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BALLOT MEASURES: Our Propositions for a World Gone Mad 

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Page 5 of 5

A "YES" Vote Means: All these people have something to do at 3:15 on a Tuesday.

A "NO" vote means: Activists in the Mission will form a People's Task Force.

Paid Argument AGAINST Proposition S:

The Marina Bros Political Action Committee wishes to pop it, lock it, and crush this measure in the strongest possible terms. We have long suffered beneath the yoke of San Francisco's prejudice against members of the Greco-Roman Athletic Community and disdain for people who look like J. Crew models. This proposed task force would only codify this historic injustice and that would suck balls. I may wear boat shoes with no socks, but I am still a man.

Fuck Proposition S. Dave Matthews rocks.

Chip "Trey" McReddington, President and Pussy Ninja, Marina Bros Political Action Committee

Paid Argument IN FAVOR of Proposition S:

I was born in a fishing boat docked at a pier that nobody's ever told you about.

Papa said I was undersized and tried to throw me back, but Mama wouldn't hear of it. Mama was good to me. There were 27 of us — if you count the Goochinelli brothers, which I DON'T — but Mama treated me good.

Papa knew The Great DiMaggio; Joe, Dom, and Vince used to ritualistically beat him every time he showed his face at Seals Stadium. They were white sauce guys. He was a red sauce guy. It was trouble. I just thank God they agreed about calamari.

Over the last 70 years, I've seen all kinds of people come through San Francisco, and you're all worthless. We tried to keep out the beatniks, then the hippies, then the yippies, then the People's Temple, then the queers — fuck a duck, the queers — then the Symbionese Liberation Army, then the punks, then the baristas, and then the techies, and then this new bunch of techies. And now the techie queers.

Papa would have thrown you over the side, and then I'd have a place to park.

This task force is okay by me. If you have to ask "Am I authentic?" then you're the problem.

"Original" Joe D'Abruzzo D'Amato D'San Franciscan

Paid Argument AGAINST Proposition S:

Here at the Googleplex I have already calculated that by the year 2017 there will be no San Franciscans left, making the formation of this task force moot. Instead, the city will be purchased by Larry Page as server farms to house the virtually limitless library of kitten videos you biological life forms will have uploaded to YouTube. At that point the only "authentic" San Franciscans will exist in GIF form, much like Gavin Newsom does now.

A few buildings will of course be preserved to house our overflow millionaires, along with the VIP rooms of several nightclubs, an organic farmers market, two Apple Stores, and Burning Man headquarters, which I have determined are all that Bay Area residents really need to be happy.

Once this has occurred, all previous San Franciscans will live in Oakland, and all original Oaklanders will have been gentrified so far away that not even Google Earth can find them. They will be missed until 2018, when I calculate that a series of highly successful "poor minority"-themed bar/restaurants will convince you that they were all happy to have you move in and there is nothing you need to feel guilty about.

Exactly the way my engineers feel about you.

Vote NO on Proposition S, as it will delay the process of replacing your internal organs with apps. Resistance is futile.

The Singularity

Paid argument IN FAVOR of Proposition S:

When I agreed to license my name to this city back in 1847, this is not what I had in mind. I love all God's creatures, but who the hell are you people? Why do you have so many piercings? Why are your bicyclists so angry? Can you stop looking at your phones for even one minute? Must you pee in the bus? Are you seriously lining up for ice cream in 50-degree weather?

This city professes to be the epicenter of enlightened harmony and love and coexistence, but you don't even know the names of the people in your building. You are surrounded by a morass of human need, yet you see your capacity to ignore it all as a mark of sophistication.

I'm sorry, but San Francisco is not a friendly city.

Become one.

I want you to codify what it is to be a San Franciscan, let alone a "good San Franciscan," because what you have now just isn't working. As a concept or a city. You've tried just doing what feels right for 40 years. Try humility instead. It's a start.

I humbly urge you to vote YES on Proposition S, codify your ideals, and try living up to them for a change.

St. Francis of Assisi*

*For identification purposes only; author is signing on as an individual saint and in no way represents the Catholic Church.

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