I have a question on etiquette I was hoping you would be able to help me with: When you are committed against your will (though you really are sane) and sent to an institution, on Valentine's Day of all days, do you have any special exonerations or considerations for not behaving gracefully? In other words, do you think there are some situations that are so vile and unfair that you have a license to be a complete irate bitch? Thank you in advance for sharing your wisdom.
K
Dear Irate Madam or Sir,
A considered response may not have been what you meant to get from this letter, but you have given me something to ponder. My first thought was that being foul-tempered (and foulmouthed) has rarely gotten anyone out of an institution (the institution of marriage being an obvious exception). But after more contemplation, I must allow that there are situations that call for self-righteous anger -- and being wrongly committed is definitely one of them. However, although graceless behavior sometimes gets grudging results from people, quiet courtesy almost always gets better results.
If I found myself in a situation like the one you describe -- on any holiday -- I, too, would be fairly irate. But after I'd settled down a bit, I would try to assume that my loved ones (and any experts they'd procured) at least believed they were acting in my best interests, and I'd listen to their opinions and give them a chance to make their case. In short, I'd be as pleasant and polite as possible until I had the perspective necessary to better assess my situation.
After I'd carefully weighed the evidence, if it became apparent to me that I'd been unfairly committed, I would continue to cooperate as gracefully as possible while seeking assistance through legal channels (you may have the right to a jury trial) or medical channels (you can, and perhaps should, ask for a consultation with your primary physician). (I should point out that because this question is a bit beyond my ken -- remember, you've solicited advice from an etiquette expert, not a health care or legal professional -- I consulted a lawyer and a former psychiatric nurse.) History abounds with unjustly imprisoned people who met adversity with peaceful bravery, and who were eventually redeemed; reading about one of them may help you manage some of your anger. Then, when my model behavior -- or my letters to the appropriate authorities -- had secured my release, I would start on my quiet (and legal) revenge: living well, publicizing my case (if I thought doing so might help others in similar situations), and seeking to bring my tormentors to justice. Writing a gripping tell-all memoir, for example, might help a person achieve all three.
Dear Social Grace,
My fiance and I both have parents who are retired and on a fixed income. So when we decided to get married and host a wedding, it was with the understanding that we were paying for everything.
We have almost all the plans in place, and a strict head count we have agreed to maintain. This means that several people we would have liked to come have been left out.
Earlier this week, my in-laws informed my fiance that they wanted to invite a couple they have recently become friends with. Neither my fiance nor I know this couple very well. My in-laws have offered to pay for the extra expense for these people to attend. My fiance suspects that his mother has already invited them, and is now trying to "make it right" by offering to pay.
What is the best way to tell my mother-in-law that it isn't about the money, and that we do not want veritable strangers at our wedding? I love my in-laws, and don't want to hurt them, but it is our wedding, and I feel they have no right to try and add their friends to the guest list. Thanks for the help.
Sincerely,
Beleaguered Bride
Dear Beleaguered Madam,
We'll agree on one thing at the outset: You are absolutely right to be peeved. Your in-laws had no call to ask you to stretch your guest list after it had been decided, much less to invite someone themselves and then let you know after the fact. But the damage, such as it is, is done -- and trying to "disinvite" your future in-laws' new friends would probably just make it worse.
If your future husband is willing to do so, he might intercede for the both of you. He could say something like, "Of course Rosemary didn't want me to say anything -- and we like the Castavets very much -- but we've been thinking that only our closest family and friends would be at the wedding, since the guest list has to be so small. Maybe they'd feel a little bit out of place."
But if I were in your or your fiance's shoes, I'd try to gain some inner peace around this issue -- especially if, in fact, your mother-in-law has already extended the invitation -- so that I could let it be. Rescinding an invitation is not only cringingly embarrassing but also rather impolite, and it'd be a shame to make your wedding an occasion of hurt feelings or misunderstandings. It's your wedding, yes, but it's also their son's wedding, and it's a big deal for them, too. A wedding doesn't "belong" only to the couple getting married; it also belongs to their families, and to everyone who loves the couple and wishes them well.
