Nice job this week ["The Misanthrope," July 16]. It's good to see some good "tough love" in an etiquette column. In my own experience I have often found that behaving courteously messes with the very people who are behaving most rudely: When someone is clearly put off by, say, having to do their job and serve you some coffee, a big smile and a "Thank you so much" is something that they a) are unprepared for and b) don't quite know how to react to (since they know they didn't deserve this gracious behavior). That, in itself, can be reason to be polite in the face of utter rudeness.
But, courtesy for revenge is not something that you approve of, if I'm not mistaken.
A Courteous Avenger
P.S. I also politely say "no thank you" to people who ask me for change, especially kids in the Haight (I say "politely" to make clear that I don't say it with a sarcastic sneer). When pressed for justification for this (usually by an associate, not the asker) I explain that they are providing me the opportunity to increase my karma and feel good about helping someone out, and I am politely denying the offer. Is that wrong?
Dear Avenging Madam or Sir,
Thank you for your kind letter. I promise not to concern myself too fervently with your motives for being courteous to curt coffee servers. Revenge is undeniably sweet, yes, and teaching by example is the best way to help strangers improve their manners, but being a nice, polite person is its own reward. However, I'll add a caveat: I absolutely detest the use of polite language in a sarcastic manner (for example, the loud, peevish "Excuse me" used to alert someone to the fact that he's blocking a bus' aisle). Please make sure that your "Thank you so much" doesn't contain any trace of sarcasm, which would defeat your purported purpose.
I add this warning because, despite your claim to the contrary, I detect the reek of ridicule in your letter's postscript. Your response could work, I guess, in an imaginable situation -- if, for example, someone had asked you for change expressly so that you could improve your karma.
That sounds fairly unlikely. So a "No, thank you" response to a plea for spare change almost certainly sounds -- no matter how friendly your tone of voice -- at least odd, if not mocking or even blatantly cruel. I can't imagine you'd reply this way to other requests from strangers (i.e., "Do you have the time?"). Oh, you could explain your rationale to each panhandler you spoke to, but to a hungry, tired, chilly, homeless person, that reasoning would probably sound smugly insulting. (There's some more of that "tough love" you enjoy. My intent is, as always, instructive.) If you're going to hold on to your change, why not just say, "I'm sorry, no"? Then you can feel better about yourself for treating people -- even "kids in the Haight" -- respectfully and forthrightly. In karmic terms, that surely counts for something.
Dear Social Grace,
What kind of an acknowledgment should you give when you receive a thank-you letter? For example, yesterday I received an e-card from some of my co-workers in the field, thanking me for assisting them over the past few months. Somehow it seems weird to send a thank you for a thank you, but it seems like I should do something. This has happened to me several times and I'm never quite sure what to do. Do you have any thoughts?
Thanks in advance for your help.
Barbara Jones
Dear Ms. Jones,
You needn't send a thank-you note in response to a thank-you note -- thus setting off what could become an endless, self-perpetuating cycle of gratitude. But it's not incorrect. If you receive a particularly lovely or thoughtful thank-you letter and are moved to respond in kind, go ahead and do so.
That said, it is proper to acknowledge such an expression of gratitude, even though I wouldn't ask you to write a letter solely for that purpose. In a work environment, the next time you speak with (or e-mail) any or all of the co-workers involved, you could mention it: "I got your lovely thank-you card. I'm so glad I could help."
Dear Social Grace,
My best friend constantly pulls her phone out at a restaurant, in the middle of dinner, and right there at the table places a call on her cell phone. Usually these calls are to her boyfriend or to other friends that we might be meeting later in the evening, and they don't last long, but they are not emergencies, by any means. I think it's horribly rude of her, because it's basically ignoring me. I've suggested that she not behave that way, but she continues to do it. How should I handle this situation?
Chatty Cathy's Friend
Dear Ignored Madam or Sir,
Well, for heaven's sake. You could tell her again that she's hurting your feelings. You could gently remind her to turn off her phone as you're entering the restaurant. You could even show her this column. Here you go: People who use their cell phones to carry on chitchatty conversations while dining look, to those around them, not only rude but also silly, superficial, and hungry for attention. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
If all that doesn't work, try some tough love of your own. Don't allow friends to treat you too rudely. (Or if you do, don't complain about it. Friendship often involves compromises.) The next time she whips out her cell phone, excuse yourself from the table -- take a leisurely trip to the restroom or stop by the pay phones to make your own call (cell phones are best used in the part of a restaurant where the public phones reside). Or pay your portion of the check and ask your food server whether you can finish your meal at the bar or take it home. If Chatty Cathy is behaving like a person who needs to be alone -- and by your account, that's just what she's doing -- then leave her alone.
