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Rant: When Crossing the Street Gets Real 

Wednesday, Nov 16 2011

Ranters: A sullen skateboarder, a furious cabdriver, and a wrathful mother

Location: 24th & Mission

Time: 6:15 p.m. on a Wednesday

Topics Covered: What crosswalks are for; the unlikeliness of a cabbie leaving the cab; the likeliness that both the cabdriver and the skateboarder have had sex with their own mothers; the dangers of public carelessness; what makes a cop real

[Sullen skateboarder wheels slowly across the street, against the light, 10 feet before the crosswalk. A taxi brakes, hard, and the driver hollers out the window.]

Cabdriver: Use the crosswalk you fucking fool! That's why it is there!

[Skateboarder slows further, stopping infront of the cab.]

Cabdriver: You stupid motherfucker! Get out of the way!

[Skateboarder steps to the passenger's side of the taxi, where he punches the mirror on the door. It collapses to the window.]

Cabdriver: I'll kill you!

Skateboarder: Tough talk, motherfucker! I bet you won't even get out of the car!

[Traffic has gathered behind the taxi. Someone honks. The cabdriver swears, accelerates, and proceeds through the intersection, but not before flinging a bottle of water through the passenger's window. With surprising velocity, it sails past the skateboarder and into the doorway of a McDonald's. There, it hits the knees of a mother carrying a baby.]

Mother: Hey, I have a child here!

[The taxi is gone. The skateboarder slinks off, laughing.]

Mother: What is wrong with you people? Somebody's going to get hurt!

[She spots a parking department officer talking on a cell phone at the crosswalk.]

Mother: Ain't you going to do nothing? This is public endangerment!

[The parking cop doesn't seem to hear her.]

Mother: Oh, I forgot. Of course you ain't going to do nothing. You ain't a real cop! You ain't even got a gun!

[The parking cop speaks into his cell phone.]

Mother: Somebody better do something, but nobody ever does. That's what's wrong with all of you. That's what's wrong with everything!

About The Author

Alan Scherstuhl


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