"To be alone in winter is death!," wails the beautiful, doomed Mimi in Puccini's opera La Bohéme, just two acts before consumption drains the life out of her. And that's why we send Christmas mixtapes.
Nobody likes feeling alone at the best of times, and sometimes the holidays, with their forced cheer and huge bills, can be the very worst of times. Love, hate, happiness, or humor — why say it with a card when you can say it with a playlist? For a party-pleasing mix, stick with the Golden Age of Christmas Music, which is anything made between 0 and 1970 AD — anything after is painfully tongue-in-cheek. Scattered throughout this issue we offer some options for nearly every holiday occasion.
For That Racist Cousin
"Feliz Navidad," José Feliciano
"Christmas Eve," Tatsuro Yamashita
"Hanukkah Snowman," Phranc
"Happy Kwanzaa," Teddy Pendergrass
"Santa Claus is a Black Man," Akim and Teddy Van
Too Hot for Baby Jesus (Adult Jesus admitted With Valid ID)
"Santa Claus (Got Stuck in My Chimney)," Ella Fitzgerald
"Dear Santa (Bring Me a Man This Christmas)," The Weather Girls
"Christmas Tree," Lady Gaga
"Santa Claus Needs Some Lovin'" Albert King
"Back Door Santa," Clarence Carter
Rainbow Christmas
"It Really Is a Wonderful Life," The Indigo Girls
"My First Xmas as a Woman," The Vandals
"Homo Christmas," Pansy Division
"Silent Dyke," Venus Envy
"Coming Out for Christmas," San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus
From Christmas to Armageddon
"Don't Believe in Christmas," The Sonics
"Stripper Christmas Summer Weekend," GWAR
"Christmas Night of the Living Dead," MxPx
"Christmas With the Devil," Spinal Tap
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," Dio with Tony Iommi
You Have Nobody This Christmas and Will Probably Die Alone
"Just a Lonely Christmas," The Moonglows
"Another Lonely Christmas," Prince
"What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?," The Emotions
"Lonely Christmas Call," George Jones
"Call Collect on Christmas," Del McCoury
You Negligent Monster
"Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas," John Denver
"A Junky's Christmas," William S. Burroughs
"Christmas Eve Can Kill You," The Everly Brothers
"Santa Got a DWI," Sherwin Linton
"Christmas In Jail," The Youngsters
Giving Props to Jesus with Zero Irony
"O Holy Child," Dusty Springfield
"Oi to the World," The Vandals
"Child of God," Bobby Darin
"O Come, All Ye Faithful," Mahalia Jackson
"Children Go Where I Send Thee," San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus
Please Don't Gentrify Me
"Someday at Christmas," Stevie Wonder
"Santa Claus, Go Straight To the Ghetto," James Brown
"¿Mamacita, Dónde Está Santa Claus?," Augie Rios
"The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot," Nat King Cole
"Christmas Tears," Freddy King
I'm Going to Gentrify You and Build Luxury Condos on Your Grave
"Green Chri$tma$," Stan Freberg
"¿Mamacita, Dónde Está Santa Claus?," Guster
"Ríu Ríu Chíu," The Monkees
"Feliz Navidad," Boney M
"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," Andy Williams
Snuggling by the Fire ... or Space Heater
"Baby It's Cold Outside," Rufus Wainwright
"Warm December," Julie London
"It Won't Cool Off," Dean Martin
"Merry Christmas Baby," Otis Redding
"All I Want for Christmas is You," Mariah Carey
Drunk on Eggnog, You Crank the Volume
"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)," The Ramones
"White Christmas," Stiff Little Fingers
"Grandpa's Last X-Mas," The Vandals
"Merry Christmas," Wesley Willis
"Fuck Christmas," Fear
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