Get SF Weekly Newsletters
Pin It

How dangerous is Al Qaeda in America? 

A public service message brought to you by the U.S. Justice Department, SF Weekly, and other patriots

Wednesday, Jul 3 2002







ecently, you may have read or heard about the case of Jose Padilla, a young American who rose through the management ranks at Taco Bell and was later captured for conspiring with al Qaeda.After our diligent Government agents arrested Mr.Padilla for being an enemy combatant and detained him indefinitely, some people foolishly and dangerously attempted to argue that people like Mr.Padilla deserve things like “rights ” and “due process.” These people ask irrelevant and distressing questions like, “When will he get a fair trial?” To which we, the co-authors of this pamphlet, say: We ’ll get around to it soon enough! These same critics argue that our Government ’s approach to finding terrorists seems random. Some people get trials, some don ’t; some arrests are based on strong evidence, others not. Does this mean the Government doesn ’t know what it ’s doing? As members of our youth culture like to say: Whatever! We ’ll root out terrorism wherever we find it. After all, are you sure you ’re not a terrorist? We ’re not! Why is all this important to San Francisco? Things are not as pleasant as they seem here in the city by the bay! Behind the sourdough curtain lurks a haven of evildoers —al Qaeda terrorists maybe, or at the very least people who are up to no good, or look like they might be.People taking advantage of our warm weather and diversity to cloak their evildoings. We need your help to stomp out these people and get them locked up as enemy combatants. And to the critics: Grow up, San Francisco! Some people don ’t deserve the U.S.Constitution! Let the information in this guide help you uncover the danger in our midst.


These people look just like ordinary folks going about their business on a typical day in San Francisco.But there are many clues in these photos suggesting that these people ought to be arrested immediately and held indefinitely.Take a look.


“Oh,my,yes,I think it ’s a very serious problem. Just yesterday, there were two ruffians in front of my apartment building. They were smoking and had matching jeans —blue. I ’m not sure what they were up to, but I ’m sure it was something.”

“It ’s here, totally. This guy I know? He reads newspapers? He ’s always talking about how weird it is that the president said he wouldn ’t arrest U.S.citizens without trial and that like, now, he is. Totally questioning the president. I ’m all like, ‘Chill, dude.’ But he ’s all on about it. I don ’t think he likes the government, and we should totally arrest him. Want his address?”


“We ’re on the lookout for all entities, groups, or individuals who are alleged to advise, teach, or advocate the overthrow by force or violence of the government of the United States. This includes low-level gang members and former Taco Bell employees.”


Al Qaeda subversives aren ’t easy to find. That sharp-l ooking fella or comely dame down the street could be passing along information on ydrogen bombs! But listen carefully ... if you hear people say things like this, they might be subverting American values:

“Hey,wait! Where are you taking me?”

“Fries with that?”


“Does this cable car go to Fisherman ’s Wharf?”

“That ‘Proud to Be an American ’song is really annoying.”

“In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation;to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.”


We don ’t know for sure if the following three celebrities are al Qaeda, but they sure seem shifty to us! Their wealth, good looks,and kindly manner might put your mind at ease ...but look closer:

Barry Bonds
Quick-tempered. Strong.Moody.A definite threat to do damage!
Danielle Steel
This published author has a large mansion with more than two dozen parking spaces. What ’s she really doing in there?
Willie Brown
Once a legislative leader for the whole state of California, he curiously avoided bigger ambitions to instead rule over the state ’s third-largest city. An aging politician in decline ...or a dangerous man focusing his power?

About The Author

Mark Athitakis


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"