Yesterday, my 15-month-old daughter and I were enjoying a lively band that was playing in an outdoor plaza near my office. As we listened, an elderly man walked up to my daughter, squatted down just a few feet away, and pointed his camera at her. I held my hand up in front of his lens and asked him what he was doing. Only then did he ask me for permission to photograph my child. I said no -- a little rudely, I'm afraid. He looked a bit shocked, but got up and walked away without saying anything more. I don't want to overreact, but I didn't know this man, or what his plans were for his photograph of my daughter. Oddly, this is the second time a complete stranger has tried to take a picture of her without asking permission. Can you offer ideas on how to respond to this in a way that says no firmly, but doesn't leave me feeling like I've hurt someone's feelings?
Mama Bear
Dear Ms. Bear,
I commend your concern for others' feelings; however, when they misbehave in a way that threatens you, you are within your rights to be stern with them. And shooting close-up photographs of strangers is, in fact, a shockingly cheeky (and conceivably very threatening) thing to do. If I were in your place, a forbidding "Excuse me, but what are you doing?" and a firm "No" would be my responses, too.
It's not impolite to point a camera at crowds or anonymous groups -- sometimes just leaving the house may lead to participation in something that ends with an appearance on the local news. But taking close-range shots, without asking permission, of people you don't know is rude. Parents have every right to refuse strangers who want to photograph their children.
Dear Social Grace,
What is the proper protocol for cell-phone use in a cab? Specifically, after greeting the driver and giving my destination, need I ask whether I might use my phone, state that I intend to use my phone, or just use it? And does this differ for incoming-versus-outgoing calls? Thanks.
Via the Internet
Dear Cab-Riding Reader,
Before I answer your letter, I'll make it clear to our readers that I'm discussing telephone conversations conducted in a normal tone of voice -- that is, no louder than you'd speak to a person sitting next to you. Such cell-phone conversations are appropriate in many places where you'd speak to a companion. But in my experience, some cell users haven't quite mastered "normal tone of voice."
I'll also add that a public phone call should be kept reasonably brief.
Now, to your question: The taxi is, far and away, my favorite form of transportation, so I generally keep quiet and enjoy the ride. Plus, I figure it's best to allow the driver to concentrate on the road. If you don't share my extreme fondness for yellow four-door sedans, however, you may use your cell phone, as outlined in previous paragraphs, in a taxi. Explaining that you will be speaking into a telephone is the right thing to do before you make your call, so as not to startle or confuse the driver, who may think you're talking to him.
Dear Social Grace,
I'm a single man in my 40s. I'm not married, nor am I in an established monogamous relationship, though I am dating several different women. I have two friends who are getting married and invited me to their wedding. Yesterday I received an e-mail from the groom requesting that, due to space issues, I come without a date. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, but it does. It seems really wrong to insist that specific people come to a celebration of partnering alone. This idea that my lack of a wife equates to dateless seems a little harsh. Of course they're swamped with wedding plans, and I don't think I can say anything except "That's fine." Any advice?
Via the Internet
Dear Unmarried Sir,
As far as etiquette is concerned, a socially unattached person (that is, neither married nor recognizably "married-equivalent") can be invited singly to a wedding -- and to lots of other places. You're correct that the best thing to do is accept the invitation as it was issued. Alternatively, you could decline to attend, with thanks and best wishes, if you don't think you can rise above your pique. My advice: Try to understand that your friends may have a limited space or budget that requires they keep the guest list to their nearest and dearest, of which you are clearly one.
Dear Social Grace,
I greatly enjoy your column; it touches on a lot of the things that I myself have been trying to instill in my friends and associates. The question I have for you though is this: Is chivalry outdated? I've been criticized for my inclinations to open doors, allow others the right of way on a crowded sidewalk, and also my just being friendly and sociable to people I pass on the street. I have always tried to be courteous toward others and their feelings, but most times, I'm just criticized for it. It just concerns me that something as simple as being polite could be called wrong. Any advice you could give concerning this would be greatly appreciated.
Thankfully,
Christopher
Dear Christopher,
Thank you for your kind letter. The short answer to your question is: no.
Employing good manners makes people like you. Being courteous should inspire criticism only from nasty people -- and frankly, who cares what they think? I don't know why you're having the problem you are, but there's a clue in the first part of your letter: It's the phrase "instill in my friends and associates." You surely know that offering unsolicited manners correction is, in itself, terribly impolite. Doing that might earn you some criticism, and rightly so.
