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BALLOT MEASURES: Our Propositions for a World Gone Mad 

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The Proposal: Let's just build it all. All of it. Right there. On top of each other. The whole thing. All the housing. Like nesting dolls. In 10 years, everyone from the incredibly rich down to the merely privileged will live there. In one neighborhood, at last. Residential turducken.

Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition H:

San Francisco needs housing. There are simply not enough $3 million starter homes or $4 million pied-a-terres for your mistresses' guinea pigs. Development is at a standstill because of NIMBYs and sanity. You can't pay rent with sanity. We can do better. By placing every last residential development into one massive orgy of construction, we will streamline the process and create efficiencies of scale sufficient to pay off a dozen coastal commissions. We're making dreams come true.

Building a near-infinite supply of housing will also provide a near-infinite amount of union workers with near-infinite opportunities to watch other union workers eating a near-infinite number of sandwiches.

Additionally, placing long-term residents along the northern waterfront will contribute significantly to the neighborhood's soup-in-a-breadbowl-based economy. Brick-and-mortar outlets will provide these new permanent residents with not only bread bowls for home use but bread plates, bread trays, bread cutlery, and bread colanders. Bread-based transit options will abound, enabling a car-free bread lifestyle.

Vote "Yes" on Proposition H — or we're out a lot of money!

The Mayor

All the Supervisors

All the Downtown Money-Launderers

All the Phony Democratic Clubs

All the King's Horses

And the California Gluten Council

Rebuttal to Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition H:

Pier 39? Pier 39 sucks.

The Committee of Citizens Savvy Enough to Call it "FiDi" and "Divis" in Casual Conversation (CCSECIFADICC)

PROPOSITION F

Bouncy Offices for Tech Firms

Shall the City create a special downtown district allowing the construction of pneumatic ("bouncy") office spaces, which could be fully inflated to house tech firms with names containing no vowels and/or especially frivolous products, and which could be quickly deflated and removed in the (likely) event that said firms fail?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: Business leaders say the high cost of office space in the City is forcing them to make unsustainable compromises, such as sharing their game rooms with other tenants, and forcing employees to sit so close together that they cannot avoid verbal communication. However, most of the companies seeking office space in the City are technology start-ups, and thus frequently implode before even hiring an assistant to pick up senior executives' dry cleaning.

The Proposal: Proposition F would allow the creation of "bouncy" pneumatic offices, similar to so-called bouncy houses, which would offer all the amenities of brick-and-mortar buildings (save for walls and floors) while not permanently affecting the landscape of the city.

Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition F:

They're cheap! They're fun! They're easy! And will never hurt if you happen to trip and fall!!!! Temporary inflatable offices are just what San Francisco's tech industry needs: space for companies that come and go like the breeze. Cloud-based solutions for our booming cloud corridor, if you will. Besides being affordable by default, entry-level start-ups in bouncy offices will also no longer need a separate "fun room" for their overworked employees — their whole building would be a "fun room." Neat!!

The Committee for Bouncier Cities

Society for the Advancement of Rubber, Northern California Chapter

Concerned Otolaryngologists

Rebuttal to Proponent's Argument in Favor of Proposition F:

Don't blow up San Francisco! Inflatable office buildings will be unsafe at any P.S.I. They will be big, bloated blights on our beautiful urban landscape, and make the city's already unsettled tech economy even more prone to deflation. What's next? Affordable housing in the form of teepees? Replacing Muni trains with bumper cars? If whippersnapper tech firms can't find room in a real building, maybe they don't deserve room at all. And as for the whole game-room issue, can't tech kids just go to the bowling alley after work like the rest of us?

S.F. Needle Exchange

Union for a More Puncture-Resistant Planet

Bricklayers, Who Still Exist

PROPOSITION L

Brick-and-Mortar Freeganism

Shall the City amend its environmental health code to allow leftover-exchange apps to open eateries serving locally sourced food in its earliest stages of decomposition?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: San Francisco's current health code requires restaurants to stow their partially eaten food in garbage or compost bins. But new research by Australian scientists touts the salutary benefits of stale or rotten food, which acquires nutrients as it is broken down by bacterial enzymes.

The Proposal: These restaurants would hew to a pure sharing-economy model, generating their whole inventory from the menus of neighboring restaurateurs and selling it for negotiated discount prices. LeftoverSwap, which began as an iPhone app but recently filed for a $10 billion IPO, says a proposed bistro — slated to open in a rehabbed building formerly owned by Bar Tartine — will include a 20-foot buffet table and salad bar. Customers are invited to sell their second-run food to other customers, albeit with a small commission for the host.

PROPOSITION M

Extension of Suffrage to Canine-Americans

Shall San Francisco allow dogs to vote?

Digest:

The Way it is Now: Dogs in San Francisco cannot vote despite being friendlier and more reliable than many of the people who do. They can also be trained not to urinate in inappropriate places.

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