IfOnly.com is a company that markets unique experiences, mostly to Millennials with congenital cases of #FOMO. You probably have enough crap in your storage space already, right? Better to spend that hard-earned cash on activities you can later post to all your social media channels, feeding off the jealousy of your acquaintances the way a black hole sucks electromagnetic discharge from the nearest stars.

According to Eater, the company is selling two experiences with the Chronicle's venerable food critic, Michael Bauer. One is the opportunity to participate in a restaurant review, and the other is a $2,000 dinner to benefit Alice Waters' Edible Schoolyard (although you still have to pick up the tab).

Let me say that I've only been doing this for about 10 months, which is only a little more than one week for every year Bauer's been in the business. I'm a white belt, a Padawan learner, Kenneth the NBC page; he's a black belt, a Jedi Master, and the CEO of Kabletown. So I'm neither seething with resentment nor experiencing bruxism while tossing and turning over the idea that nobody asked me.

But for everyone who doesn't acquire their personal evening with Bauer, I feel obliged to say that I too am available — and for way less. Probably like $50-$75 bucks, max. Or maybe we can say "$50 or the gratuity, whatever's cheaper" and shake on it. (Just putting myself out there.) Also, even if you don't want to participate in the writing of a food review, you pretty much have no choice when you eat with me, because I'm going to a) grind conversation to a halt by repeatedly photographing your plate for later reference, b) leave you wondering if I'm actually taking notes the way I say I am or if I'm just sexting a Scruff date, and c) constantly ask you your opinions and pass off the wittiest of them as my own.

Maybe that's not much of an inducement to pay to dine together, and after reading IfOnly's voluminous praise, I can't say I disagree with your feeling! Frankly, just reading the phrase "Dining with [Michael Bauer] is an experience akin to hanging out with the world's biggest rockstar" gives me the sadz. I'm definitely not a rock star; at best, I'm on the level of Natalie Imbruglia or the original bassist from Sixpence None the Richer. But I'm always on the list at Aunt Charlie's on Thursdays, so if we go dinner on a Thursday evening and you want to come with me to Tubesteak afterwards and shake our asses to some obscure Italo-disco, maybe I can spring for your cover and we can trade off rounds of drinks from there.

Lastly, I'm not truly anonymous, either. I freelanced for a bunch of places before getting this wonderful job, so my face is easily Google-able and there's nothing much I can do about that. Don't be fooled into thinking that this gives me some kind of leg up, though. It hasn't led to many ethically challenging offers of free shit, because I seldom if ever get recognized — even by people I already know.

So, that's it. This is a serious offer to SFoodie readers, by the way: $50, take it or leave it. Or negotiate; that's cool, too. Think of me as a gently used Expedit bookshelf on Craigslist who wants to get drunk with you.


Note: This daily Inside Scoop reader and super-fanboy is well aware that neither Michael Bauer nor anyone at the San Francisco Chronicle penned IfOnly's fawning, prolix copy.