I would like your opinion on a situation I recently found myself in. My boyfriend and I were having lunch in a waterfront restaurant. Only one other table was occupied. (My back was to this table.) My boyfriend threw a piece of bread into the water to feed the birds. I asked him not to, as it would only attract more birds. I love animals, but I don't want a bird that carries disease, fleas, and who knows what else hovering over my salad. I made a comment to the effect that many restaurants on the water have signs asking patrons not to feed the birds for this very reason.
A short time later, someone at the other table began feeding the gulls, and we found ourselves with a swarm. My boyfriend said to just let it go.
After he finished eating, he got up to use the restroom, and the people at the other table were apparently done eating, too, so they were really throwing a lot of food into the water. It was very close to my table and there were at least 25 sea gulls swooping down to feast. I asked the waitress to ask them to stop, and she did. They then proceeded to throw food as close to me as they possibly could without it actually landing on my plate and me being charged for it.
When my boyfriend returned from the restroom, I explained what had happened when he was gone. He told me that it was my fault, that I should have said nothing, and that I was just being "bitchy" by complaining. Needless to say, it was a tense, quiet afternoon.
His contention is that there were no signs saying not to feed the birds, so who am I to ask them not to? Mine is that even if there are no signs, that most people with the sense God gave a goose would know better, and that even if they didn't, once this was pointed out to them, the mature response would have been along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was bothering you," and to have stopped. In my opinion, their reaction was akin to blowing cigarette smoke into the face of someone who'd asked you not to smoke.
Sincerely,
Bird Dodger
Dear Bird-Dodging Madam or Sir,
Etiquette asks that we make a (sometimes difficult) distinction when dealing with other people's bothersome behavior: Some behavior is dangerous or inappropriate and truly infringes upon our rights. And some behavior is simply annoying or irritating to us personally. When one encounters the second type, the best thing to do is think happy thoughts and try to ignore it. Other people are occasionally annoying -- it's a sad fact of life.
The birds you encountered perch inelegantly on the dividing line between the two types of behavior. You have a right to a sanitary Caesar salad free of bird schmutz. Then again, the restaurant did not expressly forbid feeding the gulls.
The fact that your food server did not say to you, in effect, "I'm sorry, but we encourage our guests to feed the birds on the terrace," seems to indicate that the appropriate rules of conduct were on your side, and that feeding the birds was, indeed, true misbehavior. You weren't wrong -- or "bitchy" (to use a word that smart boyfriends never, ever use to describe their partners!) -- to ask that it stop. As long as you do it in a polite way, asking someone to cease a dangerous or inappropriate activity is your right (and your responsibility). And asking the server to intervene on your behalf is, indeed, polite. These diners' response was extremely unpleasant.
The unasked question is, What do you do when you encounter bullies like this? The tack I suggest may seem counterintuitive, but it works, is broadly applicable and easy to remember, and leaves you with your dignity: First, turn to ice. The jerk should become invisible to you (although a brief, frosty glare is permissible). When you ignore a bully, you ruin his day -- he's trying to get you riled up. He wants a fight. Second, seek out the person in charge. You probably can't control the behavior of someone who, for example, doesn't mind throwing food at strangers in a restaurant. But bullies are afraid of the law -- even if that "law" is a restaurant manager, who can either deal with miscreants (by asking them to leave) or compensate you (at least by moving you to another table). And you win.
Dear Social Grace,
I am curious if there is a proper way to eat Cornish game hen. They are so small and there are so many bones I feel like I'm making a mess and looking barbaric when I try to use a fork and knife. I'm sure there is a proper way to dissect this little bird, but I don't know what it is.
Thank you,
Chris
Dear Chris,
First, a word of advice to all you hosts and hostesses: Serve small birds to your dinner guests and they may leave your table feeling as if a cruel trick had been played on them. If you're entertaining people you don't know very well, don't cook Cornish game hen.
Second, if you're dining at a restaurant with new friends and you're afraid of looking barbaric or making a mess, order something else.
Finally, the proper way to eat small, whole birds is to first consume as much as you can with your knife and fork; thereafter, you may pick up the small bones with your fingers to finish eating.
