I'm hoping you can settle a disagreement a friend and I are having. It is a given that at a dinner party, all place settings are set the same. However, my mother -- a most well-bred and extremely courteous woman -- taught me from a young age the following: If you are throwing a dinner party using assigned seating, and you know that one of your guests is left-handed, as a "nicety" you should set that place at the table for that person [i.e., by reversing the position of the setting], as long as it can be done without crowding glasses and utensils into the next place setting. Further, she said that she most easily accomplished this by putting a left-handed person's place at one end of the table.
My friend disagrees. She says that under no circumstances should the symmetry of the table be disturbed, even as a courtesy for someone left-handed. I think that showing courtesy to a human outweighs courtesy to an inanimate plate and fork. Also, one could say that there is still a certain symmetry maintained as a left-handed setting at the foot of the table would mirror that at the head of the table. Anyway, are there any rules around this? What do you think?
Thanks,
Brendan
Dear Brendan,
A person is, of course, more important than a place setting, and the "symmetry" of a table should readily be disrupted to accommodate a person with special table needs. Where I disagree, ever so slightly, with your mother is in her idea that being left-handed requires special accommodation at dinner. Indeed, if the left-handed person eats in the "American" fashion, a normal place setting's utensils are already in a more convenient place for her than they are for her right-handed American tablemates.
That's not to say there's anything wrong with doing it your mother's way. There's nothing to stop us from putting a left-handed guest at the foot of the table if doing so makes good sense. Reversing place settings is simply unnecessary, and odd -- albeit in a darling way. In your place, however, I'd never dream of correcting my mother over so minor an issue.
Dear Social Grace,
A good friend of mine is about to get married, and the wedding is to take place in her rural hometown. So I decided to buy some things (from her online registries) so they can ship to her city address. At checkout, I was baffled by the question of gift-wrapping: To wrap or not to wrap? I must admit, I may have erred on behalf of my wallet and decided not to have the gifts wrapped, despite the knowledge that shipping boxes don't quite fit the bill. What are your thoughts on this question? I have investigated only a little and have found no answer.
Sincerely,
Unwrapped
Dear Unwrapped Madam or Sir,
It was very kind of you to send a gift, of course -- but you should have opted for wrapping paper. The minimal extra cost may have saved your friend some confusion (she may have opened your present too soon, not knowing it was a present, for example). But please don't lose any sleep over this one. As far as etiquette transgressions go, failing to properly wrap a gift is a mild tickle.
Dear Social Grace,
I've been married for three years to a wonderful man, but his family drives me nuts! They seemingly have no manners, at least by the standards with which I was raised. Any time we invite members of his family to our home, which always involves meals, we can expect they will show up with uninvited guests. We have had to divide Cornish game hens in order to have enough to go around. Recently I tried to invite two people for a special birthday dinner and ended up with eight! They all seem to think this is perfectly acceptable and my husband says it's just how it is, and he can't change them. I've tried to limit their visits to holidays so I can just plan for huge crowds and not worry about the unexpected people, but this is not always possible. Am I wrong to think that etiquette does still apply to family members? And how can I approach this problem without alienating them all or being angry at them every time it happens? Thanks for your help.
Via the Internet
Dear Madam,
Etiquette does indeed apply to family members, and bringing uninvited guests to dinner is a very impolite thing to do. If you feel you must do something about it, ask your wonderful spouse to intervene on your behalf (as a close relative, he's in a better position to help). He might, for example, discuss an invitation in these terms: "We can't wait to see you, Aunt Vivian. So, it'll just be you and Uncle Morty, right? We four are having dinner -- how nice that will be. We're going to get four delicious salmon steaks. Now, if plans change, please call to let us know. We'd hate to not have enough food. Remember that time when we had to cut game hens in half? Boy, that was quite a night." This method makes it clear that bringing uninvited guests causes problems, but it doesn't sound like a reproach.
With a very close relative, he may be able to discuss the problem more matter-of-factly. But without knowing the details of your relationship with your in-laws, I'd say it's unlikely that you'd be able to handle this directly without ruffling a feather or two -- and you probably wouldn't want to do that. (Oddly, people who misbehave socially are often very sensitive to perceived slights by others.)
In the end, I might just try to live with the fact that my wonderful spouse's family travels in packs, and plan accordingly. (It does sound as though you're already trying to make adjustments.) As far as in-law trouble goes, that doesn't sound too terrible. Unfortunately, this means that you'll be doing the hard work of self-correction, the most onerous part of etiquette. It is, however, good for the soul.
