Get ready for a wet hot American television summer. True Detective, Orange Is The New Black, and the prequel to The Walking Dead are the most anticipated. But here's my list of great crap.
Grace of Monaco
(May 25, Lifetime)
God bless Lifetime for once again going where no one else wanted to! Grace of Monaco debuted at Cannes and got royally booed, scoring a whopping 21 on Metacritic. This turkey stars Nicole Kidman as Grace Kelly, and from the looks of the trailer she jumps from an Australian, to Irish, to American, to English accents at will. Can't wait!
The Chris Gethard Show
(May 28, Fusion)
Upright Citizens Brigade Theater alum Chris Gethard has been hosting his own public access freak show in N.Y. since 2009 and now it's coming to national TV. Well, it's coming to Fusion — which I guess is a TV network that's probably available on the 1,000-channel package from Dish. Gethard says the show is supposed to have that "early MTV talk show" feel, meaning lots of awkward spaces and people trying to be dorky-cool. My favorite thing about it is that he invites random fans to be a part of things for months at a time, sort of an fan-in-residency thing.
Aquarius (May 29,NBC)
David Duchovny is the anti-Don Draper in this detective show that revolves around the Manson cult. Yes, folks, it's time for late-'60s retro. What is notable about this show is that it is the first time NBC is getting into the game by making the entire series available to stream at once. Sadly, it doesn't do as good a job channeling 1967 as Mad Men did — the styling looks more like circa-2015 hipsters. Not so groovy.
Serial Thriller
(June 7, ID)
If you are an Investigation Discovery fan and a serial killer geek then this three-day miniseries is for you. This is the first time ID has done a scripted show, although the plot is based on an actual case in the Pacific Northwest. It won't say which because armchair detectives such as you or I are supposed to figure it out slowly as the show unfolds. (I'm thinking Green River Killer....)
Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell
(June 13, BBC America)
This was a great book, so I'm hoping the seven-part series produced by the BBC is just as good. The story revolves around dueling magicians in the Industrial Revolution in England. And by "magicians," I mean they can work real magic, conjure fairies, and generally wake the dead.
Million Dollar Listing San Francisco
(July 8, Bravo)
I wouldn't normally note a show like this, but here's your chance to see all the douchebags who are pushing the gentle folk out of our fair city.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
(July 22, Syfy)
Fun facts: A shark cannot swim backwards, and the Syfy channel cannot stop producing Sharknado sequels. Why am I mentioning it? Because this one stars David Hasselhoff and bitchface Ann-freakin'-Coulter. Yeah! God, I hope she gets chomped.
Bachelor in Paradise
(Aug. 2, ABC)
Also known as Twatnado: Oh Hell Yeah!, BIP was actually pretty kickass the first time around and I can't wait for this new installment. Just when everyone is paired up and liquored up on a tropical beach, in drops another ex-castmember to cuckold or slut his or her way to the finale. If you were disappointed in Bachelor Pad — and who among us wasn't? — then give this spinoff a try.
Mr. Robinson
(Aug. 5, NBC)
The awesome Craig Robinson (The Office, Hot Tub Time Machine) stars in this show about a middle school music teacher. So far, NBC has only ordered six episodes, so the network doesn't seem to have much faith in it, but I will watch anything that Robinson is in, even a — gulp — sitcom.
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