My partner and I routinely run into friends or acquaintances at various events. Often, it's someone we haven't seen for a while, and it's good to reconnect. I'm writing to ask your advice on responding to "I haven't heard from you forever" or "Give me a call so we can catch up."
As someone who has healthy boundaries and carries through on commitments, I want to respond by saying, "Our phone number hasn't changed for 10 years; we haven't heard from you either" or "What, your phone only accepts incoming calls?" or "If you really want to get together, why don't you call us?"
I don't think it's fair for these people to put the responsibility on us, nor do I want to be the one who's always calling friends.
Via the Internet
Dear Ringing Madam or Sir,
Although I understand -- to an extent -- your pique, a sarcastic or angry response to "Give me a call" would be, in many cases, inappropriate. Sure, lots of people use the phrase as a modern-day sign-off. But like "Goodbye" (and "How are you?" and any number of other social niceties), it doesn't always mean exactly what it says.
I recommend never saying, "I'll call you," unless you intend to do so (and saying, "Call me sometime," only if you want to be called). When someone you have no intention of phoning (someone who, in addition, you believe has no intention of contacting you) says it to you, try this response: "It would be nice to catch up sometime." If you can't say that with a believable smile, say something noncommittal such as, "It was great running into you; I'll see you around."
Finally, I'll remind you that the phone is a communication tool, not a social weapon. If you want to speak with someone, then call him. If the fact that a good friend neglects to call you becomes a problem, discuss it with him. When an acquaintance behaves similarly, well, you could take the obvious hint that your silent telephone provides.
Dear Social Grace,
My partner and I are avid movie lovers, and despite the fact that the way is fraught with peril, we attend the cinema often.
I won't tire you with oft-repeated tales of people talking, cell phones ringing, people bringing crying infants into the theater, or the inhumanity of commercials before the previews.
My question pertains to a particular instance we find ourselves in. We always arrive early and select our seats, usually about a half an hour before the film is scheduled to start. As the theater fills up, often the seats on either side of us will remain empty. Invariably just as the feature presentation begins, some Johnny- or Janey-come-lately and their date asks us to move in one direction or another so they can sit together.
My inclination has been to respond, "You're late and out of luck," but my desire to not disturb the moviegoing pleasure of the folks around me always causes me to move.
Is it really right that I should have to accommodate someone who does not have the wherewithal to get to the theater on time?
Sincerely,
Assault With My Popcorn
Dear Assaulting Madam or Sir,
I implore you to improve your attitude toward the general public before you associate further with them. Or at least learn how to keep such grouchy sentiments to yourself. Frankly, there's an element of self-entitlement in your letter that I don't like very much. Please realize that this sort of cooperation with other people is a necessity when we enjoy ourselves in public venues. Asking that you move one seat to the left or right is neither an infringement on your personal rights nor an error of courtesy. Such a request, made politely, shouldn't be met with anything but "Of course." Indeed, when you see a late-arriving couple eyeing the single empty seats on either side of you and your partner, a great way to "not disturb the moviegoing" public would be to offer to scoot over without making a fuss.
Dear Social Grace,
What is the tactful way to deflect meddling questions from one's mother-in-law? My mother-in-law, with whom I have a fairly pleasant relationship overall, is constantly looking around our home and asking "How much?" about various items. My parents never ask what my husband and I do with our income. Is there a polite and respectful way to avoid telling her the price of our new sofa?
Signed,
Dutiful Daughter-in-Law
Dear Dutiful Madam,
Your dear mother-in-law means no harm, of course -- but you and I know that it is an error of etiquette to ask a person how much something costs (unless that person is trying to sell it to you). The best course of action is a subtle but firm subject change. In the main, you can respond to an unasked, more appropriate question and then ask your own question:
She: "How much did you pay for that sofa?"
You: "Mhm. We are so glad we bought it. We weren't sure about the color at first, but we like it more and more each day. We're wondering about accents, though -- orange pillows and a pink throw? Green and blue? What colors do you think would go well?"
You could also say, "Oh, that's not really important," before you begin the above. Finally, you might speak to your spouse; perhaps discussing such financial matters is common in his family. He may simply be able to explain to his mother that, in your family, these questions are considered inappropriate.
