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Friday, April 1, 2016

WesBurger to Debut New 11-Course Vegan Tasting Menu

Posted By on Fri, Apr 1, 2016 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge PETER LAWRENCE KANE
  • Peter Lawrence Kane
In an abrupt turn, the still-softly open WesBurger N' More (224o Mission) has pivoted from the carnivore-heavy cousin of a defunct Howard Johnson's in circa-1965 Palm Springs to an all-vegan enterprise dedicated to utter joylessness.

Proprietor Wes Rowe attributed the sudden switcheroo to an ayahuasca ceremony on the evening of the vernal equinox during which he envisioned his own head swelling into the shape of Texas and thousands of baby armadillos nibbling ferociously at the corners.

click to enlarge Did you want a Nashville Hot Chicken at Wes Burger N' More? Kiss that shit goodbye, my friend. - PETER LAWRENCE KANE
  • Peter Lawrence Kane
  • Did you want a Nashville Hot Chicken at Wes Burger N' More? Kiss that shit goodbye, my friend.
In lieu of such tasty treats as the Hot Wes and his own take on the spicy Nashville Hot Chicken, Rowe will now strictly enforce an 11-course, $195 vegan tasting menu, including earth-nurturing goodies like the Hot Gaea (a pebbly, pale-orange divot of loam), the Hill Country Hot-Cha-Cha (a bauxite-rich simulacrum of mild enjoyment, served in a woven basket fashioned from sustainable tears and paired with remorse), and the Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mung Filaments (with burlap, raw okra, and canned peaches in heavy, cruelty-free syrup) as well as the Tempeh Kaboom (a fermented soy patty served with Rowe's signature iceberg lettuce and a lit sparkler).

"It's probably going to take about three hours and 45 minutes from start to finish," Rowe said, removing the neon sign in the shape of a hamburger and hanging a picture of Sen. Ted Cruz grimacing in agony. "If you make a reservation for 9 p.m. on a Tuesday, be prepared to stick around until a quarter to one. No substitutions."

Beyond the restaurant's transition from an atmosphere full of the carefree enjoyment of life to a strict code of judgment, the jukebox at Wes Nutritional Yeast N' More will shift from early rock that really lit up the greasers to a selection of mid-career Phil Collins, rounded out by Sixpence None the Richer.

"I saw them when they opened for Natalie Imbruglia at the Astrodome," Rowe said. "Killer."

This has been an April Fool's Joke in anticipation of the opening of WesBurger N' More on or after next Wednesday, April 6. With love, Wes Rowe and SF Weekly.


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About The Author

Peter Lawrence Kane

Bio:
Peter Lawrence Kane is SF Weekly's Arts Editor. He has lived in San Francisco since 2008 and is two-thirds the way toward his goal of visiting all 59 national parks.

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