My boyfriend and I travel to New York and Los Angeles a lot, and we see famous people every now and again. For example, we've seen Molly Ringwald buying cookies at a little market, Sean Penn with his kids in an airport gift shop, and so on. When this happened, my boyfriend has restrained me from going over and getting a closer look and/or an autograph. I mean to say that I feel like I need to know: What kind of cookies does Molly Ringwald prefer? I think his whole "so what" attitude has got to do with the fact that he's from New York, so celebrities don't seem like a big deal to him, but I am from Wisconsin! Is it an invasion of privacy to politely and quietly ask a celebrity for an autograph, or would it be the more proper thing to do to just ignore him or her?
Sincerely,
Stargazing
Dear Stargazing Madam or Sir,
I do sympathize with Ms. Ringwald here -- I think I'd find it rather disagreeable to have my tastes in corner-market cookies become the subject of public speculation. But autograph seekers are a well-known aspect of fame, and people who cultivate fame should be prepared to deal with well-behaved (as you put it, polite and quiet) fans. In the situation you describe, it would not have been impolite to pay Ms. Ringwald a quick compliment and ask for her autograph (and then thank her and let her get on with her life). Don't make your scrutiny of her cookies too noticeable. And of course, she has the right to say no, an answer you would have to accept graciously. (Wouldn't you hate to be held up if you were, for example, dashing to the store to get a snack, with mere minutes to spare before American Idol began?)
But as much as celebrities are of interest to the public, they are not, of course, the property of the public. It's not nice to accost strangers when they're obviously otherwise engaged. A movie actor busy looking after young children, a "regular person" famous because a tragedy has recently befallen her, a musician enjoying a quiet dinner with friends at a restaurant -- these people should not be disturbed for the sake of satisfying curiosity. And your boyfriend does have a point that many New Yorkers will agree with: Autograph collecting can make a person look sort of, well, uncool. You can decide for yourself whether this matters to you.
Dear Social Grace,
I was standing at a crosswalk. My light turned green, so I stepped into the crosswalk, directly in front of a car that was edging forward so it could turn right as soon as I'd moved clear. After I had moved clear, this car's driver exclaimed in an evil sarcastic tone, "You're welcome," presumably because I had not given her the "thank-you" wave that is normal when someone grants you the right of way. Since I had the right of way by law, I did not think the thank-you wave was necessary. Should I have thank-you waved at this driver?
Stephen
Dear Stephen,
Upon reading your story, what came to my mind was another hand gesture altogether. Thank goodness you and I are above that sort of thing. You're right that the wave is a good response when a driver grants an automotive favor; it's not necessary every time we cross the street. And it can't be demanded. Gratitude is like that.
Dear Social Grace,
I was rereading some of your old columns on SF Weekly's site, and I came across one in which you say that "ancient Romans ... had ideas about how much to tip a prostitute" ["Service With a Grimace," Oct. 10, 2001]. I couldn't help wondering, how much should you tip a prostitute nowadays?
Via the Internet
Dear Archival Madam or Sir,
When you're in any unfamiliar tipping territory -- as I admit I am when the conversation turns to sex workers (which many non-ancient Romans in this business prefer to be called) -- you can and should ask whether tipping is appropriate, and if it is, how much is standard. To find the answer to your particular question, you might make a phone call to any number of perfectly legal establishments -- in Nevada, for example. That's what I did today. (See -- it's not all teacups and silver polish here at Social Grace Inc.) The answer is that the amount varies widely, depending on all sorts of variables that I won't go into here (otherwise, I'll have to get out the smelling salts for Mother Grace, who'd really prefer that I didn't discuss this sort of thing at all), and the customer has a bit more room to decide than a customer in a restaurant, for example. I invite you to do your own research. You shouldn't have to look too far, with the Internet at your fingertips.
