Gavin Newsom's proposal requiring all San Francisco residents to recycle and compost their trash is being signed into law. What do you need to know about the new regulations?
• Trash day just became hell for the colorblind.
• Homeowners will be assumed guilty until proven innocent.
• Fines will be levied against anyone throwing out "Newsom for Governor" material.
• The amount of paperwork used to levy fines will actually exceed the amount of paper recycled under the new ordinance.
• If you don't know whether an item is recyclable, call 311, whose operators will give you the number of someone who also doesn't know.
• In conjunction with Healthy San Francisco, your trash collectors will also be looking for evidence that you've exceeded your recommended daily caloric intake.
• The San Francisco recycling center will not accept right-wing magazines.
• If the environment isn't saved by 2020, it's your fault.
• Dead bodies go in the green bin, but their clothes go in the blue bin, unless they're artificial fabrics, in which case they go in the black bin.
• City compost will be trucked 200 miles to vineyards that use pesticides.
• San Francisco expects a significant increase in program revenue once we begin to train totalitarian regimes on how to best root through their citizens' garbage looking for evidence.
