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Clothing-Optional Options: How to (Un)Dress Post-Nudity Ban 

Wednesday, Dec 12 2012

It's certainly not over-over, but with the passage of the Dec. 4 nudity ban, anyone sans clothing in San Francisco has either been cock-blocked or declared a vagina non grata. But the nakedeers who oppose the ban have further protests and a lawsuit hidden, somehow, about their person, so the fight continues. Amid the controversy, we wonder: Was this the best possible course of action in dealing with the problem of the enthusiastically disrobed?

Maybe the answer lies in how other civic issues were handled. Here are a few, adapted as alternate solutions to "The Nude Question."

• Gang Injunction Model: Nudists are prohibited from gathering in particular geographic areas (the Castro!) and sporting certain identifying features (matching cock rings or shades of suntan). Additionally, neutral "nude zones" are established to prevent warring nudist gangs from performing drive-by nudings, in hopes of keeping areas residents from getting hit by stray nipples.

• Medical Marijuana Model: Nudists must prove a medical need for nudity, however flimsy the pretext, in order to get a card allowing them to disrobe. Licenses can be granted for any of the following conditions: Congenital Color Dis-coordination; Hysterical Modesty; Politically Acquired Pants-Fall-Down; Low Blouse Count; Aberrant Naturalism; Kilt Bugs. Two potential problems: the question of how to zone "nude dispensaries," and the fact that the Federal Bureau of Trousers could pounce at any time.

• Union Model: If the nudists form "nudions," they will be in a better position to negotiate lifetime tanning and gym memberships, as well as state-funded flip-flops. Otherwise, there will be strikes, denying San Franciscans non-sweatshop, American-made nakedness.

• Inclusionary Housing Model: Just as new construction must include affordable housing alongside the big luxury homes, so should those who are endowed in the luxury of the flesh be made to donate clothing to the less fortunate, those who are needy in nudity.

• Ranked-Choice Voting Model: If the nudity ban had followed a ranked-choice model, the Board of Supervisors' decision might not have been absolute. Perhaps nudists and supes would have found a happy middle ground, opting not for full clothing requirements or total nudity allowance but something in the middle: black ankle socks + stocking cap; or Karate Kid-style bandanna + cummerbund + one Adidas sneaker; or earmuffs + Teva sandals + shoulder holster + hobo's bindle; or lead X-ray smock. The possibilities! This is the democracy that ranked-choice nudity makes possible.

• Nude Meters: A time-tested solution to a city's whole parking thing, "nude meters" could be installed throughout San Francisco such that an aspiring nudist need merely feed a few quarters — or a credit card, in select locations — into a meter and he or she is granted precious time to repose in the buff (four-hour maximum, no longer free on Sundays). As a bonus, this would necessitate the creation of new jobs, viz "Nudity Maids," whose job would require them to read the meters and figure out where to stick the violations.

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