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Bummer's Almanac: Predicting 2013 

Wednesday, Jan 9 2013

1. Due to increasing rent and real estate prices, square footage in San Francisco will become the most valuable substance on Earth for a six-week period in late spring, replacing saffron as a seasoning in trendy Persian restaurants.

2. S.F.-based video game developer Zynga, which recently canceled 11 titles, continues to suffer misfortunes as a family of four is murdered in FarmVille 2. On the plus side, a gamer writes a book about the event, In Code Blood, entirely on Twitter.

3. Stepping up to Warren Buffett's $2.5 billion purchase of two solar energy projects in California, Jimmy Buffett will throw the switch on the Margaritaville Nuclear Facility in Pacifica, which will successfully produce 1,500 megawatts of electricity and 28 percent of the world's supply of flip-flops before melting down in September. The fallout will blanket the Bay Area in lime-flavored waste (with a salty rim), leaving residents badly tanned, mumbling about cheeseburgers, and forced to drive across the wasteland in expensive RVs, searching for their lost shaker of sanity.

4. Developers' efforts to create smaller and smaller residences will yield apartments so tiny they have to be medically implanted inside the body. Leases will include a "sepsis clause" and mandatory carpet replacement fee, but their popularity will be such that tony residents will host "Holiday Endoscopy Tours" and casually mention that "my place overlooks the pancreas."

5. In late summer, the America's Cup races turn tragic when the yachts are hijacked by very industrious Somali pirates.

6. Google finally rolls out Project Glass, its head-mounted augmented reality system, and soon, like the Internet itself, the storefronts of the real world are mostly replaced by live sex shows and illegal video stores, while shady characters roam the streets, offering cheap Xanax, fake Rolexes, and "arrangements for the transfer of USD$250.000.000 to my Beloved dear." The changes are unpopular but endured, because it's all so convenient.

7. In late summer, local restaurant wars turn tragic when the bistros are hijacked by very industrious Somali food trucks.

8. Due to changes in the climate and the sea-steading fad, a 3/4-square-mile area of the Pacific Ocean two miles southwest of San Francisco becomes the hippest neighborhood in the country. Soon the area is dominated by fixed-gear paddle-boats and Libertarian sea lions. Danny Bowien opens a Mission Chinese location on the ocean floor.

9. Following the Supervisor Scott Wiener v. nudists debacle, the election of Supervisor Marjorie Bewbes and her subsequent pledge to ban breast implants in the city cause an overload of unintentional irony, and the Marina is swallowed by a sinkhole.

10. The world ends on Nov. 6, 2013. Turns out the Mayans forgot to carry a 6.

About The Author

Brandon R. Reynolds


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