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BALLOT MEASURES: Our Propositions for a World Gone Mad 

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Page 4 of 5

Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition D:

A sharing-economy service for kids would help maximize these underused and under-performing commodities, and even turn them into a potential income stream for users. Furthermore, they would reduce the need for mass-production of more kids in a city that generally prefers dogs over children, anyway.

Cherie Shear, Cuteness Resources Officer, KidExchange

Rebuttal to Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition D:

Simple supply-and-demand economics have made it nearly impossible to assess the value of children, now a rare product in San Francisco. Thus, an exchange service that allows users to make arbitrary child-swaps could generate a rash of costly litigation — especially if one child looks fine on the surface, but turns out to be deficient.

Sterling Kane, Armchair Economist, Latvia

PROPOSITION Y

App Trucks

Shall the City allow the permitting of so-called "Tech Trucks," mobile vehicles that would help facilitate the Total Disruption of all local industry?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: Currently, San Francisco is being held back from its goal of Total Disruption by tech firms' reliance on stationary desks, buildings, addresses, and Muni.

The Proposal: Proposition Y would further the disruption of the City by allowing the creation of a fleet of independently owned, hybrid Tech Trucks, which would roam the city and park near traditional businesses that app manufacturers haven't yet been able to squelch: dry cleaners, bakeries, medical marijuana dispensaries, strip clubs, massage parlors, nail salons, museums, convenience stores, and institutions of higher education. All employees of tech trucks must be male, under 27, have dropped out of a prestigious university, and be given salaries equal to five-to-seven times the median wage in San Francisco. Each truck would be equipped with a V.C. window, through which potential investors could "get a look at the back end" and insert large amounts of cash. The exact method of industry disruption would be left up to the proprietor of each vehicle, but the proposition stipulates that payment for Tech Truck services can be accepted in cash only.

PROPOSITION McD

Super-Sized Dining Options

Shall the City establish a Fast Food Amnesty Day?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: Eating a Big Mac or a bucket of KFC in many areas of San Francisco results in disdainful side glances and lectures about the importance of sustainably raised meat and whole, local foods. It results in discrimination against people who usually follow a healthy, farm-to-table diet but want to consume a Chicken McNugget, Sourdough Jack, or Wendy's Frosty Dairy Dessert every goddamn now and then.

The Proposal: Proposition McD would create a Fast Food Amnesty Day, wherein all citizens are allowed to eat fast food without fear of social retribution. High-fructose corn syrup, factory-farmed chickens, and so-called "pink slime" would all be considered acceptable culinary choices. Moreover, the city would offer incentives for fast food chains to establish "pop-ups" in both high-end restaurants and underserved, wealthy neighborhoods to ensure that everyone has equal access to fast food.

PROPOSITION O:

Endangered Human Preserve

Shall the City designate a section of Golden Gate Park as a special cultural reserve to house and maintain independent artists, musicians, writers, activists, punk rockers, nudists/hippies, and other endangered subspecies of the local human population?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: San Francisco is seeing a mass exodus of the types of humans for whom the city was once an ideal habitat. Astronomical rents and increasingly conservative cultural values are pushing those who earn modest incomes in exchange for creative/socially beneficial work toward cheaper, uglier locales like Oakland, Los Angeles, and Portland.

The Proposal: Proposition O would set aside a portion of Golden Gate Park near the Bison paddock (home to another species brought to the brink of extinction by what everybody dubiously called "progress") for the housing and care of these endangered local humans. Current San Francisco residents could apply for residency after passing a series of economic, physical, and cultural tests, which would include (but not be limited to) their familiarity with the work of local musicians like Jello Biafra and Patrick Cowley, the number of times in the last six months they've paid more than $10 for a cocktail, their knowledge of that one time at the Fillmore, and a word-association quiz regarding the current state of Valencia Street.

PROPOSITION S

San Francisco Authenticity Task Force

Shall it be City policy to establish a task force to determine who is an authentic San Franciscan, and create identifiable metrics of such?

Digest:

The Way It Is Now: Anyone can say he's a San Franciscan because he started wearing an orange-billed Giants hat in October of 2010. Fuck you. You know nothing of our pain.

This lack of clear standards means everyone from fourth-generation fishmongers to vegan bondage enthusiasts is claiming their particular occupation, political stance, sexual preference, brand of phone, neighborhood, favorite yoga mat, apparel, and mode of transportation makes them more "authentically" San Franciscan than you.

There's nothing we can do about it.

The Proposal: San Francisco has a rich history of fighting pressing social problems by forming task forces. The one thing we know is that real San Franciscans sit on task forces.

The San Francisco Authenticity Task Force will be composed of an indeterminate number of supervisors; an indeterminate number-plus-one of mayoral appointees; a sexpert; Willie Brown's cleaning lady; a guy who went to Burning Man back when it was cool; someone who sat in the Christopher Milk section of Kezar Stadium; a juggler; the guy who burned down Sutro Baths; two Green Party members who can argue with each other; one of the two Bush Men; a Google employee willing to pay $3,500 a month for that seat; and whoever else wanders into the library conference room at 3:15 in the afternoon on a Tuesday.

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