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BALLOT MEASURES: Our Propositions for a World Gone Mad 

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Page 3 of 5

The Proposal: Whitney Houston believed that "children are our future." San Francisco, however, boasts more dogs than children. In San Francisco, dogs are our future. We have taught them well. And now it's time to let them lead the way.

We should extend not only the right to vote, but also the right to hold office — if for no other reason than the only thing cuter than dog-sized voting booths is dogs wearing suits and meeting with dog-lobbyists.

Why have a mayor who's a lapdog when you can have a lapdog who's a mayor?

Controller's Statement on "M":

Please vote for this. My kids have dogs. Please.

Paid Argument AGAINST Proposition M:

This is madness. We must send a strong message by voting down this odious half-measure and sending our lawmakers back to the drawing board to develop a real solution: One that extends the vote to non-citizen dogs.

None of us are free until all of us are free! Vote NO on M!

San Francisco Bay and Vicinity Port Maritime Council — For Dogs

Bay Cities Metal Trades Council (For Dogs)

Chamber of Dog Commerce

AFL-CIO-DOG

Uggie, Jack Russell terrier*

*For identification purposes only; author is signing on as an individual dog and not on behalf of a pack.

PROPOSITION bnb

Maximizing the Sharing Economy

Shall the City enforce an Airbnb-type arrangement for every residence in San Francisco and extend said arrangement to all possessions and relationships?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: The sharing economy has proven itself as a solution to over-regulation in such new business models as Airbnb and Lyft, in which people monetize their possessions. These arrangements turn out to be both financially beneficial and efficient. Your Prius is now like the proud buffalo: None of it goes to waste.

The Proposal: Proposition bnb demands to extend the sharing economy such that, while you're off at work, a Finnish couple on holiday will be staying in your one-bedroom, making lunch plans and trying to get a night tour of Alcatraz. Once you're at your office, tucked into your desk, your shoes will be taken by an employee who walks a hell of a lot more than you during the work-day, delivering mail or something. Your boyfriend, meanwhile, who is taking time off from work for that book project, is lending physical and emotional comfort to a recent widow. Your cat is making the rounds at a retirement home, your kidney is filtering somebody's blood on the floor below, your diary is being used to build new memories for an amnesiac, your dreams are going straight to either Pixar's servers or David Lynch's L.A. studio, and, on slow weekends, your body will be possessed by the unhappy wandering spirit of a murdered husband, which anyway isn't so bad because at least now somebody's around to listen to you vent about how you're pretty sure the Finns stole your diary.

PROPOSITION &

Reg. of Abbr. Char.

Shall the City establish an ampersand license to limit its use in restaurant and bar names?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: Over the past five years, the City has been overrun by restaurants and bars whose names demonstrate a disturbing and potentially dangerous reliance on the little-understood ampersand.

The Proposal: Proposition & would stem the rampant overuse of ampersands in restaurant and bar names. The City would grant a limited number (10) of ampersand licenses to businesses every year; those that are not granted a new license or extension of an existing one would need to use less in-demand punctuation in their restaurant name (e.g. *, ^, %). Earnings from the licensing fee will be placed into the Vowel Recovery Fund, to provide restaurants, such as SPQR and MKT, with the necessary letters to make their names into pronounceable words.

Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition &:

Bourbon & Branch. Sons & Daughters. Fig & Thistle. Craftsman & Wolves. Baker & Banker. Pig & Pie. Wilson & Wilson. There are too many similarly named restaurants and bars in the City, and it is causing confusion among the population. Who among us hasn't thought they were going to a seasonally driven, small-plates restaurant, only to realize that they had agreed to dinner at a speakeasy-themed cocktail bar instead? We have reached critical mass with this naming convention, and it is taking away from San Francisco's celebrated diversity. It is time to establish regulations, and free up ampersands to be used in other places — like road signs, theater marquees, and anywhere there just isn't room for all three letters of "and."


Association for Nomenclatural Clarity

Rebuttal to Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition &:

The ampersand is one of the world's oldest punctuation marks, with an illustrious history dating back to Roman cursive. Currently the noble ampersand is enjoying unprecedented popularity with its surge in use across the United States, not just in San Francisco. This legislation is just the kind of small-minded bigotry that led to the ampersand's eradication as the 27th letter of the alphabet in the mid-to-late 19th century.

Society for the Preservation of Coordinating Conjunctions

PROPOSITION D

Child-Upgrade Program

Shall the City amend its child-trafficking laws to authorize parents to trade their slightly used kids in for better kids — or for dogs?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: The act of stealing, renting, borrowing, "misplacing," or otherwise "making off with" another person's child is considered kidnapping under federal law.

The Proposal: This new program would create exemptions when both parties agree to trade. In certain cases a dog may be added to the negotiation, either in exchange for a child, or to increase the asset value of a particularly homely child. Two children may also be exchanged for a high-quality breed of dog, especially if that dog has child-like attributes but goes to bed on time and poops outside.

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