I urge you to prepare for this romantic showdown as you would for a final exam that's crucial to your graduation. You'll probably have no choice but to immerse yourself in a relentlessly profound exploration of your approach to giving and taking, so you should do all you can to make sure you're not just winging it. Given the goofy cosmic influence I mentioned in the beginning, though, it'll also help if you're willing to make fun of your most deeply cherished beliefs. And to mock your own tendency to take everything so damn seriously. And to be religiously comical toward love and humorously romantic about spiritual matters.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You're so strong you could single-handedly win a tug of war against a gang of elephants. You're so sexy you could arouse a tree. You're so interesting you could give a dramatic reading of the dictionary and draw a bigger crowd than God mud-wrestling the devil. You're so smart you could solve a personal problem that's baffled you for years. April FOOL! I lied about the elephants. (But everything else is true.)
Taurus (April 20-May 20): To atone for your sins of the past 12 months, I suggest you borrow the shtick of certain Filipino Catholics who every year around this time march in their bare feet five miles down dirt roads while wearing real crowns of thorns and slapping their backs with spike-studded crucifixes. April FOOL! On second thought, why don't you write a short note saying you're sorry to everyone you've hurt in the past year, and then buy a nice gift for yourself as a reward for the courage you've showed in admitting you were wrong.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): There's a good chance you'll soon be called upon to break up a fistfight ... or save a drowning person ... or rescue a baby from a burning building ... or pull off some other brave feat. April FOOL! It's true that this'll be one of your most fearless and heroic weeks on record. But the events are not likely to be physically dangerous. You may be called on to expose fraud and corruption, for instance ... or to utter the words you've been trying to find the courage to say for months.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your savings account will grow if you deposit money in it. Eating good food and sleeping enough may make you feel healthy. Trying to see the best in people just might encourage them to see the best in you. Deciding which two things in life you want more than anything else and giving them higher priority than all your other desires will bring you exactly what you need most. April FOOL! Life couldn't be that simple. Could it? April FOOLED YOU TWICE! Yes it could.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I can't decide whether to compare your week to a Swiss army knife or a platypus. I'm predicting big teases, pure flukes, and kitchen sinks. There'll be beautiful messes, smart insanities, and bizarre standards. To meet the challenge, I suggest you learn how to be three places at once and all things to all people. April FOOL! Everything I just said was too mild. Multiply it by a factor of 10. Learn how to be 30 places at once.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Be stunningly groomed at all times, Virgo, and show off outrageously. This is one week when it's healthy to be devoted to sucking up love and attention. April FOOL! I don't object to you looking good -- in fact, the astrological aspects suggest you're just naturally foxy these days -- but the fact is that you should now be studying other people intently while discouraging them from prying too closely into your affairs.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Dazzle your love with exotic gifts like a prayer tree from the Ndebele tribe of Zimbabwe. Slip your love glamorous aphrodisiacs like the extract of tiger penis. Tell your love pretty lies that mystify and delight. April FOOL! Given the molten passions foretold by your current astrological aspects, overly precious gifts and love potions and exaggerations will be totally unnecessary. Instead, just feed your love blueberries by candlelight as you tell him or her true stories of the great adventures you're going to pull off together.
Scorpio, hereafter known as Whiny Baby (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A panel of 100 astrologers has voted to temporarily change the name of your sign to "Whiny Baby." If all goes well -- if you intensely vent all your bitching and complaining during the next couple of weeks -- the name will be changed back to "Scorpio" by April 10. But remember, it won't be enough just to whine; you'll also have to either fix or withdraw from the conditions that are making you so grumpy. April FOOL! The very earliest "Whiny Baby" can revert to "Scorpio" is April 15.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The goddess Juno Februata is said to have conceived the god Mars by communing erotically with a sacred lily. The Virgin Mary achieved her gravid state with the help of a dove. And now you, Sagittarius, are about to become pregnant with an ingenious brainchild through mystical union with a six-pack of beer. April FOOL! You won't need any mind-altering substance to conceive the divine inspiration you're ripe for. But a special delivery from an amusing muse wouldn't hurt.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): God has decreed that every noble deed you do this week will burn off twice as much karma as it would any other time. That's why I suggest that you totally forget about all your own needs and be slavishly unselfish. April FOOL! Who ever said that being of service to your fellow humans requires you to be a boring goody-goody? Do the kind of noble deeds that gratify your ego and thrill your sense of adventure.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Postpone haircuts, marriages, major purchases, and trips to places with a "6" in the address. When you cross a street, always lead with your left foot and blink your right eye five times. For good luck when seeking an important favor, envision flying monkeys. April FOOL! I would never give you stupid, pseudo-magical advice like that! Always remember I'm here to stimulate your imagination -- not fill you up with dumb superstitions! Which reminds me: It's high time to dump every last one of your dumb superstitions.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): First make sure no one's looking. Then press your forehead against the message you're now reading. The paper it's printed on is saturated with DGMT, a revolutionary new medicine that the body assimilates through the skin. This miracle drug is guaranteed to make you more pragmatic, guide you to create good psychic boundaries, make you a better judge of character, and help you spot subtle career opportunities. April FOOL! I lied about there being DGMT in this newspaper. But all those beneficial things I mentioned are likely to transpire for you this week anyway.
