We are a household of five devoted Social Grace readers. We love to eat corn for dinner, especially in the summer. We feel that the best way to achieve an even buttering on our corn on the cob is to roll the corn on the top of a stick of butter. We do not indulge in this little pleasure at others' homes, only at our own table. However, sometimes we feel a little shy when a guest is over for dinner. We want to know: Is this buttering technique acceptable, even in the privacy of our own home?
Corn-Lovin' Household
Dear Corn Lovers,
I'm pleased to tell you that you're doing nothing outside the bounds of proper dining behavior. In fact, it sounds as though you're behaving quite well: You've recognized the difference between "at home, just us" behavior and "respectful of others, public" behavior. This is not, it seems, easy for many people to do.
Most "bad" table manners are considered bad because they disrespect other people, are messy or unpleasant to witness, or are just plain unsanitary. Your method of buttering corn sounds, to me, merely slightly unorthodox (as long as you are not putting bitten corncobs or fingers into the butter, for example, which would fall into the "unsanitary" or "disrespectful" category). At the privacy of your own table, your way of eating corn is not rude. And if you have guests with whom you want to share your way of eating corn, you may explain your custom to them. (It would be best to designate one stick of butter as the "corn" butter, and not use it for anything else.)
Corn on the cob is an informal food. Many etiquette books will advise you that it is to be avoided altogether (outside of picnics and the like), that, in other words, a host should remove the corn from the cob before serving it. A corn on the cob lover myself, I'm not prepared to be so strict. It's also considered correct to serve pre-buttered corn on the cob (a custom you unorthodox butterers might like to take advantage of).
For the record, I'll note that the unimpeachably correct way (and the least likely to leave you with buttery fingers or cheeks) to eat corn on the cob is to butter it as you go.
Dear Social Grace,
The other night my husband corrected our 14-year-old daughter at the dinner table when she tasted the salmon she had put on her plate -- before helping herself to veggies and salad. He told her that you should never taste something on your plate before you have taken a helping of whatever side dishes you will also be having. I think he is wrong about this one but thought I would check with you just in case. Please let me know.
Thanks.
Debby
Dear Debby,
Your husband is, strictly speaking, correct. At a table with fewer than six people, one should begin eating only after everyone (including oneself) has been fully served. At a table with many people (especially at a restaurant where dinner is served only a few plates at a time), it's normal for a host or a guest of honor (or Mom or Dad) to urge those who have their dinners to begin eating -- and it's OK for them to do so.
This is a good thing for a teenager to know ... but even during my excruciatingly correct teenage years, Mother and Father Grace were known to overlook the occasional overeager taste of the food they had prepared, when it was just us at home.
Dear Social Grace,
My friend is throwing a Halloween party. He has asked me to help him with the planning and guest list. He would only like to invite our "A" group of friends. His reasoning is that he would like his party to be the talk of the town and a "fun" time. The "others" have been known not to contribute to the festive vibe. He feels "they" may not be up to par with the rest of the circle of friends. I told him that we should consider inviting everyone, insuring they have fun with music, food, and activities that everyone can participate in. He is just not having it. So, long story short: Should I press on about making it an open invitation? Or can he make the party by invitation only? I don't want to hurt any feelings when word gets out, and I want to really have a great time.
In Guest-List Limbo
Dear A-List Sir or Madam,
The fact of the matter is, a host has every right to plan a guest list; a guest list, by its nature, cannot include everyone a person knows. (Most of us just don't have that many wineglasses.) Guest lists are not rude, nor are invitation-only affairs (as long as the host doesn't disparage those who won't be attending, I should add). Not every party can be a "come one, come all" occasion.
An uninvited person really mustn't let her feelings be too terribly hurt. That a host might want only his closest friends -- or only his friends who speak Portuguese, or only a few people he thinks should meet one another -- at a cocktail party really has nothing to do with her.
So, readers, if a friend or acquaintance of yours did not invite you to his Halloween party this year, don't feel too bad. For one thing, the host may have been the one described in this letter: He seems to feel that his guests are responsible for providing his party's entertainment. He seems to be the sort of person who says nasty things about people when they're not around. And he seems to be throwing a party for the wrong reasons. If this is the party you miss this Halloween, be thankful.
