When the show finally begins, it's not pretty. The first few comics do all right. The crowd's vocal at the beginning but now people are getting rowdy, talking over the comedians. Jasper and Kris have excellent sets, considering the audience's rambunctious mood.
Then Lu Nell goes on. She's a funny, older woman who used to live in Oakland but now calls L.A. home. She definitely has the crowd, but the bar at the other end of the room is particularly loud and partly drowns her out. For one thing, Raiders cornerback Charles Woodson is there having a big time. Toward the end of Lu Nell's set, she pulls down her pants and reveals a thong between her cottage-cheese ass cheeks. The crowd explodes. Christ! How am I going to follow this?
I'm not a football fan, but I've heard that a Raiders player is in the audience. All right. I'm going to incorporate him into my act. It's risky, but fuck it -- the show must go on. I ask Jasper, "What's the Raiders player's name?" He replies, "Charles Woodson." I hear it as "Charles Wilson." After Lu Nell pulls up her pants and walks offstage, the MC brings me up. Before I go on, I yank my pants down a bit and cover my ass with my shirt.
Me to crowd: "What's up, bitches!!! Hey, everybody, did you like Lu Nell?"
Crowd: "YEAHHH!"
Me: "Cool. Hey, Lu Nell; I have something for you!"
Lu Nell [shouting]: "You ain't got nuthin' for me!!"
Me: "Oh, I think I do ..."
I turn around and show my ass.
The crowd loves it; folks are waiting to see what happens next. I know what they want, so I go right into my golden showers bit. The one where I explain why I'd let a super-hot girl piss on me. The crowd cringes. Perfect: No one would let a chick piss on him. Now it's time to bring in Charles Woodson. I ask a gentleman in front who he thinks is a hot chick.
Gentleman: "Tyra Banks."
Me: "Oh yeah, she's fucking hot. She can pee on me. How 'bout it, guys?" [Many shake their heads in disapproval.]
Me [shouting to the back]: "Hey, Charles Wilson! Charles Wilson!! [silence at the bar] Would you let Tyra Banks pee on you?!?!"
Bar: [muffled grunts]
Me [doing my best Charles Woodson impression]: "Yes."
The crowd erupts.
Me: "There you have it, folks. I'm not alone. See, after a tough game he hits the showers -- the golden showers."
I move on to my next bit, segueing into how my dad called me a faggot when I was a kid. No sooner does the word "faggot" leave my mouth than two big, stocky guys stomp toward the stage.
Guy 1: "What did you say?!"
At this point my worst fears have been realized. In an instant I'm staring at this muscular football-player type who may have had too much to drink and misinterpreted my joke. Later I'm informed that Guy 1 is Raiders running back Charlie Garner. He glares at me, inches from my face, with what smells like alcohol puffing from his mouth with every syllable he speaks. I realize I could be in for some serious trouble. I assume he's Charles Woodson.
Me [leaning into microphone]: "I think I'm going to piss my pants now."
Charlie Garner: "The jokes end now, muthafucka! What did you say?!"
Me: "Well, I was asking the audience --"
Garner: "NO, FUCK THE JOKES!! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT CHARLES?!"
Me [speaking into the mike]: "Are you Charles Wilson?"
Garner: "No, that's Charles WOODSON standing right there! Now what did you say?! DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT IT AGAIN OR WE'LL SEE WHAT FUCKIN' HAPPENS!!"
I look to my left and Woodson is indeed standing there, right onstage, kind of grinning. I'm not sure if it's a grin of embarrassment or one of happiness that his teammate might be about to splatter me. At first the crowd thinks it's a bit, part of the show. But then they realize this is no joke. I look over to the table where Jasper and Kris are sitting. The look in their eyes says, "Man, you are so dead -- where's the nearest exit?" I soldier on.
Me [speaking into the mike]: "Well, I was asking the audience if they would let Tyra Banks pee on them."
Garner: "What?! AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN TO YOU?"
Me: "Well, I don't want to get my ass kicked, that's for sure."
By now the MC has come onto the stage, and the DJ pulls Garner away. (For the record, a Raiders spokeswoman snapped, "Why is this a news story?" but had no further comment on Garner's performance.)
It all happened so quickly I could barely react. If I had so much as sneezed on Garner, the entire place probably would have stabbed me. Plus, I think the bouncers were on the Raiders players' side.
In retrospect, I should've taken the advice of one of the chicks who came up to my table afterward.
"Don't pay any attention to him," she said, adding: "He can't take a joke! You should've let him hit you and collected your million." -- Rob Martinez
The Friday section of the Jan. 10 Chronicle gave us the story of Galileo Academy's Joel Arquillos, who we were told is one of the best teachers in San Francisco. Light, earnest, as perky as a press release, this was standard daily newspaper stuff, the kind of thing usually dumped on a bored intern's desk. We've all read it before: the Cool Teacher Profile -- you know, Cool Teacher tells jokes; Cool Teacher has a soul patch; Cool Teacher leads a frank discussion of hot-button issues. (What, no photo of the guy in a Clash T-shirt and Tevas, slouching in a backward chair?) The byline, though, caught our eye: "Dave Eggers/Special to The Chronicle."
Huh? Why would our "It" author, the maverick über-ironist with the geeked-up prose and the poker-faced put-ons, cough up 1,400 words of fluff for the Chron under the headline "This teacher rates more than an apple" (or "TTRMTAA")? Was his last book that bad?
The answer came at the bottom: "Dave Eggers ... helps to support 826 Valencia, an educational work space for kids ages 8 to 18 who want to improve their writing skills, and its monthly teacher's award." Eggers, in fact, is the founder of 826 Valencia, which named Arquillos teacher of the month for October (October?). So the story was nothing but a press release with a star byline, something like the Chronicle handing over a news column to the Sierra Club for a conservationist-of-the-month profile.
Says Nínive Calegari, director of 826 Valencia, in an e-mail: "Because we wanted area students, parents and teachers to know about Joel Arquillos's work, and about the monthly award, Dave offered to write a profile of Joel Arquillos." The Chronicle agreed to publish "TTRMTAA," she says, because the paper shares the group's "interest in promoting the good work of our underpaid public school teachers." And, apparently, the mind-numbing work of a stumbling genius. -- Tommy Craggs
