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Rant: How to Prove Your Worth to Walgreens 

Wednesday, May 9 2012

Ranter: Pixie-cut, mini-skirted fortysomething woman in dingy garb that suggests hipsterism, homelessness, or both.

Location: Outside the Walgreens at Market and Stockton

Time: 10 p.m. on a recent Saturday

Topics covered: Security guards' prerequisites; the importance of advanced education; how shoes can be earned; why cops are slow to respond to shoplifting calls.

[Detained by two much larger fellows, one in security garb and the other in pretend-shopper street clothes, and seated Muppet-like on the low wall that indicates the stairs to the Powell BART station, the pixie-cut woman fills the night with hectoring remarks.]

Pixie-Cut Woman: "Loss prevention." More like "people harasser!" What do you have to have to get that job? A G.E.D? Do you call your mom and tell her "I got one today! Today I showed Walgreens how much I was worth!" Do you have any college? No! If you did, you wouldn't be doing oh-so-important "loss prevention!" I have two college degrees, so don't act like you outsmarted me. If you're so good at your job, how come you didn't get me until I was out the door? I was all the way outside, and the shoes were all the way outside, so I don't think you have a case. Those aren't Walgreens' shoes once they're outside! Those are mine!

Plainclothes Security Guy: You didn't pay for the shoes.

Pixie-Cut Woman: No, I earned them. I made you two look good for once, so let's just say loss-prevention paid for those shoes. Look, I walked around all day in holey socks, and I don't have any money, and I saw those shoes and thought, "Why does Walgreens have shoes?" and then I thought, "I'm just taking what I need." To each his own. Her own, I mean. And now you're arresting me?

[A long moment passes.]

I guarantee they're sitting around the station house arguing over who has to deal with my ass tonight. Cops hate me because I tell them the truth, and they know I'll outsmart them. With my brain! You should use yours — maybe you could get a real job and stop arresting people in need.

Plainclothes Security Guy: We're not arresting you, ma'am. We're just making sure that you never again trespass in a Walgreens.

Pixie-Cut Woman: I was trying not to trespass! I was trying to leave Walgreens when you stopped me!

[The cops arrive, and the pixie-cut woman's remarks devolve into shouts of "fuck," "fuckers," and "cocksuckers."]

About The Author

Alan Scherstuhl


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