I am an Asian male who has been educated in both Asian and American etiquette ways. But I have always found one problem with one of the rules that seems to annoy non-Asians: slurping our noodles. In Asian cultures, we are encouraged to slurp our noodles to signify to the chef that the noodles are delicious, while in American etiquette, this would be rude. When we do it in Asian restaurants, the non-Asians seem to be very annoyed with it, and we in turn do it more discreetly. How can we let them know that it is all right? I am quite torn in the approach of things.
Sincerely,
C.C.
Dear C.C.,
As you already know, whether to slurp your noodles is a choice you can make based on your environment. Modern diners face many such complex scenarios and thorny questions.
You seem to understand the difference between what I'll call the general North American style of enjoying delicious noodles and an Asian style. And although everyone should try to prepare a bit before entering an unfamiliar dining environment, we should also be understanding of others' differences and forgiving of any slip-ups caused by ignorance of an etiquette fine point.
At some tables (say, at a formal dinner in a non-Asian household), you would do well to eat your European-style noodles without slurping. But any Asian who did slurp because he was unfamiliar with that custom would not have committed a horrible breach of good etiquette. (Table manners are considered especially bad when they willfully disrespect others -- which wouldn't apply here.) Similarly, when you are enjoying Asian-style noodles at an Asian restaurant, slurping is quite appropriate. If other diners prefer not to slurp, well, we'll leave them to their quieter enjoyment. Perhaps they don't know any better; perhaps they are uncomfortable slurping. It shouldn't concern you.
The way you eat your soup is none of their business. If they are "annoyed," surely it is a very minor annoyance. And it is not your place to educate them on the matter.
Dear Social Grace,
I work in a high-end retail boutique, and all of our clothing is quite delicate and dry-clean only. My problem is a woman who stops in often to try on clothing (never buying anything), and her very strong, very unpleasant body odor. Is there any way the store can tactfully request that she doesn't try on things she doesn't intend to purchase? She is costing the store quite a bit of money in dry cleaning.
Sincerely,
E.
Dear E.,
I'm sorry to say that etiquette columnists don't have a secret, miraculously polite way to tell a person that she has an offensive smell -- and that's a pity, because I'm asked this question surprisingly often. If said noisome person is your significant other, for example, you at least have the etiquette "right of way" to bring it up (although I still can't promise an easy conversation). But a customer in your store? Any way you say it, it will be extremely difficult, if not horribly improper.
Now, a private business may refuse service to a customer for damaging the store's property. In your case, this will likely be an unpleasant task (if not downright hurtful). You might first try: "I'm sorry, madam, but because many items have had to be cleaned after being tried on several times, the management has requested that our regular customers help us out by trying on only clothes they're seriously considering purchasing."
From there, the options become even less appealing. Consider how much money the store might lose if this woman raised a stink about being refused service -- if her friends, their friends, and their friends avoided your store because they'd heard that the ghastly clerks tell customers they smell. I mean, the poor woman may have a medical condition that causes the odor.
If the cost of cleaning your expensive, delicate clothes is the issue here, you could perhaps invest in some sleeved, thin-cotton undergarments. When this woman is interested in an item, explain to her that because of its delicate fabric, you'd like her to try it on over a clean slip (as shoe stores ask that you wear socks to try on shoes). This will surely reduce your dry-cleaning bill -- and perhaps take some of the fun out of playing dress-up in your dressing rooms.
Dear Social Grace,
What is the proper way of addressing a letter to a couple when the wife is a doctor and the husband is not?
Via the Internet
Dear Well-Addressed Madam or Sir,
If she uses the title "Dr." socially, then her name would come first on the envelope, like so: "Dr. Lulu Stein and Mr. Jonathan Stein." (Highly formal addressing etiquette would have you spell out "Doctor," but you don't see that very often anymore.)
Nowadays, few of us have occasion to follow these formal rules of envelope addressing (it comes up around weddings, mostly); indeed, these are very fine points. But for reasons I don't understand, many people with little concern for etiquette in other areas are wildly anxious to get their envelopes just right.
As far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly acceptable to bend envelope rules to suit reality. Most of us know plenty of pairs who are not married but who merit social treatment as a committed couple, for example (traditional etiquette asks that only married folk be put on the same line with an "and"; unmarried people have their names on separate lines, with no conjunction). And when you're writing to friends and family -- people you'd never address as "Mr." or "Mrs." -- you can probably do away with formal titles altogether.
