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Department of What the Fuck? 

James Brown is the Godfather of Soul. Also: hot pants.

Wednesday, Jan 11 2006
Even people who haven't been born yet know that James Brown is the Godfather of Soul. It's an undisputable truth, like pork chops and applesauce desperately needing each other, or Styx totally ruling the arena-rock universe for all time. What most people aren't aware of, however, is that Mr. Brown reigns over various other fields, too (he is hardworking, after all). Indeed, here are some things you probably didn't know James Brown is the Godfather of:

James Brown, Godfather of Sweat

Every time he performs "Cold Sweat," Brown drips copious puddles of perspiration, and last year he realized he could supplement his ample fortune by bottling and selling the stuff. Too many bitches had drunk the milk without buying the cow, so to speak. No more, for Brown Sweat, in partnership with the Coca-Cola Co., will soon debut on grocery shelves nationwide.

James Brown, Godfather of Hot Pants

Jessica Simpson may have recently brought back Daisy Dukes (aka ass-crack booty slut shorts), but even Simpson has to step off and bow down before the man who came some 30-odd years earlier. Brown sang about his "Hot Pants," but people didn't seem to know how serious he was at the time. But trust us: James Brown's pants are so hot, even Satan would have to snort big old gackers of ice in order to wear them. You don't have to fuck like Paris Hilton to say, "That's hot."

James Brown, Godfather of Diction

What's happening, mush mouth? Spit out those marbles and procure a copy of Brown's best-selling audio books on speaking properly, used by intensive language academies the world over. (We've personally seen Army recruits at Monterey's Defense Language Institute attempt crash courses in Brownese. Not pretty.) His crystal-clear diction, honed from years of being good to his voice and nourishing his body with pickled pigs' feet, has never been given the innovative credit that it deserves. Who could forget such eloquent truisms as "Ubba mah deeby dabba d'oh!"

James Brown, Godfather of Reality (TV)

Brown told us "I'm Real" a long time ago, but it wasn't until the '80s that we learned just how real. In 1988, he threatened people with a gun and embarked on a high-speed chase that crossed state lines before it was through, a move that spawned countless reality TV programs about drug-crazed perpetrators on the run. You think Nick Nolte and Rip Torn take fucked-up mug shots? Clearly you haven't seen the Godfather in action: Think Don King on a bender then run over a few times.

James Brown, Godfather of Sex Machines

After his success with 1970's "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine," Brown took it a step further and pioneered the world's first self-contained underwater screwing apparatus. Initially made of twine and muslin crafted into a series of ingenious levers and pulleys, newer models boast Space Age polymer plastic, interchangeable parts, and are powered by used veggie oil. Yes, folks, when Brown tells someone to go fuck himself, he can also provide the means for him to do so. Rumors speak of him unveiling a new triple-penetration special for 2006. Also, his vibrators are top notch.

About The Author

Tamara Palmer


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