Get SF Weekly Newsletters
Pin It

REAL ASTROLOGY for an unreal world 

Wednesday, Jul 12 1995
Comments
Aries (March 21-April 19): I'm about to take my first vacation in two years and have decided not to leave my home empty while I'm gone. At first glance it might seem foolish for an astrologer like myself to have chosen two Aries folks as housesitters. Members of your sign, after all, are reputed to be the least home-loving folks in the entire zodiac. But I'm confident that when I return none of my plants will be dead, nor will raccoons be living in the kitchen, nor will my mail be scattered on the lawn. All the current astrological indicators say that most Aries folks, including my two friends, will show an unusual aptitude for the domestic arts in the foreseeable future.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There's a conjunction of playful riffs and heavy characters in your House of Communications this week. You can expect a deeply talkative week full of double-entendres, mixed messages, and coded invitations. Tongues will be wagging, teasing, and telling very tall tales. Eyes will be roving, rolling, and playing very sly games. You can't afford to pretend it's all a spectator sport. Jump down out of the bleachers, grab the ball, and make up as many new rules as everyone'll let you get away with.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): I'm wearing a tall, conical hat emblazoned with stars and moons and lightning bolts. I have a fake white beard strapped to my chin and am waving my talking wand, Vimala. It's noon on a hot summer day, but I've closed all the curtains and am gazing into the reflection of a green beeswax candle in a circular mirror that was blessed by an Apache medicine woman. I conjure the spirit of my dead grandfather, a triple Gemini businessman who's always ready to answer my mediumistic requests for information. "Grandpa," I whisper, "what should I tell Geminis this week?" And in a booming chortle he replies: "Tell them to make sure they get a percentage of the gross, not of the net profits."

Cancer (June 21-July 22): From an astrological point of view, your New Year is just beginning. How're you going to celebrate? Making resolutions would be smart. You could compose a list of the three bad habits or self-destructive vices you're going to wean yourself from in the next 12 months. What would be even more interesting, though, is to create a list of the three good habits you'll promise to cultivate, or the three beautiful breakthroughs you'll pray for, or the three dreams you'll court using all your skills as a lover.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Congratulations: Real Astrology's Committee on Creative Suffering has certified your current dilemmas to be the most intriguing and useful in all the zodiac. You've really impressed us. These are nothing like the mediocre problems that sapped so much of your imagination last January. They're high-quality quandaries that prove you've worked hard to drum up challenges commensurate with your IQ.

(Confidential to fans of the Grail legend: The Fisher King's wounds are nearly healed. The Wasteland will be fertile again soon.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I can practically guarantee that none of the following events will occur this week: 1) You will not stage your own disappearance in order to collect ransom money. 2) You will not wake up in an insane asylum or a Mexican jail on Monday morning, wondering how you got there. 3) You will not wear a wig or disguise and attempt to take someone else's test.

However, there is a better than even chance that some of the following events WILL transpire: 1) An old friend will find you dancing in the moonlight at a roadside rest stop. 2) You will receive a gift originally meant for someone else. 3) An eavesdropped piece of information will alter your destiny. 4) The sultan of Brunei, or someone almost as important, will invite you to dinner.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You say you want to be cuddled and fawned over and spoiled rotten? But no one's giving you the indulgence you deserve? That makes me mad. With all you've done for people lately, you've earned a thousand favors. What the hell is wrong with everyone anyway?

Looks like you're going to have to resort to craft and guile to get your due. For starters, try this: Ask three guilt-ridden friends, in a teasing tone of voice, if they wouldn't mind cuddling you and fawning over you and spoiling you rotten.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Window-shopping for a new religion? You should be. Or at least browsing for a few hot additions to your old familiar beliefs about the divine whatchamacallit. You have, after all, changed quite vividly since the time when you last hammered out your definitive positions concerning the meaning of life. What was righteously resonant for you back then couldn't possibly be 100 percent true for you anymore. So take a puff or two on a pipe full of catnip, open up a holy book or three, and let your mind entertain the fantasy that ANYTHING is possible.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sometimes, baby, loving you is like licking the sidewalk where a delicious milkshake has spilled. Other times, sweetheart, loving you is like slow dancing with a giant computerized teddy bear that flips me up in the air when it malfunctions.

I don't take it personally though, honey, because you're always a fun place to visit and I don't have to live there. But could you please try to have more mercy on the people who do live there with you? At least let them in on the obvious secret -- that you have several different personalities inside you, each of whom craves different thrills.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Did you ever think about how your body is a miniature furnace? Even as we speak, food and oxygen are literally combusting inside you, generating heat and fueling your every movement, your every thought. This understanding of fire as a source of vitality, not just as a destroyer, is important for you to cultivate now. Your slow, steady life as an Earth sign needs a shot of radiance and fervor and luminosity.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Lately, it's as if you've been trying to pick up a broadcast from Puerto Rico on a cheap transistor radio. It's like you've been skimming the Cliffs Notes version of Life's Little Instruction Book. It's as if you've been running the three-legged race at the company picnic with your leg tied to a couch.

This has gone on long enough. With the power vested in me by my imagination, I hereby mutate your metaphors. Poof! I'm now visualizing you with a satellite system tuning into that Puerto Rican broadcast. I envision you exulting in the unexpurgated text of any self-help book you might pick up. And I see your leg tied to the leg of a bouncy exercise instructor.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Here's your dream dictionary for the week ahead. A dream that you or someone close to you is nine months pregnant means you'll soon have to work harder to nurture a project that's grown pretty effortlessly up till now. A dream of standing on your head means that you're finally seeing things as they really are. A dream of devouring a huge feast and then forcing yourself to vomit so you can immediately enjoy another huge feast means you're on the verge of getting greedy. A dream of turning your face up to drink the rain means you're longing for an emotional experience of spiritual truths, a more intimate contact with heavenly realms.

Info:

About The Author

Rob Brezsny

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Slideshows

  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"