My one pet peeve is how people act in the grocery store. I was recently at [a local store] and encountered the typical traffic jam of carts, about six of us trying to get by each other. I pulled to the side to let others maneuver. Then a man came from behind and barreled his way through, practically knocking over a small child. I had to say something, not to the individual but to the people gathered there. "Doesn't anyone know the words 'excuse me' any longer?" They looked at me like I had six heads. And we went on about our day. I was reeling. I always say "excuse me" in the grocery store and in any other situation that I feel warrants it. I'd love to hear your take on this phenomenon -- and which grocery store has the worst patrons.
Keep up the good work,
Chas Tiernan
Dear Mr. Tiernan,
I'm sorry, but I simply can't bring myself to conduct a grocery-store rudeness survey. Food shopping is one of my least favorite chores, and trying to find the most unpleasant place in which to perform that task might just do permanent damage to my psyche. I invite readers to share their own grocery stories, though, and perhaps we can reach a consensus.
Because buying groceries is a burdensome chore for many, hostility can easily come oozing to the surface. The problem is that many people have been trained to think that expressing their negative emotions -- wherever and whenever they occur -- is not only a right but also vital to their well-being. This terrible misconception leads to plenty of bad behavior, such as berating fellow shoppers for their perceived lack of politeness. Civility begins with you. Instead of complaining about how others behave, you might ask yourself, "How can I make this situation less horrible for everyone involved?" And you needn't do so completely out of altruism. Making your grocery store a better place to be benefits you -- because you have to spend time there, too.
In the situation you describe, you could've just chimed in with a friendly (or neutral) "excuse me" yourself. You could have asked all around whether everyone's toes were intact. You could have pleasantly reminded the barreling shopper to watch out for little nippers below his range of vision. But you really shouldn't have angrily asked a clutch of weary shoppers why they weren't pardoning themselves properly. Their reactions made it pretty clear that you only added to the discordant grocery-store vibe.
Dear Social Grace,
I was wondering if you could help me out on a wedding question. We've been invited to a double wedding in which we know only one of the couples. The other couple we don't know very well, and in fact, we just met the groom for the first time recently. The question is, are you supposed to bring gifts for both parties just because you're invited by one? We would have never been invited to the other couple's wedding if they had it by themselves.
Thanks.
Via the Internet
Dear Invited Madam or Sir,
Generally, one does give a gift of some sort to a couple whose wedding one attends, but the situation you present is a good exception to that rule. Certainly, you're not obligated to give a gift to people you don't know -- though some small token (a set of dish towels or a picture frame, for example) might be nice. I can't imagine anyone expecting a gift from complete strangers who are at the wedding only by coincidence.
Dear Social Grace,
What's a good response to people who ask me, "Why aren't you married yet?" The answer I want to give is, "None of your goddamned business," but as the third of my three younger sisters is getting married in September, I want to have a politer, less bitchy response ready. I know from experience that my "spinsterhood" will be a hot topic among my family.
Via the Internet
Dear Unmarried Madam,
One polite way to say what you want to say is, "I'm sorry; that's not something I want to discuss." But it sounds as though you want something humorous with which to change the subject. What about: "Oh, you're going to have to wait for the release of my unauthorized biography to find that out." Or maybe: "I knew I'd forgotten to do something before I left the house today. Well, at least I know I didn't leave the iron on." Or: "Did the tabloids send you? I'd better get into some better light before the paparazzi arrive." Such a friendly joke (which has a fairly obvious subtext) is a great way to send a conversation on a new tangent. As Uncle Mortimer chuckles politely, you have time to ask him about his golf game.
