There's something about the Hallmark Channel this time of year that soothes me. I play it in the background like Muzak. It has a nonstop cache of dozens of custom-made cornball Christmas movies with names like A Cookie Cutter Christmas that generally center around the same themes. Handsome stranger rolls through idyllic American town in wintertime. Heroine faces some sort of seasonal challenge in her life that must be overcome. They meet. They fall in love. Christmas is saved.
As fantastic as that always sounds, It occurs to me though that in many ways I find these made-for-TV Harlequin romances lacking. For real chick-flick satisfaction, they've got nothing on Lifetime movies. On Lifetime, there's always some smutty, violent twist: Woman marries Mister Perfect, he stalks and kills her. Woman has affair with her boss, he stalks and kills her. Woman is date-raped, she gathers the courage to prosecute the guy, he stalks and kills her. Good stuff. So, I thought, why not combine my two guilty pleasures — Hallmark Christmas movies with Lifetime movies? Here are some ideas that the executives might want to consider.
M.I.L.F. On The Shelf
Longtime rivals Amber (played by Heather Locklear) and Jessica (Yasmine Bleeth) used to compete in the cheerleading circuit until Amber's mom plotted unsuccessfully to have Jessica killed. Now, as grown-up single moms, the competition is even hotter when handsome single dad Ryder Bold rolls into town in his Mercedes and Jess catches his eye. Amber will go to any extreme to eliminate her rival — even as far as lacing her award-winning gingerbread with lard and bacon grease to increase its caloric content. When Jess starts to see the scale creep up she begins to suspect foul play. Can she and Ryder stalk Amber and kill her before it's too late?
O Come All Ye Unfaithful
Jennie Garth stars as Sabrina Snow, matriarch of the Pine Valley Christmas Tree dynasty. Juggling kids, a driven husband, and 100 acres of prime coniferous forest would be a challenge for any woman, but when lumberjack Mason Jarre rolls into town on his snowmobile she begins to feel a warmth she hasn't felt since that one time she leaned too close to the quaint, potbellied stove in her cozy, secluded cabin. I've got a thing "fir" you, writes Mason in a love note. I ache for your gymnosperm, she writes back. Once her husband finds out her betrayal, he stalks her and kills her.
The Twelve Dates of Rohypnol
Candace Cameron comes home for Christmas and is unwittingly swept into the web of the Advent Calendar Rapist who drugs his victims and then keeps them chained, naked, to the radiator. He then videotapes them so he can replay his sadistic game of cat and mouse over and over while they helplessly scream in horror. Eventually she breaks free and escapes, only to land in the arms of hunky rescuer Charles Ramsey who declares, "I knew something was wrong when a little bitty white girl ran to a black man's arms! It's a Christmas miracle!"
Her Secret Santa
Things are bustling in the town of Kringle Krossing, a seasonal destination that comes to life once a year around the holidays. This year's no different for Lacey Crocker (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen) who is in charge of finding the perfect Santa entourage for the parade. On top of everything else, she's also planning her wedding to the kind but boring Jake. But when she interviews little people to find the perfect elves, she finds herself inexplicably drawn to the smoldering Sam (Peter Dinklage). Will she listen to her head or her heart? And is Sam the man he says he is, or is he really a homicidal maniac bent on making her pay for all the tall women who have rejected him by methodically skinning her alive with a bowie knife and then cutting off her legs? 'Tis the season!
Some other ideas: Frostie The Emotionally Unavailable Man, The Christmas Stalking, Improperly Touched By An Angel, Whose Child Is This?, I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus, and Frankincense and Murder. God bless us, every one.
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