My wife and I celebrated our anniversary [recently], and we ate out at one of our favorite restaurants. It's very small and intimate, and the tables are close together, and just when our wine was being poured, a couple of older women were seated next to us. They struck up a conversation with us and began a friendly chat. No harm done, but this friendly chat kept going and going and going. We didn't want to be rude, but [my wife and I] were basically out to talk to each other, not to some strangers from out of town. We even tried physically turning away from them in our chairs as much as we could, but one of them actually tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention back. What's the polite way to basically say, "Would you mind shutting your cake hole so I can talk to my wife?"
Sincerely,
Jon Kalla
Dear Mr. Kalla,
The phrase you were looking for is, "Well, enjoy your dinner," which should be said with a big smile. For emphasis (or if the conversation has been lengthy), you can add, "It's been nice talking with you." Optimally, you would then turn to your wife and begin speaking Finnish (I know one couple who took a rare-language class together for just this reason, and they say it had the added benefit of being a very rewarding activity). Or you could just begin a private conversation, say, about a friend. You could even make someone up -- I know another couple who use mundane discussions about the imaginary "Fiona" to fill conversational gaps that might otherwise be filled by unwanted chatterers.
If a stranger persists in an obnoxious manner thereafter, you needn't keep speaking with him. A noncommittal "Mhm" or "I don't know" should frustrate even hard-core talkers.
It is important, though, in places like intimate restaurants, to be open to at least a short exchange of pleasantries (or even eye contact and a smile), as you were here. Humans are social creatures, and the power of a smile and a friendly word is a truism I'm sure I don't have to expound on here.
Dear Social Grace,
I read your column pretty much every week, and I've been waiting for you to touch on a very basic thing about table manners. Perhaps I've missed it, but what is the truth about elbows on the table? Is it a myth that elbows can't be rested on the table, or is this really something that I should never do? I don't think I've ever eaten with someone who hasn't put his or her elbows on the table.
Thank you,
Elbow-Room
Dear Roomy Madam or Sir,
It has, in fact, been years since anyone has brought elbows to this particular table. Most of us have been instructed about the "no elbows on tables" rule at some point in our childhood -- if not by our parents then by the sort of relative whose living room was decorated with lace doilies and Hummel figurines. Now, when I was a child, these were my favorite relatives to visit, but I'm unusual that way; the rule is, in large part, not one that sensible adults have to follow. When you're eating, elbows on the table become impractical, if not impossible, but between courses you may rest your elbows or forearms on the table if that is comfortable and natural for you.
The reason behind the "no elbows" rule is more important than the rule itself. My dear Aunt Vivian wanted me to keep my elbows off the table so that I would learn to sit up straight and hold my silverware correctly. She wanted me to avoid resting my chin in my hands (always impolite, because it makes you look bored or slouchy), fidgeting with utensils and napkins (impolite because it makes you look impatient or a little bit crazy), and -- the worst -- playing with my hair (just plain unsanitary). I can't go to a restaurant without seeing perfectly lovely, well-dressed young people flipping and flinging their hair about with wild abandon, making it hard for everyone around them to enjoy their dinners. You must not groom yourself or even touch your hair at the table: Aunt Vivian would have had you sitting on your hands right through dessert.
Dear Social Grace,
Here's my problem: I know that you're supposed to put your napkin in your lap when you sit down at the table. But what about in restaurants with silverware on a table that was just wiped down by the busboy's dishrag? If I put my napkin in my lap right when I sit down, I have to set my silverware on the table, which could have germs on it. Is the napkin rule suspended in such a case?
Thank you,
Napkin Neatnik
Dear Neat Madam or Sir,
Etiquette wants you to have good table manners, but it doesn't want you to expose yourself unnecessarily to unpleasant germs. I, too, dislike having my silverware touch a table that lacks a clean place mat or tablecloth. In such a place (and if we're dealing with paper napkins on a dishrag-wiped table, we can safely assume that we're talking about an informal dining experience), you may either ask your food server for a second napkin or simply wait for your food to arrive before putting your napkin in your lap.
