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House Of Tudor 

The moon, "Dark Sparkle," Amazing Embarrassonics, "Guy's Eggnog Giveaway," and "Night of Naughty Santa"

Wednesday, Dec 22 1999
Not that I'm generally a big follower of such things, but this Wednesday is not only the winter solstice, it is the night on which the moon is closest to the Earth all year, and the first full moon to fall during this particular night in our lifetime (I don't care how old you are). We're talking really big, really close, and really unlikely to happen again unless you are a believer in cryogenics. If you can't get beyond city lights, I suggest at least taking a 40-ouncer to the top of Twin Peaks on Wednesday, Dec. 22, around 5:20 p.m.

After howling at the moon and pissing on your shoes (as is the custom where I come from), slink over to "Dark Sparkle" -- which alternates weekly with the equally Cimmerian "Horror Show" -- where Suffering Is Hip co-editor Elizabeth Myrddin and the ever-shadowy Margot present a refined combination of goth, deathrock, glam, and new romantic for tragic femmes fatales and their pouting companions. Black feather boas, silk gloves, and Campari are in tall order on Wednesday, Dec. 22, at Cafe Du Nord at 10 p.m. Tickets are $3; call 861-5016.

It might be tough for the casual observer to determine just how many people are in the Amazing Embarrassonics. Sure, there's guitar, bass, and drums, but what about that short guy who sings at least four songs at every gig, and that big-mouthed chick who always seems to be lurking in the wings? Being the "human karaoke machine" means the Embarrassonics' fans are essentially band members. And if you think music fans are weird and karaoke fans are weirder, you haven't seen nothing. Adding holiday tunes to their already extensive repertoire (everything from Violent Femmes to Ted Nugent), the group promises some other timely temptations (flying reindeer, star-spangled headdresses, little piles of snow, and homemade "cookies" were mentioned but not promised) on Thursday, Dec. 23, at "Stinky's" at the CW Saloon with Sex Presleys opening at 9:30 p.m. and a really frightening peep show titled "Santa's Coming." Tickets are $5; call 974-1585.

Since the sale of the historic Hotel Utah is looming in the not-so-distant future, this year might see the end of a much-appreciated Christmas Eve comfort: "Guy's Eggnog Giveaway." The tradition, which began many years ago, puts manager/booker/all-around-gent Guy Carson behind the bar in a bright red Santa hat, from whence he dishes up creamy mugs of boozy sweetness for all his friends, for free. Good cheer and good drunkenness is had by all. This year, the nog may be bittersweet and the bar top may be stained with the salt of 92 years of tears, but what are the holidays for if not friends, family, and remorse? Join Guy at Hotel Utah on Friday, Dec. 24, around 6 p.m. Admission is free; call 421-8308.

For all those crinkle-nosed Kringles who read about the Cheap Suit Santas in Night Crawler (Dec. 8) and still have no idea what I was prattling about, and for all those who regret having missed such delightfully festive blasphemy, there is one final schnapps-breathed "Ho!" before Western civilization lurches into the gape-mouthed Ought years. Ideas in Animation's "Night of Naughty Santa" asks you to relive moments of furious foolishness during the Portland Santarchy of 1996 with Scott Beale's evidentiary You Better Watch Out; join Nik Phelps and the fabulous Sprocket Ensemble during their specially composed "Naughty Santa Stomp"; chortle over the gift that is public transportation with Aflonso Alvarez's "flip-film" on Muni; imagine you just ate a goose with psilocybin stuffing during Devon Demonte's Chromocycle; and feel the effects of a white Christmas with William Z. Richards' very cool 1:85. As always, live musical scores and live-action fun enrich your viewing experience, and Santa attire is highly encouraged. Note: If you've never worn a Santa suit you don't know what you're missing; there's a white-haired roly-poly drunk guy in us all and he can get away with almost anything. (This is a supportive, low-impact environment for first-time Santas.) "Night of Naughty Santa" will be held on Monday, Dec. 27, at the Red Vic Movie House at 7:30 and 9:30 p.m. Tickets are $10, $8 with reindeer; call 668-3994.

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Silke Tudor


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