Last week, an independent report found that the San Francisco school district is frequently failing to hire the most qualified teachers. What can the district do better?
• Install full bar in the faculty lounge
• Return job applicants' phone calls
• Let teachers teach in the neighborhood where they live
• Crack down on the bands of angry former JROTC students roaming the halls
• Stop asking prospective teachers, "Would you kill for us? Would you be any good at it?"
• Change district slogan from "Where Liberal Compassion Runs Amok" to almost anything else
• Stop using teacher résumés as reading exercises
• Cancel the successful "Principal for a Day" program for gang leaders
• Make the "Are You Progressive Enough?" series of teacher trainings optional
• Let chemistry teachers sell anything they make in the lab
• Take the words "survival of the fittest" out of the district's mission statement
• Allow teachers to take Columbus Day off — but only if they sign a form pledging to feel guilty all day
• Forget the waste of time that is teaching Machiavelli, Hobbes, and Lord of the Flies. Just take kids on a field trip to City Hall
• Make sure to hire English instructors who speak real good
• Offer stock options
