I had invited a few close friends over to my house. Yesterday, I got a copy of an e-mail from "George" telling "Stephen" to "bring 'Lesley' if he's in town." I did not invite Lesley. Upon receiving this cc'd e-mail from George, I promptly wrote back, saying, "I don't know Lesley, so would prefer that he not be invited." George said he would tell Stephen. Yesterday evening, I was the bad guy because Stephen had already invited Lesley -- "I don't know why you would have a problem with his attending ... if you're worried that he is not cool, that is so untrue ...."
It is plain bad manners to invite someone to someone else's house -- especially someone the hostess doesn't know. How do I respond to them?
Thanks for your advice,
Bernadette
Dear Bernadette,
You're right -- the fictional George's actions were improper. (In the future, George might consider at least contacting hostesses before extending invitations on their behalf.) However -- and I must, for everyone's sake, accompany this sentence with a slow, disappointed shake of my head -- your valid objection was not very tactfully expressed. Plus, you've made not knowing Lesley the reason he couldn't attend your party, when the real reason was that you didn't invite him. Stating that more plainly would also have been more polite: "I'm sorry, but I don't have room for/didn't prepare enough dinner for/can't squeeze in an extra guest" would work, as would, "I planned on this being a night of only my close friends. Maybe we could all get together with Lesley another time."
Sometimes etiquette means trying to put on a pleasant face, even when others make slip-ups (especially when they do so because they don't seem to know any better). Now you must attempt to smooth ruffled feathers. Here's what I'd say: "I'm sure Lesley is exceedingly cool, and of course any friends of yours are friends of mine; however, I'd planned for a certain number and mixture of guests, and having an extra guest invited at the last minute was a bit of a surprise. I'm sorry that I handled it badly, but I hope you can understand my point of view."
Dear Social Grace,
I work as a receptionist, and when clients drop in to visit my boss, I am always confused about making introductions. Logic would tell me that a client should be made to feel important and that I should introduce my boss to him, but sometimes the visitor is significantly younger. Also, my office is very casual and I'm on a first-name basis with the older men. If I refer to them in this way to or in front of a visitor (which is my natural inclination and the example set by the others working here), I feel unprofessional after it comes out. It would feel awkward to revert to "Mr. So-and-So," just for show, however. Should I do so anyway? Perhaps that question pertains more to company image than etiquette. My bosses have never mentioned any preference that they have about such matters, but all the same, what is your expert opinion?
Thank you,
Not Quite Polite
Dear Front-Office Madam or Sir,
You are correct that a client or distinguished visitor should be received as a guest, regardless of his age. Traditionally, such an introduction would go like this: "Mr. Visitor, this is Mr. Boss," at which point your boss would, in your informal environment, invite Mr. Visitor to address him as "Biff," or whatever his name is. In a business setting, guests outrank even senior staff.
As for how to refer to your bosses, my advice is to ask them what they'd prefer. The informal office can be confusing -- the old formality at least made situations like this clear. I'd use titles in front of guests, but as you point out, that may not be the image your company hopes to project.
Dear Social Grace,
I had a friend who wanted to be my boyfriend, but I wasn't interested in him that way, so he ended up dumping me as a friend. But before that happened, I went to his parents' Passover Seder, which was lovely, and I appreciated being included. I brought them a nice bottle of wine at the time. Now, a week later, he e-mailed me to tell me to send a thank-you card to his parents "to maintain your image." At first I thought, "OK, that would be nice of me, sure." Then I thought that he's not even my friend anymore, because he pulled away from me, and then he even flaked on my dinner party the next week! And anyway, it was just dinner -- I brought a bottle of wine. Sure, a card would be nice, but really isn't it unnecessary? Perhaps even overdoing it? Especially since my friendship with the guy is over and I'm not interested in reviving it again? Or am I being rude by not acknowledging their hospitality? I have nothing against his parents; they were nice people.
What do you think?
Wanting to Be Polite But Not Overzealous
Dear Soon-to-Be-Polite Madam or Sir,
Cutting out all the extraneous (albeit interesting) information in your letter, we are left with this: Some nice people served you dinner in their home and included you in their celebration of an important holiday. It should now be clearer that sending a thank-you note is in order.
Still, I don't want you to think you should do so just to be polite. Your rejected suitor makes a valid point when he reminds you about maintaining your image: Being well-mannered is not only the right thing to do; it's also, more often than many people imagine, the smart thing to do. Sending that thank-you note could very well cement your image as a gracious person in your hosts' minds. Who can say where you might meet them again? Who can even guess the reach of their social and business connections? And who hasn't changed his mind, even decades later, about an ended romance?
Before we worry about being overzealous, let's worry about being plain old zealous when it comes to courtesy. It might help to imagine that everyone you meet has something to offer you -- because most of them do, even if it's only fond regard.
