammered out a pragmatic arrangement in which they all agreed to work together. From where I stand, you seem to be about where Xena was right before she figured out how to be open to collaboration without being stupidly naive.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Are you familiar with the concept of postdiction? It's a prophecy about the past. For instance, here's a postdiction about your relationship to love and intimacy: The time between 1989 and 1995 was the most unsettling, manic, and impossible-to-master phase you'll ever have in your entire romantic history. I'm happy to predict, however, that you'll have every chance in the next six months to heal the confusion of those earlier years. The second half of 1996 could be like one long love spell.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): For your midyear report, I present a parable. Once upon a time there was a young lion that hadn't quite gotten the hang of foraging for her own food. She knew she no longer wanted to depend on the favors of her parents, yet her hunting skills were still so immature that she sometimes went hungry. One day she came upon a trail of cookie crumbs. "Yes, I'm starving," she thought to herself, "but not for cookies. And besides," she continued, "I could never submit to the indignity of having to lick up a thin line of tiny morsels, even if in the end it all added up to a full meal." And so she drag-assed herself away. Too bad. If I'd have been there, I'd have told her that the trail of cookie crumbs would lead her to a scrumptious feast.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This week, class, let's meditate on the words of C.G. Jung: "The purpose of the descent as universally exemplified in the myth of the hero is to show that only in the region of danger (watery abyss, cavern, forest, island, castle, etc.) can one find the 'treasure hard to attain' (jewel, virgin, life-potion, victory over death)."

I'd like to add that the next two weeks will be prime time for you to dare the kind of descent Jung refers to. While it won't be without risk, it will be as safe as a heroic journey could possibly be. And that won't be true if you launch the quest at a later date.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I trust by now you're getting all snug and cozy in your new dream home, discovering just how liberating it is to be utterly surrounded by a beautiful, secure environment. What's that? You say you're not in your perfect sanctuary? You're still staring at puke-green carpets as you exchange inanities in the hallway with your accidental housemate? Tell me it ain't so! Don't you remember what I predicted late last fall? That 1996 would be the year you found your true roots? Come on, Libra. You've only got six months left. Get out there and materialize your astrological destiny.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Maybe it was not literally a Scorpio who came up with the idea of putting day-care centers in gambling casinos, but the very concept is Scorpionic. The same is true about needle-exchange programs for addicts and music lessons for prisoners. Your sign is famous for squeezing the best out of less than ideal situations; for being smartly resourceful in the face of human imperfection. At no other time has this talent been as useful and necessary as it's been and will continue to be in 1996. As you pass the midway point in the year, rededicate yourself to making it work wonders for you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Just because I'm a pagan, left-wing lover of beauty and truth doesn't mean I'm worthless at helping you generate money. To prove it, I'll be redoubling my efforts to make you richer quicker in the second half of 1996. Here are two rituals I recommend you perform at least once a month until January 1997: 1) Set aside a dollar bill you've received as change from buying something you don't really need. Take a pen and write on it, "I want money to serve what I love." Then burn it in the flame of a white candle. 2) Set aside a dollar bill you've earned by doing work you enjoy. Write on it, "I want money to feed my soul." Then place it in a bed where you make love.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If I could get you to obsess on just one kernel of advice between now and 1997, it would be the words of John Gierland as reported in Wired: "Firefighters are most likely to get injured in their tenth year on the job, when they think they've seen pretty much everything there is to see on fires. They become less open to new information that would allow them to update their models."

In other words, Capricorn, shun as many of your old reliable shticks as you can. Lay aside your favorite secret weapons, and seek out situations where you'll be a virgin or rookie.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When 1996 got under way, your psyche was littered with the metaphorical equivalent of rusted cars, empty beer bottles, piles of old newspapers, and broken toys. I was hoping back then that you'd launch a cleanup campaign unmatched since the late 1980s. Now the year's half over and I'm sorry to report that you've been dawdling. Please rededicate yourself to the detoxification process. I expect the place to be spotless by Jan. 1, 1997.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): D.H. Lawrence dreamed up the theory that somewhere in the world there is one person, and one person only, who is your missing half. If the two of you ever find each other, you can reconstitute the angel that split apart before your births. I wish I could believe this sweet romantic myth. Unfortunately, it's just too pat, too neat. I'm more inclined to think that every intimate relationship creates an "angel" -- a spirit that is bigger than the both of you. In the week ahead, Pisces, I urge you to keep this model close to your heart. Imagine that in every interaction you have with your beloved, you're either feeding or starving your mutual angel.

About The Author

Rob Brezsny

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